I Missed Being Me

The Beaten Heart

2011-06-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

From Victims to Survivors - this is a prayer for all the beaten hearts ...

Socialsprouts: Me, me, me...

2011-02-22T05:32:00.000-08:00

One Year Later and we are STILL looking for Justice in Justice, IL for Lacey Claire Gaines

2010-12-06T19:56:00.000-08:00

Change your FACEBOOK PROFILE PIC on Dec. 7th in SUPPORT of JUSTICE for LACEY CLARE GAINES!

December 7th, 2010 will mark one year to the day since Peace4 the Missing's longtime member and blog admin, Cherry Simpson's niece, Lacey Gaines was tragically murdered.

In support of our Cherry and in a mission to propel justice for Lacey, I will be changing my and Peace4's Facebook profile pics to the poster below of/and for Lacey.

It would be AWESOME if you all could/would PLEASE do the same ... xoxoxo

FACEBOOK PAGE FOR LACEY - PLEASE JOIN!!

If you have information on this murder please call:
Justice Police Department
http://villageofjustice.org/
7800 S Archer Rd,
Justice, IL 60458
Ph: 708 458-2191
Lead Det R Plotke rplotke@justicepolice-il.org
Det Joe Malloy 708-458-2194

I Have Learned Some Things This Year ... Happy Birthday To Me

2010-11-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

VERSE(1):
I have seen a million miles of desert land, and I have learned to be free.
And I have walked the shadow lands of Egypt, and I have learned to be free.
And I have held the mane of untamed horses, and I have learned to be free.
And I have walked on frozen lakes in my soul, and I have learned to be free.

CHORUS:
And I have known the price of love,
And given all I have for a moment's time with you.
And I have died a thousand times,
And I have learned to be free.

VERSE(2):
And I have lost what only death could take from me, and I have learned to be free.
And I have gained what only life could give to me, and I have learned to be free.

CHORUS

VERSE(3):
And I have craved and walked away in the silence, and I have learned to be free.
And I have looked into the face of injustice, and I have learned to be free.

CHORUS x 2

Btw ... For my birthday, could you please go to the link below and tell Montel Williams why you should be a guest on his show? http://ning.it/9MOp1U

I Missed Being Me - Uh ... Who Am I?

2010-11-02T21:54:00.000-07:00

This isn't a good revelation here ... in fact the epiphany of it all actually quite sucks. :(

I'm sitting here, stunned into submission ... realizing that I ironically very well may know even less about myself now than I did when I first created my blog.

Which makes no sense whatever ...

After all ... I did my time!

I paid my dues!

I lived the tragedy, and rather than running away from it, I instead painfully chose to embrace it!

What the fun?!

I even inspected it ... in order to grow - to finally become me!

So what's the deal, God?

Signed Me -

Some random girl - still just sitting here ... waiting for that bone from above ...

I AM MY FATHER'S CHILD WHO MADE ME

Jan Smolinski, The Force Behind Billy's Law and Eagle Rare Life Nominee

2010-11-02T07:42:00.000-07:00

VOTE for Jan Smolinski at eaglerarelife.com/node/105 Mom of missing Billy Smolinski and the force behind Billy's Law now in the Senate - S.3019

Vote Daily For Jan Smolinski, An Eagle Rare Life!

Jan states: "Should my story be chosen as the Rare Life winner, I hope to share the award with the community most effected. There are many John and Jane Does buried in Potter's Fields throughout the nation. Often the cost of the exhumation itself is the single obstacle between these poor souls and the DNA sampling that will help them to be returned to their family."

** BILLY'S LAW ** The Help Find the Missing Act

Find Out More Here About Billy's Law and NamUs!

_________________________________________________________

Please join us at Peace4 the Missing
A Voice Platform and Support Network for Families with Missing Loved Ones

http://peace4missing.ning.coml

Actively Aware: Jan Smolinski, Nominee of the Eagle Rare Life Award 2011

We Need YOU to Help Save Billy's Law NOW!

2010-07-15T16:15:00.001-07:00

Click HERE to Help Save Billy's Law Now!

1. Copy/Paste this letter located HERE
2. Go HERE to find contact info for Senators on the United States Judicial Committee
3. Fill out the form on each of their individual websites (copy/paste the letter in the remarks area) and click send ...

Please join us at Peace4 the Missing
Missing Persons Awareness and Support Network
http://peace4missing.ning.com

Actively Aware: The big "C" - What it's All About

2010-04-03T20:36:00.000-07:00

Actively Aware: The big "C" - What it's All About

HR 3695 The Help Find The Missing Act (Billy's Law): PUSHING FORWARD - PEACE4 THE MISSING

2010-01-14T10:54:00.000-08:00

Billy's Law ~ The Help Find the Missing Act

Today, January 14, 2010 is Billy Smolinski's birthday, the missing person for which this bill is named.

There is a Judiciary Committee Hearing scheduled for January 21 and his mother, Janice, will be speaking before the committee. She will be speaking as not only a mother with a missing child, but as a representative of all of the family members of a missing person, she is our voice. She has worked 3 years for this day, for the opportunity to finally get this bill before the Representatives in Congress.

It's very clear to all of us who want passage of this bill that it is a "one shot deal." If it fails to make it, there will NOT be another chance to make it happen. The importance of this can not be emphasized enough.

If you have a missing loved one, or are someone who cares about the missing, please help us in this effort. Contact your district's US Representative NOW and ask them to support and sign on as a Co-Sponsor.

Read More...
HR 3695 The Help Find The Missing Act (Billy's Law): PUSHING FORWARD - PEACE4 THE MISSING

Please join us at Peace4 the Missing
Missing Persons Awareness and Support Network
http://peace4missing.ning.com

Don't Apologize, It's Time To Cry

2009-12-07T12:34:00.000-08:00

MAT KEARNEY : Closer To Love

She got the call today
One out of the gray
And when the smoke cleared
It took her breath away
She said she didn't believe
It could happen to me
I guess we're all one phone call
from our knees
We're gonna get there soon

If every building falls
And all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song
The one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon
She's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon

Oh it's your life
Oh it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Meet me once again
Down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin
Down with the wind
And don't apologize
For all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life

I'm gonna get there soon
You're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room
Prayin' Lord come through
We're gonna get there soon

Oh it's your life
Oh it's your way
Pull me out of the dark
Just to show me the way
Cryin out now
From so far away
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love

Cause you are all that I've waited for
All of my life
(We're gonna get there)
You are all that I've waited for
All of my life

You pull me closer to love hu huuh
Closer to love hu huuuh
Pull me closer to love
You pull me closer to love
Closer to love oh no
Closer to love
Closer to love

Pull me closer to love

I Miss Anna Maria Island

2009-10-26T10:27:00.001-07:00

View all

Get your own

When you trash their father, you trash your children

2009-10-08T23:07:00.000-07:00

Divorce and The Monster Under The Bed

This blog post is about parents who hate their ex-spouse or soon to be ex-spouse more than they love their children. It could very well be you.

A very good friend of mine went through a divorce recently. I was very sad to see them divorce, I liked them both very much and was hoping their marriage would last. As far as I can tell, the big issue that ultimately caused their divorce was, of all things, health care. Without getting too caught up in the details, she had complaints about him, and he had complaints about her. Both were convinced that the other was an ass and was being unreasonable. Neither felt that they were at fault and both became increasingly convinced that the other was a really nasty person.

Both of them were right and both were oh-so-very wrong. That is nothing new - divorce is ugly - and couples who once crossed oceans and continents for each other wind up convincing themselves that they married the devil him-/herself. If there are no children involved, make some popcorn and get ready to watch a first-class drama unfold, I say. You will witness the dark side of human nature acted out right before your very eyes as the once loving couple sinks to depths you didn't even know existed.

Pity the children, however, who are forced to join this cast of Misèrables.

When children are involved, it's no longer amusing. If you care at all about your children, you will put your own feelings aside and behave yourself. You will act like an adult. Here are some guidelines in case you are unsure about what that means:

Do not try to get the children to take sides.
Do not say nasty things about the other spouse in front of the children.
Do not withhold child support because your wife is a bitch.
Do not try and prevent your husband from seeing his children - under any circumstances except when there is sexual or physical abuse occurring and you know it for a fact. If this is the case, then a crime is being committed and you need to call the police.
Do not accuse your husband or wife of sexually or physically abusing your children if it is not true. A spanking, a slap or some other past event that you didn't think warranted police intervention at the time, should not be dug up and used as evidence against your spouse now. If you do this, you are a monster and should be ashamed of yourself.
It doesn't matter what your spouse did to you, if he/she didn't do it to the children, keep it out of any discussion of custody or child support.
Let me elaborate: it doesn't matter if your husband had an affair with your sister, your mother and your best friend - this does not give you the right to try to prevent him from seeing his children.
Let me elaborate some more: if your wife decides to bed the entire line-up of your home football team, you will speak of her only with respect when the children are within earshot.
Do not pack up your children and move. Until they are grown, you should make every effort to stay in the same city as your ex. If you have to forgo a great job, relationship or spiffy lifestyle on the beach because of this, tough luck.
Encourage your former spouse to be involved in the lives of his/her children. Do not make it uncomfortable when they do. Even if your ex-husband shows up with his 20 year-old reason he walked out on you.
Don't try and prevent your kids from seeing grandparents or other family members.

I am sure my list has missed some dos and don'ts. If you are ever in doubt as to whether you are acting like a jack-ass and hurting your children, consider this: You will never stop your children from loving the other parent. They will never have an epiphany and realize that you are the wonderful one who was right- and oh what a martyr you are you should be granted sainthood. At least, this will never happen without them killing off a little bit of themselves as well.

That's right. Without killing off a little bit of themselves as well. When you trash their mother, you trash your children. When you trash their father, you trash your children. In fact, you might as well say to them: "You are a horrid person who betrayed me and I hate you" - if that is what you say about the other parent in their presence.

You don't have the right to decide that your children would be better off without the other parent. They won't be.

So, suck it up, behave yourself, and do your complaining to a friend or therapist when your kids aren't there. You married the guy/girl. At the end of the day you are also making a statement about your own judgement and ability to make good decisions.

However you got to where you are, it couldn't have happened without you. So accept responsibility and do what is best for your children. It may be one of the hardest things you ever do, but your children will love you for it.

PS: In my friend's situation, his ex-wife packed up the children and moved back to Germany. He is Chilean and American, but the drama unfolded in Chile, where the Chilean "Tribunal de Familia" granted her full custody and allowed her to leave the country with his kids. She makes it very difficult for him to visit his two boys in Germany, insisting on "supervised visits of no more than an hour or two". Imagine traveling from Chile to Germany to see your kids for an hour. She is punishing her children because of a dispute over the amount of child support. She has also claimed it is harmful for the boys to see their father because they get upset when he has to leave. Her solution is to try and prevent them from seeing him at all.

I know this because I have been helping him communicate with various German social services agencies to try and persuade or force her to allow him to see his kids. I wish she would realize how much she is hurting her boys, and make it easier for them to see their father.

Hope for Life Challenges

2009-09-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

Life Challenges
Life Challenges will touch each and every one of us! Whether it’s you or someone close to you, you will undoubtedly face a personal trial in your life. Why? How do we cope when they hit? Where do we find hope and meaning in the midst of these Life Challenges? Click on some of the sites below to start your journey of help and hope…

Reflections of a Son: My mother’s last hours on earth reflected a powerful life of courage, strength, and faith in Jesus Christ.
Feeling Alone: Are you ready for a change? Find out how you can go from lonely to peace in your heart.
My Purpose in Life: God does answer prayers in mysterious ways. He answered my most fervent prayers for the soul of my beloved son.
God's Will: I developed a deeper relationship with God. I developed a deeper appreciation for God’s will in my life.
Healing A Broken Heart: Find helpful tools and tips for mending your heart from hurt and grief. Find comfort and healing.
Prayers for Healing: God is our hope and promise. He is in control and He does perform miracles. We are part of His family.
Breast Cancer Diagnosis: I questioned why God allowed this to happen. Hadn’t God just promised that He had a wonderful plan for my life?
Cancer Support Groups: As we share our journey with cancer, we get strength and hope from each other, from the Bible, and from prayer.
Dealing With Death Video: Brian Deegan and Ronnie Faisst talk about the death of their good friend Jeremy Lusk. What is the message they want you to hear?
Trusting God: Cancer has taught me to trust. When I release my cancer to God, He works everything out for good.
Parenting Plan: Learn the most important valuables to parenting and how to keep things running smoothly. Value what most important.
Breast Cancer Treatment Options: The overwhelming task of choosing doctors and treatment options -- Where do you begin and who do you trust?
Joy of the Lord: Cancer can make us bitter or better. I found that the joy of the Lord is very important in my healing process.
Breast Cancer Survivor: A personal story about finding peace, joy and hope in the midst of cancer and other trials of life.
Blessings of Cancer: It is better to add life to your years than to add years to your life. God can turn anything for His good.
Ripples of Influence: As a pebble in a pond creates numerous rings of influence, so did my mother in the lives of those she touched.
God’s Plan for my Cancer: I finally turned my cancer over to God and His plan. This helped me release much of my fear.
Guilt: Want to get rid of guilt? Understand the only way it can happen and take steps toward healing.
Total Surrender to God: I learned to give my total life to God. I would spend the rest of my life in total surrender to Him.
Breast Cancer Recurrence: I learned many lessons as a result of my recurrence. I learned to take a more active role in my health.
Traumatic Brain Injury: Read one man’s account of living with TBI – his struggles, alienation, and how he found hope for living.
How to Die: Are you at a point of no return? Has the meltdown occurred, and now thoughts of getting out are running through your mind?
Fantasize: Are they harmful or helpful to a relationship? Does it stimulate a sexual relationship to visualize someone else?
Emotional Infidelity: What is it and how can I prevent it for destroying my marriage and family? Discover answers and tips here.
Teen Pregnancy: Find information and helpful advice from girls who have been in your shoes. What did they learn?
Gifts From God: God gave me my last days to see His wonderful plan being worked out in the lives of those I love.
Life Challenges: Are you struggling with issues related to emotional or physical challenges, marriage and family, or addiction? Find help here.
Parenting Tips: What can I expect the moment I become a parent? Can I be truly ready? Find out here.
Stress Relief: How does stress affect me physically, mentally, and emotionally? Discover the facts here.
Coping With Separation: Separating from those we love is hard. Learn why you are having these feelings and find help for your hurting heart.
Self Worth: Where is my worth based? Can I improve it by doing things or is it something given to me?
Child Discipline: Why is discipline important? Learn practical tips and techniques.
Pancreatitis: The pancreas secretes the enzymes that help digest our food. What happens when those enzymes start digesting the pancreas itself?
Overcoming Jealousy: An emotion that can lead to bitterness and anger. Read one person’s account of how jealous feelings were removed.
Blended Families: It can be tricky to pull two families together and make it work. Find helpful information on being successful.
All About Parenting: Do you want your children to grow up to be responsible adults? Learn skills and advice from other parents.
Panic Attacks: You wonder if the acute indigestion you’ve been treating yourself for is really panic attacks. How can you be sure?
Managing Diabetes: I think I may have with diabetes! Is this a death sentence? What should I do first? Will I need shots?
Christian Family Counseling: A Christian home is a Christ-led and Christ-focused home. How do we pull this off?
Chronic Pain Relief: Dealing with this is a physical trial. Discover ultimate peace, acceptance, and value. Learn how to cope.
Christians and Porn: How does pornography affect a man's spiritual life and fellowship with God? Read this story of darkness.
Dealing With Depression: Do you want to laugh and enjoy life again? Learn how to be free from sadness and anxiety.
Adopting A Child: Have you and your spouse considered adopting, but heard far too many horror stories? One couple like you overcame numerous hurdles. Read here to see how!
Marital Infidelity: Statistics and facts regarding extramarital relationships are undeniable. Evidence points to these statistics being on the increase.
Empty Nest: Are you in the transition of accepting your empty home? Discover how to make the most of this life transition.
Discouragement: Where is God in your discouraged spirit? Why are you so sad? Find help from His Word here.
Separation Anxiety: Learn how to teach toddlers not to react negatively when you leave them with a sitter or family member. Leaving shouldn't be stressful.
Forgiving Infidelity: How can unfaithfulness in a marriage be cured? How can this hurtful addiction be broken? Find forgiveness.
Suicide Of A Child: Read how one mother expresses the loss of her son from suicide. She found hope among her grieving.
Coping With Divorce: A divorce is devastating for everyone involved. How do men cope with divorce?
Chronic Pain: A personal story of trial and denial. An answer to prayer. Turning pain into a deeper relationship with God.
Grief Process: Are you hurting due to the loss of a loved one? A greater understanding of loss will help you cope.
Alzheimers Support: How can you help someone suffering from Alzheimer’s? This article can start you off on that journey with some helpful ideas.
Love Addiction: Are you addicted to love and sex? Find out how the dangers and find out how to break free.
Inside The Mind Of A Sex Addict: Read how one man found help and relief from a strong porn addiction. Learn how to find help for yourself or a loved one.
Divorce Questions: Divorce rips at the heart of our society as it displaces and devastates kids. Find another way here.
All About Life Challenges: Find hope and comfort as you go through difficult times in your life. Learn principles to help you cope.
Marriage Conflict: How do we disagree in marital conflict and still come out of it loving each other? Learn techniques.
Spouse Abuse: Your spouse belittles and criticizes you, but has not been physically abusive. Is this acceptable? Should you be worried?
Anger Management Techniques: Would you like peace to replace anger in your life? If so, learn these helpful techniques for improvement.
Chronic Fatigue: Are the symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome serious? Can it lead to something more serious? What causes Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?
Hair Loss: My mother’s father was bald. Does this mean I will be, too? Can anything be done about it? Find out.
Gastric Bypass Surgery: Read one woman’s personal story of how this surgery changed her life and medical needs.
Verbal Abuse: Stuck in an abusive relationship? Want to know how to stop the abuse? Read steps others have taken here.
Husband Addicted to Porn: Did you find out your husband’s addiction? What should you do? How do you cope? Learn some helpful information here.
Christian Testimony Video: You have got to watch this story of Greg Outlaw who was pronounced terminally ill and what happened after that! You name it drugs, alcohol, sexual addiction, materialism, hedonism, and a lifestyle of debauchery -- nothing can change a life like God can!
Menopause: At what age does menses cease? What are hot flashes? Is there medication a woman can take for symptoms? Read.
Overcome Fear: Is it possible to conquer fears? Understand their origin and how to best counteract their power in your life.
Metastatic Breast Cancer: Discover renewed hope in your life battle. Read how one woman found peace and joy in the midst of pain.
Reverse Aging: Managing mortality is thought to be one of the biggest goals in life. Is it yours? Find out how to have a balanced perspective.
Manage Attention Deficit Disorder: Have you or your child been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD? There’s help available. Learn various treatment and how to find support.
Hepatitis C: Are you at risk to contract Hepatitis C? This article explores the definition, risks, treatments, and hope for the virus.
Adult Children of Alcoholics: Dealing with parents who have addictive habits? Are they inebriated all the time? Want relief? Read here for answers.
Cancer Patients: Are you reeling from a cancer diagnosis? Wondering why this happened to you? Find out who to trust for comfort.
Signs Of Depression: Read a personal story of diagnosis and treatment. This person survived the trial and came out victorious. Learn more here.
Manic Depressive: Learn about the disorder, the treatment options, and the hope of recovery. Why does it affect mood, energy, and the ability to function?
Meaning in Tragedy: The news is continually filled with tragedy. Is there a purpose in it? Why does God allow these horrible things to happen?
Bed Wetting: Discover what causes this problem and how to respond to your child.
Trying to Conceive: Are you struggling with infertility and trying to cope emotionally? Consider these insightful tips for coping in a healthy manner.
Borderline Personality Disorder: Learn more about BPD, the symptoms and treatment of this disorder. Find help and hope.
Anger Management For Parents: Learn how to control your anger and be an example for your children.
Coping With Loneliness: Friends can let us down when they turn away during a life crisis. When we're alone, who can we turn to?
Dealing with Difficult People: How do you handle difficult people? Do you know how to get past the insults? Find out here.
Cancer Treatment: Treatment can be so difficult. Read one woman’s story of hope and encouragement for those going through treatments.
Decision Making: What are the consequences of a bad decision? Selfish impulses usually lead to those consequences. Learn how to avoid them.
Premarital Sex: Is it morally right or wrong? How do I know for sure? What should I take into consideration when making this decision?
Single Parent: Identify your struggles and find support for your family. You have a tough job, but you can survive!
Family Conflicts: How can we help our families communicate better in order to resolve the conflict that so often occurs?
Miscarriage Statistics: The definitions and statistics underlying miscarriage. The physical and emotional effects.
Stillbirth: Read a personal story of a couple who coped through this devastating situation. How did they get through?
Obesity Help: Learn how to change your perspective and surrender your weight to God. Read one woman’s story here.
Coping With Depression: Do you know the options that are available to fight it? A combination of treatments may be best.
Coping With Anxiety: Do you worry too much? Is your body reacting negatively? Discover how to reduce stress and find lasting relief.
Post Abortion Syndrome: The medical and emotional pain. The long-term effects of depression and despair. A message of hope.
Television Addiction: Find out how the television obsession has impacted today’s culture. Discover how you can break the cycle in your family.
Dealing With Death: Are you searching for comfort after a loss? Learn how to find lasting acceptance and peace.
Christian Marriage Counseling: Are you looking for help and support in your relationship? Consider the expertise of counsel from a biblical perspective.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Learn the basics about OCD -- its symptoms, treatment possibilities, and how to find lasting and eternal peace.
Single Woman: Do you have a longing, a desire in your heart to be a wife? Read one woman’s story of her journey.
Late Term Abortion: Study the facts about this type of abortion. Read one young woman’s story about her life. Make an informed decision.
Working Mom: Are you a woman who wears many hats? Consider helpful tips and encouragement from someone who has been there.
Military Wife: Learn from others on how to cope when your spouse is away for a long period of time. How do you cope?
Retirement Planning: When preparing for this life transition, remember the emotional, physical, and spiritual aspects of your life. Be prepared in all areas.
Marital Intimacy: Learn more about marital intimacy and how to strengthen it emotionally and sexually. Find out helpful tips.
Caring For The Elderly: What is involved in care-giving? Learn helpful tips for transitioning into this time of life. Read a personal story.
Coping With Miscarriage: The truth about miscarriage and the ways to deal with the pain of early pregnancy loss.

--
http://peace4missing.ning.com
http://papamore.blogspot.com
http://activelyaware.blogspot.com

How to prepare for your child custody case

2009-09-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

Child Custody Battles - Getting Prepared

Today, it can no longer be assumed that the mother will get custody of the children. Instead, what judges consider during a custody trial is based on the "best interests of the child", and they try to give custody to the parent who will provide the best environment and upbringing for the children.

To win your child custody case, you will need to prove to the judge that it is in the best interest of the children to be with you. In preparing for a custody case, be aware that your parenting skills and daily interactions with your children will be thoroughly inspected by a judge. Just telling the judge that you are a good parent won't be enough. You need provide documentation and testimony from witnesses to back up your parental capabilities.

Keeping detailed, consistent records is critically important in child custody battles. You need to be prepared to show the judge that you have gone out of your way to nurture and care for your children. Because there is so much at stake, you also need to document any short-comings of your spouse that would be relevant to the custody case.

There are a number of ways that you can prove that you are a better parent. Below are some ideas:

Record activities with your children on a daily basis to help show that you are heavily involved in your children's life on a continuing basis.
Attend all school activities, such as parent-teacher meetings, assemblies, school plays, and musicals. Try to interact with your child's teacher and office support staff in an ongoing manner. Keep record of all the activities that you attend.
Be the parent who takes your child to the doctor and dentist. This will help support that you are a nurturing parent, plus provide witnesses that will testify that you are the parent who brought the children in most often.
Foster your child's involvement in church and family activities. This will help prove that you are providing for your child's moral upbringing.
Take your children on vacations and outings to show that you spend quality time with your children. If possible take pictures and keep mementos for extra documentation.
Get witness who have observed you interact with your child over a long period of time to support that you are a good parent. This includes relatives, teachers, doctors, child-care workers, neighbors, and friends.

While you need to emphasize that you are a good parent, you may also need to document the poor performance of your spouse with your children. Documentation on your spouse might include:

Evidence of an overwhelming work schedule that restricts interaction with the children,
Interference with custody, visitation times, or failure to pay temporary support for the children,
Incidences of domestic violence, such as police records, photos of bruises, etc,
DWI convictions, jail time, or proof of drug use,
Evidence of mental illness,
Activities that might endanger or could be detrimental to the child,
Any comments the children have made about neglectful, inappropriate, alienating or abusive forms of parenting by the other parent,
Cohabitating or exposing the children to over-night stays with a significant other.

As you can see, keeping detailed, consistent records is critically important in child custody battles. It allows you to pinpoint patterns of interactions or problems that would be important to the judge.

©Tracy Achen 2005
At WomansDivorce.com we have one focus - helping women survive divorce and rebuild their lives.

If you are facing a custody trial, you might consider using custody tracking software (such as the Custody Toolbox) to help your case. Custody software makes it easy to keep track of all the documentation relevant to your case and organize it into an easy to follow format.

For more information concerning child custody, and how divorce affects children, check out the following articles:
Recording Cell Phone Voice Messages
Preparing for Your Custody Evaluation
Custody Assessment Issues
How To Win Custody
Using A Parenting Coordinator
Custody Fight - Keep It Out Of Court
More Articles about Children

You Are Not the Cause of Anger or Abuse

2009-09-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

Emotional Abuse
Note: Dr. Stosny posted some of this same material and much more on emotional abuse on the Oprah Winfrey website

You Are Not the Cause of Your Partner’s Anger or Abuse

Anger and abuse in relationships are about blame: "I feel bad, and it's your fault." Even when resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive people recognize their behavior, they are likely to blame it on their partners: "You push my buttons," or, "I might have overreacted, but I'm human, and look what you did!"

Angry and abusive partners tend to be anxious by temperament. From the time they were young children, they've had a consistent sense of dread that things will go badly and they will fail to cope. They try to control their environment to avoid terrible feelings of failure and inadequacy.

The strategy of trying to control others fails even if they are powerful, for the simple reason that the primary cause of their anxiety is within them, not in their environment. It springs from one of two sources: a heavy dread of failure or fear of harm, isolation, and deprivation.

The Silent Abuser
Not all emotional abuse involves shouting or criticism. More common forms are “disengaging” – the distracted or preoccupied spouse - or "stonewalling" – the spouse who refuses to accept anyone else’s perspective.

While verbal abuse and other forms of emotional abuse can be roughly equal between men and women, stonewallers are almost exclusively male. Biology and social conditioning make it is easier for men to turn off emotions. The corpus callosum – the part of the brain that connects its two hemispheres is smaller in men, making it easier for them to shut out information from the emotionally-oriented right hemisphere. On top of that slight biological difference, social conditioning promotes the analytical, unemotional male on the one hand or the strong silent type on the other.

The partner who stonewalls may not overtly put you down. Nevertheless, he punishes you for disagreeing with him by refusing even to think about your perspective. If he listens at all, he does so dismissively or impatiently.

The disengaging husband says, "Do whatever you want, just leave me alone." He is often a workaholic, couch potato, womanizer, or obsessive about sports or some other activity. He tries to deal with his inadequacy about relationships by simply by not trying – no attempt means no failure.

Both stonewalling and disengaging tactics can make you feel:

Unseen and unheard
Unattractive
Like you don't count
Like a single parent

What All Forms of Abuse Have in Common
Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse result from failures of compassion; he/she stops caring about how you feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of marriage; failure of compassion is its heart disease.

It would be less hurtful if your partner never cared about how you felt. But when you were falling in love, he/she cared a great deal. So now it feels like betrayal when he or she doesn't care or try to understand. That’s not the person you married. Failure of compassion can feel like abuse.

Harmful Adaptations to Anger and Abuse: Walking on Eggshells
The most insidious aspect of abuse is not the obvious nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism or other demeaning behavior. It's the adaptations you make to try to prevent those painful episodes. You walk on eggshells to keep the peace or a semblance of connection.

Women are especially vulnerable to the negative effects of walking on eggshells due to their greater vulnerability to anxiety. Many brave women engage in constant self-editing and self-criticism to keep from "pushing his buttons." Emotionally abused women can second guess themselves so much that they feel as though they have lost themselves in a deep hole.

Recovery from walking on eggshells requires removing focus from repair of your relationship and your partner and placing it squarely on your personal healing. The good news is that the most powerful form of healing comes from within you. You can draw on your great inner resources by reintegrating your deepest values into your everyday sense of self. This will make you feel more valuable, confident, and powerful, regardless of what your partner does.

No One Escapes the Effects of Abuse

Families do not communicate primarily by language. That might surprise you, until you consider that humans bonded in families for millennia before we even had language. Even today, the most sensitive communications that have the most far-reaching consequences to our lives occur between parents and infants through tone of voice, facial expressions, touch, smell, and body posture, not language.

Though less obvious than interactions with young children, most of your communications with your older children and with your husband also occur through an unconscious process of emotional attunement. You psychologically and even physically tune in your emotions to the people you love. That’s how you can come home in one mood, find your husband or children in a different mood and, bam! – all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you’re in their mood. Quite unconsciously, you automatically react to one another.

Emotional attunement, not verbal skills, determines how we communicate, from our choice of words to our tone of voice. If attuned to a positive mood, you are likely to communicate pleasantly. If you’re in a negative mood, your words will be less than pleasant.

Now here’s the really bad news. Due to this unconscious, automatic process of emotional attunement, your children are painfully reactive to the walking-on-eggshells atmosphere between your husband and you, even if they never hear you say a harsh word to one another.

Everyone in a walking-on-eggshells family loses some degree of dignity and autonomy. You become unable to decide your own thoughts, feelings, and behavior, because you are living in a defensive-reactive pattern that runs largely on automatic pilot. No fewer than half the members of these unfortunate families, including the children, suffer from clinical anxiety and/or depression. (“Clinical” doesn’t mean feeling down or blue or worried, it means that the symptoms interfere with normal functioning. You can’t sleep, can’t concentrate, can’t work as efficiently, and can’t enjoy yourself without drinking.) Most of the adults lack genuine self-esteem (based on realistic self-appraisals), and the children rarely feel as good as other kids.

When it comes to the more severe forms of destructiveness, purely emotional abuse is usually more psychologically harmful than physical abuse. There are a couple of reasons for this. Even in the most violent families, the incidents tend to be cyclical. Early in the abuse cycle, a violent outburst is followed by a honeymoon period of remorse, attention, affection, and generosity, but not genuine compassion. (The honeymoon stage eventually ends, as the victim begins to say, “Never mind the damn flowers, just stop hitting me!”) Emotional abuse, on the other hand, tends to happen every day. So the effects are more harmful because they’re so frequent.

The other factor that makes emotional abuse so devastating is the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves. If someone hits you, it’s easier to see that he or she is the problem, but if the abuse is subtle – saying or implying that you’re ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you – you are more likely to think it’s your problem.

Important questions to ask of yourself:

Do I like myself?
Am I able to realize my potential?
Does everyone I care about feel safe?
Do my children like themselves?
Are they able to realize their fullest potential?
Do they feel safe?

Cuz sometimes you've gotta let love go

2009-09-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

"River Of Life"
by Heather Nova

I wanted to feel like a bird on the wings of time
But it was not our time
I wanted to lie for a while in the fields and dream
But it was not to be

Cuz sometimes you've gotta let love go
Even though it's hurting, even though
And sometimes you've got to let love slide
Out with the river, the river of life

I wanted to hold you so long in the dark till dawn
But I could feel you go
I wanted to sing; in my head I could hear a song
But it was not our song

Cuz sometimes you've gotta let love go
Even though it's hurting, even though
Sometimes you've gotta let love slide
Out with the river, the river of life

"break the silence"

2009-08-30T12:52:00.000-07:00

In this poem, Florida prisoner Heaher Johnson reaches out to others, urgging them to "break the silence" and speak out about their lives.

Untitled
by Heather Johnson

Put down the hand that covers your mouth when you begin to speak about the pain your soul has been bearing for what seems to be an eternity.

Tear down the wall you have built around your heart that allows you to love only from a distance and never build a bond with those whose bodies press against the other side trying to get close to you.

Step out of your armor, put down your shield and learn to trust with caution knowing God will protect you from harm. Do not continue to live your life in fear.

Break free of the chains that have you tied to situations that do not bring you happiness. If you are unhappy you are vulnerable to the temptations we face dail that only bringtemporary happiness with an end result of pain.

Lift your feet out of the cement shoes that have you standing in a place and step out on faith. Achieve your goals, explore your dreams, educate your mind, and make use of every talent that you possess.

Remove the glue that keeps your lips sealed and share your deepest thoughts and feelings. Cry, laugh, scream, moan, and whisper until your soul and mind feel at ease. No longer shall you be bound by all the hurt, anger and disappointments of the past.

Hold your head up and dry your eyes for you are restated. The silence is now broken...

Seeking domestic violence advocates to honor

2009-08-30T11:38:00.000-07:00

Previous nominees include filmmaker, shelter volunteers, law enforcement officers

By MEGAN SCHMIDT

The Holland Sentinel

Posted Aug 22, 2009 @ 04:30 AM

Holland, MI —

Officer Gwen DeGraaf showed female college students how to defend themselves against attackers.

Advocate Sally Ashley worked night shifts at an Allegan women’s shelter, giving domestic assault victims a safe place to stay and listening to their stories for more than 10 years.

They were just two of the people honored at last year’s “Together We Can” appreciation dinner for their efforts to protect Ottawa and Allegan county women from violence.

The Lakeshore Alliance Against Domestic and Sexual Violence and the Allegan County Coordinating Council on Domestic Violence are seeking nominations for this year’s round of awards, to be presented on Oct. 27 at the 2009 “Together We Can” dinner.

“When you’re doing the work, there’s not a lot of celebration,” Jo Ann Wassanaar of LAADSV, said. “It’s hard work. This gives us opportunity to celebrate what these individuals have done, going over and above their job descriptions.”

The annual awards program has honored more than 30 law enforcement and court officials, agency workers and volunteers since it began in 2002.

Last year’s winners included DeGraaf, a Grand Valley State University police officer who conducted a RAD — or Rape Aggression Defense training — class on campus for female students. Other winners in law enforcement included detectives Jeff Steigenga of the Ottawa County Sheriff’s Office and Bruce Beckman of the Otsego Police Department.

They also included Ashley, a shelter worker at Sylvia’s Place in Allegan who clocked hundreds of hours of service.

David Schock, filmmaker for the documentary “Who Killed Janet Chandler?” about the Hope College student whose rape and murder remained a mystery for almost 30 years, was also honored.

Awards are broken into three categories: Volunteers and community members, court and law enforcement officials and agency employees. Agencies could include churches, nonprofits or shelters, as well as schools or government.

“We love to get nominations from individuals who have experienced firsthand the work someone else has done,” she said. “But it could also come from a co-worker or a supervisor who knows the kinds of work the person does.”

Recognizing community members for their achievements also highlights what’s being done about domestic violence, Wassenaar said.

“It’s unfortunate that during times of economic stress that it puts even more pressure on families and relationships,” Wassenaar said. “This is a way to share with the community who is doing that work on the front lines of domestic violence.”

To nominate someone for any of the awards, download a nomination form at delta.aplaceforwomen.org/upcoming-events. Nominations will be accepted through Oct. 2.

Those who wish to attend the dinner may also register at that Web site.

http://delta.aplaceforwomen.org/contact/upcoming-events/

The Fine Line between Control and Concern

2009-08-29T21:55:00.000-07:00

How To Be Successful Secrets

2009-08-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

This list was compiled by asking a large number of individuals what it is that they do that makes them successful.

Simply Successful Secrets Roundup!

Top 15 Success Secrets - All received at least 25 individual votes, in order from most popular to least popular

1. Exercise/Eating Healthy Foods - Including walking, running, swimming, rollerblading, bicycling, resistance exercise, yoga, pilates, taking the stairs, drinking plenty of water, drinking healthy tea, taking vitamins and/or minerals, practicing martial arts, and eating foods in the proper proportions and at the proper times of day. - 71 Votes

2. Read - Including books, textbooks, blogs, helpful magazines, newspapers, library books, children's books, fiction and non-fiction, articles, newsletters, mind puzzles, comic books, and the Bible. - 63 Votes

3. Practice Productivity Habits - Including Simpleology, "tickler" systems, time management, focused intensity exercises, responding to email/telephone calls in a timely manner, being organized, finishing tasks once they are started, keeping a to-do list, turning off the TV, reviewing tasks the night before, doing tasks in chunks or blocks of time, prioritizing, only focusing on things within our control, knowing when to stop spending time on any given task, knowing which tasks are even worthy of your time, keeping it simple, using the proper tools, doing something right the first time, and controlling the flow of information. - 58 Votes

4. Switch Off/Quiet Time/Recreation - Including taking down time to watch TV, playing games/video games, getting out of the house, knitting, spending time with friends, making time for yourself, working on community activities, shopping, taking a bath, rewarding yourself, sitting in a hot tub, and other recreational activities. - 51 Votes

5. Staying Focused on Mindset and Tasks - Including being mindful of the proper mindset for any given situation, avoiding stress by knowing when to say "no", staying focused on the task(s) at hand, listening to your intuition, consistently working on tasks that lead to goal attainment, being persistent or having a high level of perseverance, being focused on the journey rather than the reward, taking one step at a time, reminding yourself why you are doing what you are doing, giving your best effort every single time, and practicing affirmations. - 44 Votes

6. Finding Joy/Happiness - Including the realization that we can create joy from our own state of mind, observations of the many things in our lives to be joyful about, having fun, smiling, laughing, appreciating life/nature, not taking life too seriously, enjoying the little things, doing what you want to do at any given moment, having a cheerful attitude, loving your work or your career, living/working with passion, celebrating your successes, living every day as if it is your last, and acting silly. - 42 Votes

7. Practice Gratitude - Including reflecting on life, being grateful for wonderful events, for lessons that have been learned, for health, for opportunities, for other people in our lives, for the beauty of nature, for jobs and careers, and for technology. Also, thinking of things before bed and again upon rising to be grateful for, and not taking people or situations for granted. - 41 Votes

8. Visualize/Clarify short and long-term Goals - Including visualizing the future, setting new goals, reading goal lists, clarifying and documenting desired outcomes, saying goals out loud, making/focusing on vision boards and other goal reminders, setting intentions, practicing Law of Attraction principles, and reevaluating and refocusing on your goals when circumstances change. - 37 Votes

9. Writing - Including blogs, business and personal journals, articles, stories, notes, websites, and copywriting. - 36 Votes

10. Family Time - Including play
time, family meals, watching TV, reading to children, spending time with spouse/significant other, talking to parents or other relatives, spending time with children. - 35 Votes

11. Learning from other People - Including emulating successful behavior, avoiding mistakes that other people have made, learning something new every day, and engaging in interesting conversations. - 30 Votes

12. Practice Personal Growth/Self Development - Including asking "How can I?" questions, reading personal development articles, books, & blogs, surrounding yourself with positive/empowering people, committing to personal or spiritual transformations, being self-sufficient, and listening to, reading, or watching motivational or inspirational content. - 28 Votes

13. Becoming Still/Letting Go - Including a conscious effort to stop thinking about how things are going to work, taking mental down time during which you do not think about the future, practicing resistance releasing techniques, not overly thinking situations, simply being quiet, and listening when others speak. - 28 Votes

14. Research/Gain Experience - Including Internet research, asking others for their opinions, trying new things outside of the norm, and getting job/personal/career related education or experience. - 26 Votes

15. Not being Afraid/Pushing your Limits - Including taking on challenging projects, setting hard to reach goals, accepting difficult employment assignments, trying new things, asking for help, saying "no", and taking risks. Also includes getting outside of your comfort zone, continuing to focus on a task even when you think you can't do it anymore, doing things that you wouldn't normally do, putting yourself in difficult situations so that you have no choice but to perform, having big dreams, and embracing the unknown. - 25 Votes

The next 20 - All received at least 10 votes, in order from most popular to least popular

16. Helping Others - Including social work, forgiving others for past misgivings, being available when others need assistance, opening up, donating time or money, giving back/paying it forward, giving advice/feedback to others, knowing when not to give advice, helping others to attain greater heights, and being generous. - 22 Votes

17. Meditate - Including guided meditation, mind-clearing meditations, Holosync, hypnotherapy recordings, brain-wave recordings, breathing techniques, deep thought, reprogramming of old belief systems, and paraliminals. - 21 Votes

18. Planning/Scheduling - Including planning tasks to be accomplished on any given day, planning days or weeks in advance for upcoming tasks, scheduling the proper amount of time at or away from your place of business, and starting or stopping work according to a preset schedule. - 20 Votes

19. Be Creative - Including writing, making jewelry, metal works, painting, gardening, designing graphics, drawing, cooking, doing something crazy once in awhile, sculpting, daydreaming, singing, writing poetry, sewing, crocheting, and just generally allowing the mental flow of creativity. - 19 Votes

20. Communicate Online - Including instant messaging, email, message boards, telecommuting, and sharing files online. - 19 Votes

21. Be Confident in who you Are - Including coming up with your own solutions to problems, choosing appropriate advice to take that is given by others, believing in yourself and your abilities, believing in your career or choice of business, leveraging your personal strengths, knowing your weaknesses, having great love for yourself, and making eye contact with other people. Also, not being afraid to be yourself, admitting your mistakes, not modifying your personality to suit the needs of others, allowing yourself to be at ease as you go through life, and making personal observations about yourself so that you can make modifications as you see fit. - 19 Votes

22. Get up Early - Including getting out of bed before other members of the household, getting up early enough to accomplish tasks before the busy parts of the day, enjoying quiet time before the world wakes up, and getting up at the same time on the weekends as during the week. - 18 Votes

23. Having a Positive Attitude - Including looking on the bright side, not succumbing to negativity, not allowing circumstances to dictate your level of happiness, practicing forgiveness, and removing negative people and influences from your life. - 18 Votes

24. MasterMind Groups/Partnerships - Including working with or being influenced by others for the purposes of goal setting, best practices, growth strategies, conference calls, sharing ideas, networking, and spending time with others who have similar interests. 17 Votes

25. Get out in Nature - Including going for walks, hiking, gardening, sitting outside, enjoying fresh air, and general communing. - 16 Votes

26. Taking Action - Including acting on inspired thoughts, securing resources for business growth, accomplishing business-related tasks, moving quickly when an idea comes to you, taking the first steps on a new project - even if it is a big one, experimenting with new ideas, and focusing on the accomplishment of daily tasks. - 15 Votes

27. Get enough Sleep - Including night-time sleep, afternoon naps, power naps, various sleep/nap methodologies, and sticking to a regular sleep schedule. - 15 Votes

28. Appreciating Music - Including listening to music, meditating to music, being inspired or motivated by music, and playing musical instruments. - 15 Votes

29. Blogging - Including writing, reading, commenting, tending to technical issues, handling administrative tasks, and marketing. - 14 Votes

30. Doing things Differently - Including interacting with people in different ways than the norm, taking a different path than others take or that is expected of you, questioning present systems or management guidelines, and doing what you want to do regardless of what other people think. Also includes standing up for your rights, standing your ground for what you believe in, "sticking to your guns" even when others don't believe in your ideals, allowing your beliefs to power your life, and remaining effective as a parent despite social stigmas, expectations, or standards. - 13 Votes

31. Give and Receive Affection - Including hugs, kisses, shaking hands, quality time with family, being open to experiencing and sharing emotions, and loving unconditionally. - 12 Votes

32. Prayer/Spirituality - Including active prayer, mindfulness of spirituality, reading from religious texts, working inline with specific religious beliefs, practicing devotion, and examining existence or spirituality. -
12 Votes

33. Write down/record Thoughts or Ideas - Including recording thoughts for inspired action to take, new business ideas, reminders to do something, goals you want to achieve, or doing a "brain dump" in order to put all of your thoughts out on the table in order to be sorted out and acted upon. - 12 Votes

34. Setting Personal Standards - Including personal goals to accomplish, personality traits to honor, ethics and morals to live up to, competition with oneself, following your passions, believing in your own potential, rewarding yourself for your accomplishments, working at your own pace, respecting the systems that you put in place for yourself, and not living with undue self-imposed pressures. - 12 Votes

35. Keeping Perspective - Including being flexible and resilient, maintaining your sense of humor in the face of adversity, "rolling with the punches", recognizing that success can change forms as you grow and develop, looking for the positive lessons in life's experiences, allowing introspection, and seeing things from another's point of view. - 11 Votes

All the Rest - Each received between 1 and 9 votes, in order from most popular to least popular

36. Talking - Including talking to friends and family members, talking to clients or co-workers, talking to yourself out loud, communicating effectively with others, and knowing when it is effective to talk and when it is not. - 9 Votes

37. Measure Success - Including tracking financial figures, traffic/customer levels, weight loss goals, career status, and assessing your most and least productive activities. - 9 Votes

38. Think before Acting and Speaking - Including pausing before answering questions, considering the outcome of actions, putting forth well thought-out responses and actions, being objective even during moments of strong disagreement, empathizing with the needs of others, practicing courtesy, respect, and good manners, remaining calm, keeping things private when appropriate to do so, and using appropriate language. - 9 Votes

39. Don't Burn your Bridges - Including the art of leaving a job without ruining your reputation, gracefully getting out of relationships, dealing with family members in a civil manner, acting appropriately around and towards other people, being kind, being honest, being nice, and practicing respect. - 8 Votes

40. Follow Through on Plans - Including sticking to a to-do list, honoring obligations, making it to scheduled appointments on time, following a productive daily routine, and keeping your word. - 7 Votes

41. Having a Morning Routine - Including drinking certain beverages, eating certain foods, spending quality time alone or with family members, or spending time in solitude. - 6 Votes

42. Focusing on the Highest Priority tasks - Including spending time on things that are more important in the long-term than the short-term, and doing the most important tasks first each day. - 6 Votes

43. Accepting Responsibility - Including concepts such as leading by example, being mindful of the way that we talk to others, thinking about the needs of others when making decisions, coming to terms with the results of our past actions, and raising children with proper levels of discipline and respect. Also includes thinking about the positive or negative implications of choices, staying on a path that leads most directly to success, evaluating possibilities based on their long-term results, and living your life consciously or intentionally. - 6 Votes

44. Taking Scheduled time Off - Including scheduled days off each week, breaks from work, and planned vacations. - 3 Votes

45. Delegate Effectively - Including delegating tasks to other people, removing certain tasks from your mental or physical to-do list, setting up residual income streams or passive management systems, and outsourcing tasks to other companies or individuals. - 3 Votes

46. Over-delivering - Including giving customers more than they paid for, practicing excellent customer service, getting things done quickly or ahead of schedule, and doing more for your friends or family than they expected you to do. - 3 Votes

47. Multi-tasking - Including dividing your mental focus between more than one task at a time, doing one task while another runs in the background, and finding creative ways to get more things done. - 3 Votes

48. Living in Harmony - Including putting away work in order to spend time with friends or family, stopping what you are doing to give undivided attention to people, tending to areas of your life that need attention - even if it means that tasks in other areas won't get done, building a well-rounded lifestyle rather than just focusing on your business, yourself, or your family, and maintaining a balance of internal and external factors. - 3 Votes

49. Maintaining Contacts - Including staying in touch with friends and family, staying up to date with business associates, keeping in touch with vendors & suppliers, having appropriate interpersonal relations in the workplace, and appropriate workplace friendships.- 3 Votes

50. Have no Regrets - Including seeing everything in life as a learning experience, finding knowledge in things that did not go your way, and not doing things that you wouldn't be willing to own up to later on down the road. - 2 Votes

51. Look at each Day as Full of Opportunities - Including making a fresh start each day, not lamenting about the past, and being motivated about brand-new chances for success. - 2 Votes

52. Look your Best Everyday - Including dressing professionally for work, and putting on certain types of clothes to get into the spirit or the role of what you are about to do. - 2 Votes

53. Be prepared for the Worst - Including the extrapolation of "worst case scenarios", expecting the unexpected, projecting possible success barriers, and being prepared for the fact that some ideas won't work out. - 2 Votes

54. Ask the Right Questions - Including "How much can I do with my life today?", "Am I fully committed, yet completely detached?", "How can I feel good today?", "How can I make the impossible possible?", "What is my body thinking and feeling and what does it want?", and "What is the next obvious thing that I should do?". - 2 Votes

55. Practice - Including learning something by actually doing it, or improving skills that you already have. - 1 Vote

56. Recording Life - Including taking and cataloguing pictures, video-tap
ing events, and sharing videos online. - 1 Vote

57. Getting into the Light - Including getting into the daylight as soon as possible each day, and getting an adequate amount of sunshine. - 1 Vote

58. Only Work with Certain People - Including only choosing clients who are going to honor your time and your offerings, and only working with partners who you have synergy with or who represent a high probability of success. - 1 Vote

59. Be a "Big Fish in a Small Pond" - Including excelling at things that you are good at, yet not trying to be everything to everyone - you can always branch out later. - 1 Vote

60. Take appropriate Medications - Including anti-depressants, asthma medicine, or ADD/ADHD medicine. - 1 Vote

61. Be Competitive - Including making the best products, having the best company, competing with yourself on a personal level, or competing in physical fitness events. - 1 Vote

62. Be Cynical - Including not believing everything that you hear or see, taking things "with a grain of salt", and applying your own filter to knowledge that crosses your path. - 1 Vote

How To Raise A Compassionate Kid

2009-08-06T19:30:00.000-07:00

What Makes Kids Care?: Teaching Gentleness in a Violent World

In a world where violence and cruelty seem to be common and almost acceptable, many parents wonder what they can do to help their children to become kinder and gentler--to develop a sense of caring and compassion for others. Raising kids who care isn't a solution to violence by itself, but it's reasonable to worry that being exposed to a lot of violence -- whether it's on television or on the streets -- could make your children hard and uncaring.

Parents, of course, can't completely control all the things that affect their children's lives. After all, children spend a lot of time out in the 'real world,' which can often be harsh, uncaring, or just plain unhappy. And children have their own personalities and characteristics that parents can't change or control. But there are some things that a parent can do to encourage their children to become caring, fair, and responsible.

People sometimes think that children don't really see the outside world -- or other people -- the way adults do, that they only view the world from their own eyes and in their own way. But is this true?

Researchers used to believe that a sense of real caring about others only came as people grow into adulthood. But now studies are finding that children can show signs of empathy and concern from a very early age. They react with concern when they see unhappiness, wanting to help or fix the problem.

And one study found that teenagers who were involved in helping others felt very positive about their lives and had high hopes for their own futures.

The most important thing you as a parent can do is to let your children know how much it means to you that they behave with kindness and responsibility. When you see your child doing something that you think is thoughtless or cruel, you should let them know right away that you don't want them doing that. Speak to your child firmly and honestly, and keep your focus on the act, not on the child personally -- something along the lines of 'What you did is not very nice' rather than 'YOU are not very nice.'

This emotional reaction needs to be accompanied by information--some explanation of why you disapprove--for example, 'Look, Joey is crying. He's crying because you took his toy away. That wasn't a very nice thing to do!' or 'It hurts the cat when you do that; that's why he scratched you. It isn't kind, and I don't want you to do that any more!' It's important to let children know how deeply you feel about their behavior toward others. If they see that you have a real emotional commitment to something, it's more likely that the issue will become important to them, too.

Be frank, honest and upfront with your kids about what kind of behavior you do and don't like. Keep your comments short and to the point; the idea is to teach them, not to make them feel guilty.

According to another study there are two kinds of parental role modeling that help teach children to be caring: kindness to others and kindness to the child.

In other words, our actions speak louder than words.

If you are consistently caring and compassionate, it's more likely that your children will be, too. Children watch their parents, and other adults, for clues on how to behave.

Keep in mind that if you say one thing and do another, your children will pay a lot more attention to what you do. The old warning 'Do as I say, not as I do' simply does not work, particularly when it comes to teaching about caring.

Try to surround your children with other people who are kind and caring, so that they have several role models.

If you treat your children with respect for their dignity, concern, and regard for their achievements, you help them understand that all living creatures should be treated with dignity and concern.

Parents understandably worry that their effort at home could be undermined by outside influences such as their children's friends, daily violence in their own neighborhoods, television shows and movies, or a culture that exalts 'heroes' who are selfish.

Here are a few things that you can do to help counteract these influences:
- Give them books that promote compassionate behavior. Keep in mind, though, that kids -- especially teenagers -- don't like characters who are 'goody-two-shoes,' so look for books about ordinary characters who perform acts of caring and concern.
- A study at the National Institute of Mental Health found that children who tend to imitate behavior they see on television. For this reason, you may want to limit their viewing of violent programs and encourage them to watch shows that promote ideas about caring and helping.
- Find out about the movies your children want to see. Are they excessively violent? Do they glamorize criminals or people who get ahead at the expense of others? Do they glorify violence to people or animals? You can't shield your children from everything, but a little discussion can go a long way. Ask them to think about what they saw and to consider other approaches the characters might have taken.
- Educate your children about famous altruists. Local museums can provide an inexpensive and enjoyable way to do this, as can television specials and books. Talk to them and find out who they admire, and why.

Another thing you can do is try to find organized ways for your children to get involved. Let them know about places in the community where they can volunteer, and encourage them to join. Many volunteer organizations and churches have special programs for young people and even for children.

Some parents whose children are confronted with the harsher realities in everyday life may wonder whether it's a good idea to let them see even more suffering and distress. Other parents may worry that exposing kids to a harder side of life than they've seen before could traumatize the children.

These are understandable concerns, and according to some experts, there are cases where children have become overly sensitive to the suffering of others. This is particularly true of children who are already emotionally fragile. Not all giving is healthy for the giver; if a child starts placing the needs of others above his own, this could be a sign that perhaps he or she is giving too much.

What most inspires a child to grow up caring about others is the caring that the child receives. That nurturing is itself a perfect role model for children. Experts point out that when children feel they have a secure base at home, they're more likely to venture out and pay attention to others. It's when they feel deprived of love and nurturing that they focus too much on themselves and their own needs.

Interesting Article on The Victim Identity Movement

2009-08-05T10:23:00.000-07:00

Never lose the ability to have compassion for others, no matter who you are, nor what you have been through...

The Line between Victims and Abusers
By Steven Stosny (of whom I am a HUGE fan of already...)

Victim identity is focus on damages suffered at the hands of other people. The desire to be identified as a victim creates a sense of entitlement and a motive to devalue anyone who does not offer special recognition and validation of victim status or compensation for it.

In our Age of Entitlement, it is often difficult for friends and therapists to detect abuse in intimate relationships and to discern who the primary abuser is. This is especially hard in cases of emotional abuse, with no objective evidence like police reports or medical records. The following characteristics of primary abusers and victims are not fool-proof, but I have found them to be highly reliable, based on the dramatic change of attitudes by the end of treatment.
Research and clinical experience clearly indicates that abusers are likely to:

• Underreport, hide, minimize, or justify their abusive behavior
• Describe themselves as victims
• Feel abused when their partners disagree with them or don't do what they want
• Label their partners' behavior as abusive
• Attribute malevolent intent to their partners' positive behavior (manipulative, deceptive)
• Pathologize their partners (emotional or personality disorder, incompetence)
• Use negative labels (nag, irrational, hysterical, lazy, unreliable)
• Have great difficulty describing their partners' perspectives
• Show little or no compassion
• Exhibit self-righteousness

Research and clinical evidence traditionally has shown that victims were likely to: • Underreport or hide their partners' abusive behavior• Not label obviously abusive behavior as abuse• Blame themselves in part for the abuse they reveal• Make excuses for the abuser's behavior• Bend over backwards to see the abuser's perspective• Describe the abuser at least partially in sympathetic terms • Exhibit self-doubt

How the line got blurred: Emotional Reactivity and the Victim Identity Movement -
Abuse victims, like anyone in relationships with high emotional reactivity, build automatic defense systems, which include preemptive strikes - if you expect to be criticized, stonewalled, or demeaned, you may well do it first. Victims can easily develop a reactive narcissism that makes seem like abusers.

But emotional reactivity between intimate partners, although more frequent in the Age of Entitlement, is a small part of the story. A more potent variable in blurring the line between victim and abuser is the reactivity of a social movement. The victim protection movement began as a noble attempt to counteract the most insidious aspect of the abusive dynamic - blaming the victim, which has the effect of making the victim feel ashamed of being abused. But as is the case with all effective social movements, the pendulum has swung too far the other way. We now have a victim identity movement, fueled by an industry of self-help authors and advocates, that has conferred a certain status to being a victim and thereby blurred the line between victims and abusers.

For example, in the beginning of my career, I saw many male abuse victims who would become angry and verbally aggressive at the suggestion that their partners abused them. Now obvious victims, along with those who are not victims but who have identified with descriptions in self-help books, become angry and aggressive if they are not recognized as victims.

The primary mistake with victims is urging them to think and sound like abusers. Due to the victim identity movement, some genuine victims will now:
• Describe their partners as abusive• Minimize or justifying their own aggressive behavior• Dismiss their partners' perspective• Attribute malevolent intent to their partners' positive behavior• Use negative labels (selfish, controlling, pig)• Pathologize their partners• Exhibit self-righteousness• Show no compassion

The primary mistake with abusers is to reinforce their victim-identity by:
• Emphasizing childhood or other experiences in which they were mistreated
• Validating their resentment and anger as "appropriate," which validates the distorted perspectives that go with anger and resentment
• Reinforcing their sense of entitlement - they should be respected, which, to them, means their partners must submit
• Confronting them in shame-inducing ways, before they learn to regulate shame with compassion

Successful Treatment and Friendly Support of Victims - No treatment or support of victims can be successful by urging them to disown their compassionate nature and think more like abusers. Rather, treatment should attempt to build on their strengths, i.e., expand the good things about their nature in a way that ensures safety and growth. A deeper level compassion helps them see the damage an abuser does to the self by harming loved ones. Then they can leave compassionately, for the abuser's own good. This is a far more empowering stance that will feel more authentic, avoid residual bitterness that adversely affects parenting, and be less likely to stir revenge from an abuser who feels humiliated by separation. And it will not create a pendulum of pain, in which victims leave out of anger and resentment only to return out of guilt and shame.

Successful Treatment and Friendly Support of Abusers - Abusers must access the natural state of compassion they first experienced as very young children and relived when they were falling in love. Most will then recognize that they have fundamental values that are more important to them than their egos and that their egos were constructed in large part as defense against the shame of violating or losing touch with those values. Motivated by defense of ego, they violate their deepest values and devalue those they love. Motivated by their deepest values, their need to defend a fragile ego subsides, along with their need to control, criticize, dominate, and devalue others. (Boot camp post)

Notice that appeal to the deepest values of clients and friends makes the distinction between abusers and victims less important. A compassionate victim, knowing that the abuser cannot change without becoming more compassionate, will leave. An abuser who becomes more compassionate cannot continue to abuse.

Source URL: http://www.psychologytoday.com/node/4719

I also highly recommend the following article regarding the self-destruction behind having a victim-identity outlook... Emotional Abuse (Overcoming Victim Identity)

Be The Change That You Want To See

2009-08-04T16:05:00.001-07:00

“When we are no longer to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves…” ~ Victor Frankl

Making Meaning: Be the Change
This week I spent time reflecting on change; thinking about efforts to make change outside of myself and how these efforts have influenced change within myself. Outer and inner change is not an easy process, comes with many challenges and for me, an increased commitment to make meaningful decisions. The above quote from Victor Frankl inspired me to create a mini-altered book focused on change and meaning, as well as to identify key principles that have been important in my growth and being the change I want to be.

Be the Change: Think and Energy- I have learned about giving more thought to what I put my energy towards,what supports my authentic , and my intentions. What opportunities and experiences will best utilize my strengths, ideas, spirit, and dedication?

Be the Change: Relationships and Choices- The relationships I nurture and the decisions I make also influence my ability to make meaning and take a stand to be the change I want to be. Collaboration, choices, responsibility, and commitment all fall under these principles. We reap what we sow.

Be the Change: Meaning and Empower- These principles are most important to me and my path to purpose. How and where do I want to make meaning? Enstilling hope, trust, and having the courage to keep moving forward helps me create empowerment and resiliency.

Be the Change: Action and Truth- To create change within or outside ourselves requires action coming from a belief rooted in truth and vision.
I’m sure there will more art and thoughts around this topic on my end, as meaning and change are important to the work I do and my every day life experience. Until then, the video and song below by Kat Edmonson also captures many of the reflections mentioned in this posting, as well as adds new ones to think more about. How do you create meaning to be the change you want to be?

The Maliciously Missing, Jon Van Dyke

2009-08-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

Jon Van Dyke faked his own disappearance, leaving his family devastated, lost and forced to endure an aimless, constant state of the horrific unknown.

Officially a missing person, vast resources and tax payer's funds were spent trying to locate him. His wife, Maureen Reintjes, out of love for her husband and father of her girls, dedicated every waking moment possible to Finding Her Missing Husband.

Meanwhile, Van Dyke was just "hiding-out", eluding authorities, tormenting his family, concerned friends and countless volunteers who were all desperately looking for him, a Maliciously Missing Man.

When Jon faked his disappearance he committed the most selfish of actions imaginable. His family are the ones who suffered.

Maureen's life was now ridden with unrelenting anguish ... burdened with the finanacial nightmares left by a "missing husband" ... losing 2 homes ... she was left homeless ... this is just a peek at the hell of living in the unknown, Maureen's everday life for over 4 years.

Maureen's Heartwrenching Quest to Find Jon Van Dyke, Her Missing Husband

Maliciously Missing Awareness Group Network

Jon Van Dyke, A Maliciously Missing Man

Maliciously Missing Law (draft)

MEDIA COVERAGE OF THE MALICIOUSLY MISSING MAN, JON VAN DYKE
Diane Dimond's Coverage of The Maliciously Missing
The Maliciously Missing on Denny Griffin's TalkRadio Show
The Levi Page Show Highlights The Maliciously Missing
Burl Barer of In Cold Blog Looks Into Runaway Husbands as well as Jon Van Dyke
The Huffington Post
True Slant
Investigative Discovery

Poet Mourns Daughter's Murder

2009-07-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

On The Page, Poet Mourns Daughter's Murder

Audio for this story from Fresh Air from WHYY will be available at approx. 5:00 p.m. ET

Poet Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno's new collection of poems details the aftermath of her daughter's murder.Mat Krzesiczan/Alice James Books

July 29, 2009

Poet Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno's new collection of poems, Slamming Open the Door, documents the aftermath of the murder of her daughter Leidy Bonanno.

Leidy was found dead in her apartment in 2003, strangled with a telephone cord by an ex-boyfriend. She had recently graduated from nursing school.

Two of the book's poems have been nominated for a Pushcart Prize, and poet Sharon Olds calls the work "a gift of power, truth, rage, and beauty."

The New York Times writes of the unflinching collection: "Readers will have to step outside of a familiar, comforting tradition of poetic grief while reading this book. Here are not the solemn measures of Shelley and Tennyson."

Bonanno is a contributing editor of The American Poetry Review. She teaches English and creative writing in Pennsylvania.

Excerpt: 'Slamming Open The Door'

Courtesy of Alice James Books

Slamming Open The Door
By Kathleen Sheeder Bonanno
Paperback, 80 pages
Alice James Books
List Price: $15.95

Death Barged In

In his Russian greatcoat,
slamming open the door
with an unpardonable bang,
and he has been here ever since.

He changes everything,
rearranges the furniture,
his hand hovers
by the phone;
he will answer now, he says;
he will be the answer.

Tonight he sits down to dinner
at the head of the table
as we eat, mute;
later, he climbs into bed
between us.

Even as I sit here,
he stands behind me
clamping two
colossal hands on my shoulders
and bends down
and whispers to my neck:
From now on,
you write about me.

What People Give You

Long-faced irises. Mums.
Pink roses and white roses
and giant sunflowers,
and hundreds of daisies.

Fruit baskets with muscular pears,
and water crackers and tiny jams
and the steady march of casseroles.
And money,
people give money these days.

Cards, of course:
the Madonna, wise
and sad just for you,
Chinese cherry blossoms,
sunsets and moonscapes,
and dragonflies for transcendence.

People stand by your sink
and offer up their pain:
Did you know I lost a baby once,
or My eldest son was killed,
or My mother died two months ago.

People are good.
They file into your cartoon house
until it bows at the seams;
they give you every
blessed
thing,
everything,
except your daughter back.

Confessions

Don't pity me:
I was too lazy to walk
up the stairs
to tuck her in at night.

When I brushed her hair
I pulled hard
on purpose.

And always
the sharp,
plaintive edge
on the rim
of the spoon
of my giving.

Ant

An ant rears its front legs,
its rosary-bead parts
startling and black,
but I do not see it.

You name it.
I cannot see
what she can
not see.

The Unitarian Society of Germantown

The church is a big wooden boat,
Dave and I in a corner,
as the rain drops patter
then slash
through the dark outside.

Hold on tight,
says the kindly moon face
of the minister.

But we can smell our own sweat.
We roll our eyes and moan
and grapple for position.

One by one, the others
press their bodies against us,
until finally,
we tire and lean in
to their patient animal breath,
to wait it out together.

Ladybugs

We see them everywhere now.
Last month, a tiny baby one
more orange than red,
purposeful, crawling
on the wall
above my side of the bed.

Inside a domed reception hall
at a fund-raising supper,
in the middle
of our round table
sits a perfect dead one.

We eat our soup
until one of us spots it,
our spoons slowing.

My niece wraps it in a pink tissue,
as if it were a sequin dropped
from the sleeve of God,
and takes it home.

After the trial, a blizzard
of ladybugs on the courthouse steps,
more this week
than Berks County has seen in years.
At first we crunch them underfoot
until, horrified, we look down
and know what we do.

Hundreds of them,
shining orange and black,
the dead and the living together —
the living
on the backs of the dead.

Divorce & Parenting: Bashing Your Ex is Bad News for Your Children

2009-07-27T20:59:00.000-07:00

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

We all do it from time to time. Make a sarcastic comment about our ex, criticize something they did or didn’t do, gesture or grimace our faces when referring to our former spouse. When we do it in front of, near or within hearing distance of our children, we set ourselves up for a hornet’s nest of problems.

Sure, we all know this, but it’s easy to forget or let slide. It hurts our children when they hear one of their parents put down the other. This is so even if your child does not say anything about it. With rare exceptions, children innately feel they are part of both parents. They love them both even when that love isn’t returned to them in the same way.

When you put down their other parent your children are likely to interpret it as a put-down of part of them. When both parents are guilty of this behavior, it can create a sense of unworthiness and low self-esteem. “Something’s wrong with me” becomes the child’s unconscious belief.

I know it’s challenging some times not to criticize your ex, especially when you feel totally justified in doing so. Find a friend or therapist to vent to. Don’t do it around your children. And, whenever possible, find some good things to say about their other parent – or hold your tongue.

The lesson here is simple. Destructive comments about your ex can impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question how much they can trust you and your opinions – or trust themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives that they do not need … or deserve!

When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them – and not to or through the children. Don’t exploit a difficult relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by editorializing about him or her to the kids. It’s easy to slip – especially when your frustration level is mounting.

Listen to and monitor your comments to the children about their other parent.

• Are you hearing yourself say: “Sounds like you picked that up from your Dad/Mom.”

• Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it with “just like your father/mother.”

• Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you know making sure the kids get the negative judgment?

• Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your ex with, “Yeah, but …” and finish it with a downer?

• Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting the other parent or liking something in their home?

• Do you throw around biting statements like “If Mom/Dad really loved you …”

• Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a disagreement by saying “If you don’t like it here, then go live with your Mom/Dad?

It’s easy to fall into these behavior patterns – and they can effectively manipulate your children’s behavior – for the short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your personal relationship with the children you love and alienating their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come, especially as your children move into and through their teens.

As a parent you want to raise children with a healthy sense of self-worth. You want children who are trusting and trust-worthy ... who are open to creating loving relationships in their lives. It’s not divorce per se that emotionally scars children.

It’s how you, as a parent, model your behavior before, during and after your divorce. If you model maturity, dignity and integrity whenever challenges occur, that’s what your children will see and the path they will take in their own relationships. You can’t make life choices for them, but you sure can influence their choices and perceptions about the world when they are young and vulnerable!

Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being of your family. Don’t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks affect and harm your children. Keep a “conscious” diligence on your commentary and your ex is more likely to follow suit, as well. If he or she doesn’t, your kids will naturally pick up on the different energy and gravitate toward the parent taking the high road. Ultimately that parent will win their respect and admiration. Shouldn’t that be you?

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.

Author's Bio
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: childcentereddivorce.com

Source URL: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/Divorce_Parenting_Bashing_Your_Ex_is_Bad_News_for_Your_Children.html

Angie Loves Alice, A Daughter's Love for Her Mom

2009-07-25T11:28:00.000-07:00

SATURDAY, JULY 4, 2009

Mom, you are deeply missed

On November 14th 2002 my family got up that morning and did their normal routine in life..We all got ready for work and my mom Alice Donovan had the day off and was looking forward to her day of relaxation and rest before she had to start a new work week..

At noon mom decided to go to walmart to start her christmas shopping. She pulled in the Walmart parking lot at 2:39pm, parked in a parking spot but never made it into the store.She was ambushed by to young men with guns who forced her to drive away in her car with them..She spent three hours begging and pleading for her life. All her attempts to have her captives let her free failed..After raping her repeatedly and recieving a large chunk of money from her bank accounts they murdered her and left her body in a wooded area in Horry County South Carolina..

Both men were caught several days later and were put in to prision where they surely belonged. But they never told nor brought any law officials to the place where they discarded my mother..

Our family suffered the loss of my mother in different ways..It split our family apart into many different dynamics and the family fell apart. We sat through the trials of both of these men and heard the accounts of what they did to mom and the others over and over. We had to relive the nightmare over again and it seemed that no matter what we did to try to get on with our lives without her, we couldn't..She was still missing..Her body was out there somewhere. We could not except that. We were not at peace with that. For many years I often wondered if my mothers soul was at rest. Later I had to bring myself to believe that it did not matter where a person was placed in death, If they were going to spend their eternity with the higher power then their souls are at peace.
January 17th 2009 almost seven years later one of my mothers murderers decided to come forward and explain where they left my mother all these years with a map and pictures..A search was conducted and skeletal remains were found in that area he said she was..The memory gate lifted and my soul was flooded with all memories of my mother, good and bad and of the events that lead to her death..I relized on that day in January of 2009 standing on that dirt road as CSI came out of the field with brown bags which hopefully hold my mother, that I had been running and hiding from the truth..Not wanting to face the memories of my mother. The pain of losing her was so great and so painful that I thought it would be easier to forget her..And all I did was prolong the innevitable.

Now as I sit and wait for DNA to confirm that it is my mother's remains, my mind is flooded with thoughts of my mother. A woman with integrity, a woman with passion for life, a woman who saw the beauty in all things, a woman who loved like no other, a woman who I am honored to say is my mother.

A Place For Alice
For Alice Donovan, From Her Daughter, Angie

The mail-order bride industry exploits women

2009-07-25T11:10:00.000-07:00

Cash on Delivery

The mail-order bride industry exploits women.

By Mae Bunagan

“"Get ready for some serious fun,"” begins one advertisement. “"Choose from hundreds of beautiful, fascinating women. Go to nightclubs with ten women for every man. Meet women worldwide-from the Philippines to Brazil. Learn why mail order bride marriages are usually successful."

"Mail orderbrides and international introduction services: The real story, with objective reviews and descriptions, of ‘mail order bride' services-what to pay for and what not to pay for. How to get the most out of your dollar."” Sound appealing?

What do these two advertisements have in common? They attest to the increasing popularity of the mail-order bride industry, one of the most sexist and degrading businesses operating legally today. The term “mail-order bride” refers to a woman whom a man marries after paying to obtain her contact information from a company. Although the United Nations in 1950 passed the Convention for the Suppression of the Traffic in Persons and of the Exploitation of the Prostitution of Others, denouncing international trafficking of women for sexual services, the international law-enforcement community has paid little attention to the open trafficking of mail-order brides. While estimates on the number of companies in the mail-order bride business vary, in 2000, Kathryn A. Lloyd reported in the Northwestern Journal of International Law and Business that there were approximately 500 mail-order bride companies in the United States in 1995. A watchdog group for mail-order bride companies, called the World Association of Introduction Agencies, currently monitors 2,700 mail-order bride agencies located across the globe, from the United Kingdom to the Philippines. Still operating virtually unregulated, the modern mail-order bride industry has successfully grown into a multimillion-dollar business by exploiting the power disparities between men and women and between the rich and the poor.

EXPLOITATION, INC.

Starting a mail-order bride company is not hard. All it takes is a few foreign women, a computer, and basic knowledge of the Internet to begin this business of sexual exploitation. According to GABRIELA Network-a U.S.-based group that fights against the global trafficking of women and the sex industry through protests, speakers, and newsletters-mail-order bride companies are generally owned by men who have obtained wives through this industry. Some companies sell catalogues, which contain the women's photographs, measurements, and addresses. Men simply browse through these catalogs, pick the women they want to meet, and order their contact information. Other companies charge a set rate per contact, with averages ranging from five to ten dollars per address. Large orders may be entitled to a bulk-rate discount. While the sale of a woman's contact information is a significant source of revenue for the company, companies receive the most revenue from selling trips to the women's home countries. For an extra fee, mail-order bride companies also help their customers with the immigration process. In 1997, Business World estimated that clients pay approximately $6,000 to $10,000 for this assistance. Some agencies claim to serve as many as 15,000 clients per year.

An INS study by Robert J. Shocles of Indiana University on the mail-order bride industry estimates that it currently exploits between 100,000 and 150,000 women from various countries, particularly Southeast Asia and the former Soviet Union. More than 50 percent of these women are under the age of 25, and many are as young as 16. The women in the industry generally come from countries where educational and employment opportunities are hard to obtain. Lloyd reported that “poverty and gender roles in the Philippines are the typical forces that turn Filipinas to the mail-order bride industry.” Filipinas already have to deal with gender discrimination in the job market, and growing unemployment rates don't make conditions any better. Furthermore, gender roles in the Philippines place the burden of supporting a family on the shoulders of women. When women are forced to seek alternative means of making money, they often become overseas contract workers, prostitutes, or in a growing number of cases, mail-order brides.

Proponents of the industry claim that the women are not at a disadvantage in these transactions because they have willingly given their information to be placed in the catalogues: “There is no such thing as a ‘mail order bride' or ‘mail-order bride company!' In reality, it is the ladies who do the choosing by selecting which men they wish to respond back to.” However, even if women “voluntarily” enter these situations, they make the decision as a last resort out of the need for money and a better life-not only for themselves, but often for their family as well.

DANGEROUS RELATIONSHIPS

In his study, Shocles also found that the mail-order bride industry attracts a homogenous clientele: customers are generally white and much older than the women they seek. They are well educated, ideologically conservative, and economically successful. They say that they look for foreign wives because American women today are too career-oriented and lack “traditional values.” They want women who will stay home and care for their husband and children. In other words, men looking for women through this industry essentially want wives they can control. Lloyd affirms that these men feed on the “stereotypes of Asian women as subservient and docile.” The easiest way for these men to guarantee a marriage in which they have total control is to obtain a mail-order bride. The very fact that they pick their women through purchasing their contact information indicates that they are hungry for a sense of ownership.

In the United States, supporters of this industry argue that the government has no right to regulate how American citizens meet or select their spouses, denying that any significant differences exist between an international introduction service and national dating service. However, a difference does exist: dating services attempt to create relationships of equals, while the power dynamic in the mail-order bride industry strongly favors the men. Since the man is the paying customer, he can demand the information he wants about the women. Because of industry competition, companies readily provide the information the men demand. The female participants in this bargain, on the other hand, as impoverished women anxious to escape from desperate conditions, have essentially no power. In order to be chosen, women must provide the information that the men want. The companies verify all information provided by the women, going so far as to measure them carefully. They take no such care with would-be buyers. Men with criminal or abusive backgrounds elude any scrutiny, since the companies conveniently neglect to conduct background checks on the potential husbands. As Sumiko Hennessy, executive director of the Asian Pacific Development Center, argued, What you have are older men, people with three divorces, alcohol problems…some who have a his tory of domestic abuse or problems with the law.”

Although national figures on abuse in mail-order bride marriages do not exist, there is reason to believe that the incidence of abuse is high. American law enforcement officials agree that abuse in these marriages can be expected based on these men's need for control in their relationships. Many individual stories reinforce this claim. Sometimes the abuse ends in murder. One such tragedy occurred in March 1995. Timothy Blackwell originally met Susana Remerata after seeing her picture in a catalog called “Asian Encounters.” The two wrote to each other for a year, then met in the Philippines and got married. Soon after their wedding, Tim became abusive and tried to choke Susana on more than one occasion. Ultimately, Tim shot and killed his pregnant wife and two of her friends in the King County Courthouse in Seattle, Washington, as their divorce proceedings were about to begin. Another tragedy occurred in Seattle, this one in September 2000. A thirty-eight year old man named Ingle King, Jr. strangled his 20-year-old wife, Anastasia, to death. The Seattle Post-Intelligencer reported that in her diaries, Anastasia wrote that King withheld her college tuition, restricted her time with friends, sexually assaulted her, and threatened her with deportation or death if she tried to leave.

Despite incidents like these, mail-order bride companies proudly claim that marriages arranged through their services have a lower-than-average divorce rate. Perhaps so, but it is doubtful that all these marriages are happy. Indeed, it is likely that many of these marriages are unhappy, but the women are unable or afraid to escape because they do not have the resources to leave their husbands. American immigration law only complicates matter for mail-order brides. Under the Immigration Marriage Fraud Amendments (IMFA) of 1986, a US citizen must petition for “conditional resident status” for his or her foreign spouse. After two years, the couple may jointly petition the INS to adjust their status to that of permanent resident. These laws put mail-order brides at the mercy of their husbands by giving the men control over their wives' immigration status. Mail order brides often lack the language skills or knowledge about their new home to negotiate the immigration system or even to support themselves without their husband.

RULES, REGULATIONS, AND RISKS

Although the mail-order bride industry desperately needs regulation, the international community has, for the most part, turned a blind eye to the problem. For example, increasing concern over for the trafficking of Filipinas has led to restrictions on the recruitment of women from the Philippines. In 1989, the Philippine government passed a ban on advertising for “recruits.” In 1990, it banned the operation of sex tour and mail order bride agencies in the Philippines. In 1996, the Anti Mail-Order Bride Law further limited the agencies' recruitment methods. However, the state of the Philippine economy has allowed the industry to prosper. Informal recruiting practices have been able to circumvent the regulations. In some cases, women are fooled into thinking that they are being recruited as domestic workers. Once an agreement between the women and recruiters are made, it is difficult to turn back. On the other hand, nations such as the United States have concentrated on the immigration consequences of the mail-order bride traffic. American authorities focus primarily on identifying fraudulent marriages and threatening brides with deportation.

Ideally, countries around the world would outlaw this industry and make participation in it a crime. In reality, however, such laws might only create a black market for mail-order brides. Alternative solutions might not eliminate the mail-order bride industry but can perhaps address its most pressing problems. In an attempt to protect women from serial abusers, companies should be required to conduct background checks of potential husbands. Mail-order brides should be informed of their rights to report domestic abuse and provided with names and contact information of advocacy groups-such as the Legal Aid for Abused Women and Children and the National Coalitions Against the Trafficking of Women-that can help women in abusive marriages. Finally, governments should hold mail-order bride companies accountable for the marriages that they engineer. Currently, mail-order bride companies stop communication with the customer and the bride once they are married. Instead, these companies should be required to provide support services to help women adjust to their new countries or protection if they are abused. The companies can pay for language classes, help women develop marketable skills, and provide a shelter to which they can turn to if they are abused.

Even the strictest regulations, however, fail to address the fundamental problem of the mail-order bride industry. It is a form of sexual exploitation that is no different from prostitution. In fact, it may even be worse than prostitution because the marriage contract and immigration laws give it a more permanent nature. Impoverished women surrender their lives and sexuality because they hope to obtain economic security-but their dreams for a better life often turn into the cruelest nightmares.

Questions? Comments? Please contact perspy@hcs.harvard.edu

What's A Little Rain?

2009-07-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that
I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You

Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings
You glory And I know there'll
be days When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to
praise You Jesus, bring the rain

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may
loom above because you are much greater than
my pain you who made a way for me suffering
your destiny so tell me whats a little rain

[1st Chorus]

Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
is the lord God almighty
is the lord God almighty
I'm forever singing

[2nd Chorus 2x]

everybody singing
Holy holy holy
you are holy
you are holy

[2nd Chorus 2x]

Learning To Trust Again: Intimate Partner Violence

2009-07-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

Although statistics vary, over a life time, over twenty percent of women may suffer an Intimate partner violence (IPV) episode. IPV survivors can view their abuse as a breach of trust, isolating them from society and leaving them with an incredibly sense of loneliness.

IPV survivors also have a higher rate of physical and mental health problems with an increase in depression, PTSD, drug abuse and poor health. Dr Christina Nicolaidis talked about her study, to Hamish Holewa, for IPP-SHR podcasts.

Christina's study focused on how IPV survivors want their health providers to talk about the rest of their health, and on what IPV survivors thought about the connection between abuse and mental/physical health symptoms. It was found that women who are IPV survivors are very aware that the abuse is related to mental and physical symptoms, but they wanted the providers to holistically understand their symptoms and not dismiss symptoms purely because they are IPV survivors.

Trusting health professionals to view their symptom holistically was a large concern, women felt unsure of disclosing information: the more the providers knew, the more chance they could use it against them, making the women feel their symptoms were all in their head.

Respect from a health provider towards the women was seen as very important: women wanted respect towards their whole selves. Health providers need to be very sensitive about these issues: an appropriate preface is required before the discussion of violence can begin.

Visit Podcast page with transcription and additional details

Listen to Podcast

Grow Up Already

2009-07-16T21:29:00.000-07:00

How to Stop Acting Like Such a Big Baby

Photo courtesy of tostadophoto.

“Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.” —Dale Carnegie

Article by Zen Habits contributor Jonathan Mead; follow him on twitter.

If we really want to be happy, why do we act like such babies?

We can claim to be proactive in our life by settings goals and going after what we want. But if we’re always whining and complaining all the time, are we really living effectively?

If you don’t believe me, count how many times you complain about something or other in one day. Whether it be being stuck in traffic, being bothered by the weather, not enough mustard on your sandwich, or whatever it is, there are endless instances where you can find a reason to complain.

But it’s not just outside circumstances that we complain about. We complain about about ourselves too. We complain that we don’t have enough time, we don’t have enough money (this one is huge because it’s often “true”), that we’re not smart enough, cool enough, or just enough.

I know I’ve experienced plenty of unpleasantness due to complaining about things I can’t control. I never really thought about it much until I found this website about “living in a complain free world.”

Imagine how much happier you would be if you simply stopped complaining? Much of what you complain about is outside of your control anyway. What’s the point of brooding about something you have no power to change? Not very intelligent, if you ask me.

Simply becoming conscious of how much you complain is the first step to stopping. When you recognize that you’re complaining, stop and take notice of it. Ask yourself if you would rather complain, or be happy.

Are you ready to live a complaint-free, happier life?

The two steps to stop whining so much:

Make it a priority to notice every time you complain or unnecessarily criticize. This includes judging others. Now, every time you catch yourself complaining, just stop and notice it.
After you’ve noticed yourself complaining, ask yourself this: Is there anything I can do about what I’m complaining about, or it outside of my control? If there is something you can do about it, do it. If there is nothing you can do, let it go.

Obviously, this is a little easier said than done. Complaining is an addiction and a hard habit to break. Like any other habit to break, it will take time.

Even though it may be a long time (or possibly never) before you’re living completely complaint-free, that’s still okay. The good news is this isn’t all-or-nothing. Even 10% less complaining will have an immediate positive impact on your life. Then, once you’ve decreased your whining by 10%, you can keep bootstrapping your way down to complaining less and less.

After complaints show up less and less, something awesome starts to happen. Once your mind realizes that you won’t tolerate its moaning, it will begin to give up its efforts. (Whatever you do, don’t fall into the trap of complaining that you’re complaining.)

So the question is: Would you rather complain or be happy?

(Oh and by the way, having gratitude is a great way to stop complaining.)

This article was written by Zen Habits contributor Jonathan Mead of Illuminated Mind. For more ways to stop whining so much, grab a copy of Reclaim Your Dreams.

Make us a light for the blind, a song for the deaf, a hope for the lost and the lonely

2009-07-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

Prayer for Strength and Courage

Dear God,

You are the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. It is safe to place my heart in your hands. In a restless and troubled world, you are a realm of peace and comfort. In a sea of doubts, you are the certainty. In an ocean of darkness, you are the light. Guide us through the night. Your mercy is endless. Your grace is eternal. Your love has no boundaries. Without you, we would be lost and alone. With you, we are saved and loved, we have a purpose and a meaning. Teach us to love and to forgive, the way you love and forgive us. Teach us to find our joy in you. Teach us to find our strength in your name. Make us a candle for others' steps, so that they can see where they are going and do not stumble on the way.

Make us a light for the blind, a song for the deaf, a hope for the lost and the lonely. Make our lives and our beings part of your divine plan. Give us the strength to see beyond this “here” and “now”. Open our eyes, so that we can see your love in everything. Open our ears, so that we can hear your voice in everything. Teach us to be strong in times of weakness. To carry forward the message of faith, hope and love.

When our heart is breaking, touch it with your healing touch and make it whole again. You can turn wrong into right and darkness into light. You can make us strong by the very things that make us weak. Change our hearts. Let us be messengers of your love here on Earth. Where there is bitterness, pour your sweet love, where there is illness and death, pour your living water. Where there is despair, pour your hope.

Give us the passion and the courage of the first Christians. Give us the power you gave to your apostles. Teach us to say the right word at the right time, to choose the right thing every time we have to make a choice. There are so many times when we feel like prisoners in our own bodies, in a world that defies our understanding. Teach us that there is more than eyes can see, that the truth is comforting and redeeming. Set us free by your truth. Let our heart see your glory, so that we can never feel like prisoners again.

For you have the power to build up hearts and minds, to restore and to heal. Glorified be your name forever and ever.

AMEN

Why are at least half of us selecting the wrong partners?

2009-07-15T16:08:00.000-07:00

By Paul Mauchline

I am not an anti-divorce advocate. Divorce is necessary in cases of physical or mental abuse, or in the case of two people who are so incompatible that they never should have been together in the first place. Certainly, if your partner is mentally or physically abusive to you or your children -- or if he or she exhibits any signs of violent behavior -- you cannot ignore these signs. You are putting yourself, and possibly others, in serious jeopardy. Divorce in such cases is merited.

However, considering the alarming divorce statistics worldwide and the growth and economic success of the divorce industry, I have to question whether we seriously consider the question -- "Are you the one for me?" -- before marriage. In my opinion, if relationships are failing at such an alarming rate, why did these people get together in the first place? I have heard many excuses for why relationships fail: "he/she has changed since we met"; "we just grew apart"; "the love just disappeared from the relationship; "we weren't compatible"; "financial troubles got in our way"; "we weren't communicating anymore"; "he/she was unfaithful and cheated on me." To me, the reasons are not important. The real issue is why two people meet, date, court one another, commit to a relationship, purchase a home, have children, get into debt together, and then decide, "You are not the one for me." Whether you have lived together for two years or twenty years, such a decision has repercussions not only for the two individuals who are splitting up, but also for children, friends, and family as well.

Why are we failing, today, in recognizing what we want as individuals, and what we want and need from our relationships? Now, the sixty-four dollar question: why are at least half of us selecting the wrong partners? I do not feel that we are honestly examining the question "are you the one for me?" as much as we may think we are. Relationships are a big part of life for most of us. It is part of our human existence that we choose a mate, share love and intimacy, provide comfort and security for one another, and, in many cases, have and nurture children together. Since intimate, loving relationships are so important to us, many of us are willing to make great sacrifices in order to have a relationship. When we finally meet that potential partner who pushes most of the right buttons, we feel a sense of relief that our search is now over. We are thrilled to have found a partner, a person with whom to have a relationship and share our life. Sometimes, though, we fool ourselves in the initial euphoria of love: we are not honest with ourselves about the things that bother us about our partner. We hope that these things simply will go away. We might ignore upsetting issues and allow them to pass without challenging them, or avoid topics of discussion that could lead to disagreements. We may tell ourselves that the things that bother us about our partner are not very important or that we are being too picky. We may be hesitant about asking questions of our partner that may reveal potential problems for the relationship. We need to make compromises in relationships, but we should not sacrifice our personal dreams and goals for them. By ignoring potential problems, we abandon ourselves for the sake of the relationship.

Many of the warning signs of incompatibility or potential conflict between two partners are present from the beginning of the relationship. The problem lies in recognizing these challenges and addressing them early on in the relationship, before they become irreconcilable differences. If important issues are irreconcilable from the start, it is a good indication that the relationship will not succeed. Each of us is a unique person, with individual qualities, needs, strengths, and imperfections. In relationships with others, two unique individuals come together, and try to live in harmony with one another. Each person's qualities interact with the other's to set the mood or tone of the relationship. It is the cumulative effect of many attributes in another that make us feel safe and comfortable in a relationship. Many of us fall in love with one aspect or very few aspects of our partners, and try to downplay the other aspects that make us unhappy. Often this gets us into trouble. If we spend our time and energy trying to reassure ourselves that the problems with our partner do not exist, we may be ignoring the issues that will slowly, cumulatively destroy the relationship.

Why do we choose to ignore these problems? Why do we insist on having a relationship when we know deep down inside that this person is not the one? Why do we choose to set ourselves up for emotional hurt? There are many answers to these questions, but fear is probably the greatest motivating factor for these choices. We fear being unable to find somebody with whom to share our life. We fear living alone. We fear being the last of our friends to be in a committed relationship. We fear the financial hardships of doing it alone in a society of two-income households. We fear growing old and dying alone.

Decorating for domestic violence

2009-07-14T15:26:00.000-07:00

Decorating for domestic violence

HAYS, Kansas – A former Hays resident has made a name for herself as an interior designer and this week she’s sharing her talents to help a worthy cause.

Caroline Von Lintel knows a thing or two about decorating a space to make it warm and welcoming. A few years ago, she decided to begin using her talents to help domestic violence shelters. To date she’s worked to refurbish and redesign five of them and now her focus is on a shelter in Hays.

“I was actually living here at a time when I had two small children, and I was sort of in a situation that the county really helped me,” said Caroline Von Lintel, with DV-8 Designs. “And I always thought if I ever get the chance to come back, I'm coming back.”

The Northwest Kansas Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Center serves 18 northwest Kansas counties and around 550 families a year. KSN can’t show the actual shelter, but those who work there say it's in need of serious repair.

“It's not that it's really bad now, it's just that it needs that fresh uplift,” said Charlotte Linsner, the shelter’s executive director. “Some of the rooms haven't really been touched for about 15 years you know.”

So this week Caroline is offering up design consultations at the Hays Ashley Furniture Store for clients who donate $25 to the Northwest Kansas Center for Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault. Ashley Furniture is pitching in with furniture donations – all of which will help spruce up the center.

“We're just going to take it inch by inch and add some color and change out the furniture and the flooring and the paint and the window coverings,” Caroline said.

Caroline hopes to begin working at the shelter in July, giving some much needed TLC to help families feel at home during the difficult time in their lives.

The Hays shelter is also hoping to add a resource center to its facility with computers for families to use.

If you would like to donate to help the project, call 785- 625-3055.

Students Design an Artistic Abuse Awareness Approach

2009-07-14T15:17:00.000-07:00

Chairity: Students’ designs raise awareness of domestic violence

By:

Adam Sneed

Published On:

Thursday, November 6, 2008

ASU interior design students have built chairs to take a stand against domestic violence.

Seniors in a work-environments design studio designed chairs as part of a project with the Phoenix Family Advocacy Center, which helps victims of domestic abuse. The chairs will be displayed in this week’s First Fridays art walk downtown and will go to a charity auction in mid-November.

Josie Urban, Jodie Smith and Jenny Kern won a scholarship from the International Interior Design Association for their chair, which resembles a bus stop and draws inspiration from graphic artist Barbara Kruger. Kruger’s work contains industrial, mass-produced images with statements set on top of the pictures. The bus-stop chair was designed to emphasize the industrial aspect of Kruger’s work.

“It seemed really daunting at first,” Urban said. “There was an infinite number of [design] possibilities.”

The 31 students involved in the project formed groups to design 11 chairs over five weeks. Each group chose an artist as inspiration and set out to build a chair.

They spent two weeks designing a proposal, one building a scale model and two more building the actual chair. Students could spend no more than $100 on their design and had to get items or services donated from local companies.

“It was a good way to get the community involved,” Urban said. “People were really generous.”

At the beginning of the semester, an employee of the Family Advocacy Center brought a victim of domestic abuse to speak with students about the cause.

Smith, a designer of the bus-stop chair, said the speakers put a personal and emotional face on the organization.

“[The project is] to understand what they’re about and promote their mission in various ways,” Smith said. “People don’t know about it. That was really inspirational.”

Interior design senior Stephanie Fanger worked with her group to build a chair inspired by New York graffiti artist Lady Pink.

“Since she’s a graffiti artist, we thought she would reflect the violence,” Fanger said.

The forms used in the chair were fluid and colorful, representing the motions used to spray paint graffiti on a wall.

“This is the most emotionally and physically draining project,” Fanger said.

Working on the project from conception to construction was an experience that encompassed all aspects of design.

“I learned how to design quickly and on a budget,” she said. “Once you build a full-scale model, you realize the constraints.”

Faculty associate Bill Furman is a design instructor who helped students through the design process.

He said the most interesting aspect of the project is seeing how students incorporate the inspiration of artists and domestic violence into their chairs.

One group chose a philosopher as their artistic inspiration, which presented an unusual challenge, Furman said.

“They had to come up with their own visual of the philosophy, which previously had no visual representation,” he said. “It’s really interesting what they do with their ideas.”

The chairs will be auctioned off at the Phoenix Art Museum on Nov. 19. The CHAIRity Benefit Dinner brought in about $16,000 last year for the Phoenix Family Advocacy Center.

“The underlying theme here is to talk about domestic violence,” Furman said. “[The project] brings awareness to that issue.”

Reach the reporter at adam.sneed@asu.edu

“He would never just leave me,” Maureen thought...

2009-07-13T08:26:00.000-07:00

The Maliciously Missing

by DIANE on JULY 13, 2009

Then there is the group of missing people who aren’t really missing at all. They are hiding. They’re called the“maliciously missing” by a woman who knows the subject all too well. Her name is Maureen Reintjes and on May 19, 2005 she kissed goodbye her husband of 24 years at their new home in Las Vegas, Nevada and he disappeared. No warning, no reason, he was just gone. Jon Van Dyke, a retired Marine master sergeant knew about responsibility, he seemed happy with their new life and

Jon Van Dyke Disappeared - Voluntarily

his new job at the CitiGroup Command Center. They’d worked hard getting their home in shape for a pending family reunion. “He would never just leave me,” Maureen thought.

LINK to Entire Article

Also see...Maliciously Missing Law (draft)

The Dangerous Custody Game of Show and Tell

2009-07-08T14:59:00.000-07:00

Susan Murphy Milano's Journal: The Dangerous Custody Game of Show and Tell

Janet did not consider the children and the potential battle ahead with visitation, safety and custody. Her former husband did not have much interaction with the children, until now, when the game of show and tell is important for the court appointed mental health evaluator and the children’s guardian ad litem to see the loving yet, dangerous father.

Now her husband views himself as an excellent father per the number of support letters sent in to the mental health evaluator by his employer, friends and relatives.

Janet scratches her head in disbelief asking why strangers, most of whom she or the children has never met. are sending letters on behalf of her husband’s parenting skills. Letters from people who have only seen a photo of the boys on a desk in a squad room or as it accidently fell out of his wallet at a bar while reaching for cash.

“Suddenly this dangerous man whom I am trying to break away from desires and is fighting,” says Janet, for 50/50 custody including being involved in every decision from after school activities to driving the kids to sleepovers. Janet, like so many other women, is discovering this is not a good thing for she or the kids.

Silently, when only she can hear, he leans into her neck and whispers "remember, tell death do us part baby, wise up or the only visits you will receive is the flowers on your tombstone."

Please join us at Peace4 the Missing
Missing Persons Awareness and Support Network
http://peace4missing.ning.com

Cyber Abuse: How to Clean Up Your Internet Reputation

2009-07-07T15:38:00.000-07:00

People Who Have Googled Their Name Have Gotten a Big Surprise!

The growing trend of blogging and free speech on the Internet brings with it a new brand of reputation bashing. It is called "cyber abuse". Cyber abuse is the unethical and relentless bashing of an individual's or companie's reputation on the Internet. The new age of the Internet has made it eerily simple for a disgruntled customer or worse, a ruthless business foe or personal enemy to ruin a reputation online. These cyber abusers use tactics such as blogging and posting negative comments in social network sites to bring down the Internet reputation of their cyber target. In years past there has been very little that the average citizen on the web could do to combat cyber abuse.

Recently an entire industry has been developed solely for the purpose of correcting cyber abuse issues. This industry is becoming more popular due to the growing importance of a positive Internet reputation. When the cyber abuse gets to the point that the individual or company is suffering losses they can reach out to an Internet reputation specialist. An Internet reputation specialist will take action to clean up the cyber abuse, such as developing new blogs and Internet websites that place the consumer in a neutral or positive light. The reputation specialist will set these websites up in a way that they will always come up in the top 10 results on Google or other search engines, usually they will be strong enough to cover the top 20 search results.

Most Internet consumers will not look past the first two pages of search engine results. These Internet reputation specialists will also use other tactics such as social bookmarking sites and user generated content sites to enhance your reputation online.

One particular success story for this new industry involved a company in the Washington D.C. area that had been experiencing cyber abuse for more than two years. This company had a cyber abuse blogger whose page continuously showed up in the top results on many search engines including Google. They were losing business but didn't know what to do. They finally came to one of these Internet reputation specialists and in short time they were receiving more online business and the cyber abuse blogger's page had been moved out of the first 20 results when the name was Googled.

Since these Internet reputation specialists are acting like personal publicists this new industry is not cheap to utilize. It can cost between five and ten thousand dollars a month to patrol and clean up an Internet reputation but cyber abuse can be extremely detrimental to a company in this Internet friendly society so for many companies this is well worth the price. It is important to note that it may take anywhere from a few months to a year to completely clean up an Internet reputation.

More resources

http://www.cyberjournalist.net/news/003674.php

Kudos to Kansas

2009-07-04T10:13:00.000-07:00

Advocates working to reduce domestic violence kicked off a public awareness campaign on Wednesday, hoping to get everyday Kansans to help stop abuse.

“There’s something that everyone can do to make a difference -- something as simple as knowing the Kansas Crisis Hotline number, 888-END ABUSE,” said Joyce Grover, general counsel with the Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence.

The coalition and Governor’s Domestic Fatality Review Board started a “Believe It. Help Change It” campaign that includes radio and television public service announcements, newspaper and online ads, and a Web site, www.HelpChangeKansas.com, which features information on domestic violence and resources for victims.

About the Campaign
Believe It. Help Change It. is a statewide media campaign designed to reduce domestic violence in Kansas and increase victims’ access to support and services.

:30 Radio PSAs
Three radio spots were produced, two in English and one in Spanish. Download the spots below.

Behind Closed Doors...

Isolation...

Nuestra Casa...

The campaign is sponsored by the Kansas Governor's Domestic Violence Fatality Review Board, in cooperation with the Kansas Coalition Against Sexual and Domestic Violence.

Questions?
Melissa DeDonder, communications coordinator
Kansas Coalition Against Sexual & Domestic Violence
mdedonder@kcsdv.org
(785) 232-9784

Happy 4th of July!

2009-07-04T08:39:00.000-07:00

Lazurus' sonnet to the Statue of Liberty

Give me your tired, your poor

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free;

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me-

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!

Just as Lazarus' poem gave new meaning to the statue, the statue emitted a new ideal for the United States. Liberty did not only mean freedom from the aristocracy of Britain that led the American colonists to the Revolutionary War. Liberty also meant freedom to come to the United States and create a new life without religious and ethnic persecution. Through Larazus' poem, the Statue of Liberty gained a new name: She would now become the "Mother of Exiles," torch in hand to lead her new children to American success and happiness.

"The New Colossus" (1883)

Finally speaking out about "he" to both no one and everyone

2009-07-03T15:40:00.000-07:00

He is a bully, in every sense of the word, a psychologically damaging monster, I could go on...but, it would not matter, because apparently even though he has not done one damn thing yet to establish himself as a compassionate, concerned, involved, healthy parent he still continues to be coddled by the very system my girls and I most need to finally assist in our protection from the ongoing abuse we have endured for years.

I feel like a ton of effort has been and continues to be put into making sure he and all his continued sewage of bullshit is heard, however meanwhile, I am the one being the parent, running the home, taking care of every single thing concerning this house and our children...I am always at home with my girls, scraping by, overloaded by hateful, vindictive "he-ism" amidst losing my DAD, my girls and my PROTECTOR from he himself...and throughout it all he continues to abuse us...continuously, it never ceases...

Honestly, I truly DO now know why I stayed in an abusive relationship for as long as I did...people all say how wrong and nonsensical it is to stay with an abuser for your children...however, knowing and experiencing what I have been and am now...all I know now is...had I known how little the system would give a damn about my girls and I then...

I would have never pressed for he to leave...at least when we were still together, I could be there, be a buffer between his rage and my babies and somewhat protect them. But now...they are abused more and protected less...while the "system" works towards "helping" his now "even worse and more destructive" self accomplish everything that he always threatened he'd achieve.

My utmost role in life is to be the best damn Mother I can be for my girls...my main prayer is that their Father might embrace his role in their lives as well and step-up to be the kind of parent they need and deserve...but, until that day, and until if and when it comes...I will protect them, but I need your help to do so.

Please believe me, my girls and my very lives count on you fighting on our behalf.

I just want to know what I CAN do, I'll do it...we are not a statistic of what usually occurs, these are my children, I promised my own Dad months ago, on his deathbed, that I would protect his cherished little girls and that is what I intend to do.

Abuse is a problem with the abuser, not a problem in the relationship.

2009-07-03T14:55:00.000-07:00

I've had bizarre outcomes and perceptions from a few sessions of "couples counseling" thrown in my face for years from my abuser...the things HE took away from our experience have been greatly beneficial to him to further degrade me and justify his abuse.

Now, I'm wondering...how different is divorce mediation from couples counseling? And should I be subjecting myself to it?

The mediation or dispute resolution program that cares about justice, fairness and safety will carefully avoid mediating any issue between parties where domestic violence has been perpetrated. Any remaining questions may be addressed to your state coalition against domestic violence; many have position papers and other materials available on this issue, and many train court administrators and dispute resolution administrators to identify and respond safely and appropriately to domestic violence.
http://www.biscmi.org/documents/MEDIATION_AND_DOMESTIC_VIOLENCE.html

2009-07-03T14:41:00.000-07:00

Michigan Resources for DOMESTIC VIOLENCE / SEXUAL ASSAULT

Battered Women's Justice Project
2104 4th Ave South, Suite B
Minneapolis, MN 55404
Toll-Free: (800) 903-0111, ext 1
E-mail: BWJP

Dru Sjodin National Sex Offender Public Website
US Department of Justice

Family Violence Prevention Fund
383 Rhode Island St, Suite 304
San Francisco, CA 94103-5133 Phone: (415) 252-8900
Phone: (800) 313-1310
Fax: (415) 252-8991

Michigan Coalition Against Domestic & Sexual Violence
3893 Okemos Rd, Suite B2
Okemos, MI 48864
Phone: (517) 347-7000
Fax: (517) 347-1377

Was I Really That Bad?

2009-07-02T23:17:00.000-07:00

you said...
You Talk Too Damn Much
You Make An Ass Of Yourself

i chose...
to go out less often
be afraid of the phone

you said...
You're F-ing Crazy
You'll Never Be Fixed

i chose...
to give up on counseling
just become numb

you said...
You're So Damn Boring
You Dull Me Away

i chose...
to keep the blinds closed
in the middle of the day

you said...
You're The Real Problem
You're An Evil Bitch

i chose...
to shut down my feelings
claim your guilt trips

you said...
I've Had IT
It's Over
I Can't Stand Your Sight

i chose...
to pick myself up
i'm too tired to fight

by Sara Huizenga Lubbers

Perfectly Imperfect Mosaic Me

2009-07-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

Once Upon A Time…there was a Little Me…So innocent, so fragile…so pure…

Perfectly created, perfectly shiny…perfectly new…

Perfect neat or naughty…perfect messy, perfect happily just being me…

Such a free litle girl who danced through her life, giggling without reason, loving

without hesitation, trusting without any reason not to…perfectly loved in an unconditional

way…perfectly safe, perfectly protected from what someday would come my way.

Free to imagine how great I’d become, to daydream almost always, to be scared of the night and terrified of forever…free to be silly, free to spill my milk, to sometimes be flighty, usually messy and often late…a fragile piece of blown clear glass with nothing to hide, nor to hide from…free to be perfectly imperfect me.

One day older plus many days more…my perfect, some older. fragile glass self was gentley taken off my safe shelf.

And my happy go lucky, ignorant youth, happily skipped into a far from perfect, fallen world.

So I got chipped a little, scratched a lot, but polished up quickly without too much harm due…until…there was you.

Did you notice my beauty then, the first time we met? How truly transparent I was? I had nothing to hide then nor anything yet built up on me to hide it with…do you remember how pristine the glass was before the first time you touched me?

And…I can’t help but wonder…did a part of you ever pause before you put that first smudge on me? Did you not know then how ugly you’d find the dirty, cracked glass of your creation? Or had you always planned to break your promise to be ever so gentle with easily breakable, delicate me?

And the last time you left me, when right before you left…well, why didn’t you just leave? Why did you first have to find me…to hurt me again.

You grabbed me from that dusty shelf that I was hiding on, why did you hate me? You eagerly, almost with pleasure shook me and then you…you smashed me on the floor.

I used to wonder…what made you so mad at me? Whatever was it that made you not even want me enough to keep kicking me around? Of course then I remember, the word that I said, to bring on even greater rage from you…you really don’t like it all, do you?…When someone says ‘STOP’ to you…

So you threw me and I violently crashed…I exploded, I shattered…you decided to put an end to my story that day. The delicate work of clear blown glass, the little me I once was…now just a million different pieces of sharp and jagged glass, each one bleeding their own unique shade…right there, where you left me, upon the dirty floor.

Did you ever consider pausing before you quickly walked away? Did you ever think about cleaning up that mess that you had made?

But you don’t write my whole life’s story and it wasn’t your decision to say The End.

So the millions of pieces of shattered glass upon the floor each now displaying the millions of forever stained shades from the colors they bled before…they got up, they moved on, they live now, so damn much better than before.

Did you think that I’d just be swept up, quickly thrown away? Did you think that was the last of the once prized trophy you tried to destroy that day?

And now…if you could see me, how stunned you’d truly be, so taken aback by my intriquite beauty, by the better me, now me.

It’s really quite a miracle, it even surprises myself…to live my cherished presence, to love who I am today…because, well…there’s just so much more to me now, in part because you smashed me to the floor that day. Who would have thought, not you, I’m sure…the result of your destruction…would end up blooming into something greater than we could have ever imagined?

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy and it took more than just me…to create this breathtaking showpiece that you still most likely just haven’t the sight to see. I’ve finally come into myself, moreso of who God always intended me to be…only His Design could turn a million shattered pieces into a whole, complete…perfectly perfect me.

And now…when the light shines through me, the colors that I once bled…they reflect a million different shades of light…an irredescent mix of me, the reflection of how I choose to display the entirity of me.

Sometimes, this gift, this light…it shines outside of me, magically finding and seeking the darkened paths of those most in need. And I am so blessed to have this light, to be able to share it…the joy, the gift to do so…well, to you…I can’t explain, but…it gives back so much more, makes such an even brighter me!

So that’s me…perfectly imperfect. The clear, transparent glass you once destroyed now lives out loud with so much to give, reflecting God, shining forth His Grace in a myriad of amazing, most colorful ways…

It’s just..beautiful…and…It’s Me!

Perfectly Imperfect Mosaic Me

by Sara Huizenga Lubbers

I have these two girls...

2009-07-02T23:03:00.000-07:00

I have these two girls...

They truly mean the world to me...

That's not right, it's more than that...they are my soul, they own my breathe...

My whole world, my whole self...it is for them, of course it is...I have been blessed beyond measure, they are miracles, I am beyond honored to be a part of them...

They are the most brilliant, compassionate, exquisite, divine, holy creatures on the planet...ever...I do not just say this because they are mine, it is a fact, the gospel truth...

I love them with no boundaries, my precious babies, whom I adore...

Sick am I, I am dying inside, to see them hurt, destroyed by the one other earthly being who should love them as much as I...

And I chose him, I did this to them...it is my fault, it is none others...I own the pain they are tormented by, the cruel hate cast out from him...

I cry out, I beg, I plead, I am on my knees...GOD!!! WHY?! Please, not my babies, anything, anyone, but my babies...

This is hell, to see them hurt, to watch him hurt them, to see his sickness, his lack of any kind of care...towards them, he directs his vile self, his evil, his destruction...towards them...the precious babies...and I am the one who put him in their lives...

How do I live with that?

Oh God, Father, I plead with you, please protect my girls, I will do anything, God...just please, please...their hearts are so little, God...they can only hold so much pain.

I should have run, I should have run like hell...

2009-07-02T14:55:00.000-07:00

It will never stop...will it?

I mean, this is it, my life now, a prisoner of your rage. But not just yours, your entire "we stick together" families...I see it more clearly, finally, now...

Wow...I guess I really am a f-ing idiot after all, you were all right, all along. I just...I didn't really think that...I somewhat believed all of you...your lies, that maybe it was just me, seeing things wrong, too sensitive...you all nearly had me convinced that I truly was the one with the issue against them or at least semi-going crazy.

I still don't understand. I know that I never will, I know that it is futile to try...but, it is so surreal, so incomprehensible, why you all hate me with such vengeance, I tried so hard, so much, so long, so often...

When I told you, what they said, the things your own Mother said and did to the girls and I, you became so full of anger, it frightened me, it would have frightened anyone...you made it into that I was wrong, that I was the hateful one...that it was my fault that she was abusive to me, to you, to our children.

And then, when finally, after counseling, after much healing, when I finally stood up to her, to him, to your family, that no, it is not okay to humiliate our children, to continue to make up lies about me, to so overtly do anything to destroy our family...I begged of you for your support, my own Dad was dying, which oddly, instead of making her a bit more sensitive to our current anguish, her bizarre disdain of myself and our girls become even more intense...please, I asked you, please see us...please just love us, we need you more now than ever before, please!

You hated me even that much more for having said so...I was to be punished, I would pay for daring to speak out against the abuse. You, your Mother, your Father, your Brother...you would see to that, you would make sure that others saw things your way too...

And so many do, which is so shocking to me, shocking to me for many reasons. One of which being, I have yet to understand what in the heck I really did to begin with! Was it telling your Mom about a few of the times you abused me, was it sharing with her about the one time you yourself thought you may have killed me after slamming my head into the wall so hard? Was that it?

I thought maybe...maybe she would help convince you to talk to someone about it...that maybe she would support our family's efforts to be healthy. She didn't. She was very upset with me...when I shared this...she didn't deny it, "it" didn't matter, rather she asked me what I had done, what did I say to you, how it must have been so evil and awful, whatever it was that I had said.

How could I have not seen this from the start? I am, of course, not the first one to experience this rage against you all...it has now occurred to 2 out of the 3 daughter-in-laws in your family, there is now only one left.

I should have run, I should have run like hell after seeing how, at the funeral home of your brother, after he took his own life, how your Mother with all of your support, loudly and publicly accused his newly grieving widow of being responsible for his death, in front of her children and family and friends, she accused her. And then, you all rushed to support the accuser! Even helped her come up with many more reasons, be they fabricated or not, to justify her rage against and hate for the wife your brother had left behind.

How could you all have treated her like that? How sick are you all to do that to her and her children?! How could I have not stood up for her more?! I am so ashamed for not standing up for her sooner...

She moved away, she lives in an entirely, far away state now...of course she does...how could she even begin to attempt to make a safe, happy life for herself and her children here surrounded by this seemingly formed army set out to actively determined to destroy her.

Moving isn't an option for me...we'll have to "figure out" shared parenting...you will all always be in my life, no doubt, always determined to ridicule, humiliate, degrade...destroy me, I fear...

This is my life now...my girls and my life...

Because...it doesn't really matter, what happened, the truth...what matters to all of you, I now clearly realize and finally see that...What matters, all that counts...is that I could potentially expose that truth and because I am now seemingly even more so of this ridiculous reasoned threat, I need to be destroyed...because, as your cousin wrote on your facebook wall...

"oh no, whatcha do? I unfriended her a while back, family has to stick together."

10 Seconds

2009-07-02T10:40:00.000-07:00

"I've filed for divorce, you have 10 seconds to say something before I hang up."

Upon hearing this, over the phone, after 7 plus years of marriage, 2 children, 1 mortgage, 2 vehicles, 1 boat, 100's of memories, 1,000's of future hopes/plans/dreams and countless "turn the other cheek" undeservedly so acts of forgiveness...I was unable to fully utilize the 10 seconds I'd ever so "graciously" been given...

Upon hearing this, over the phone, amidst the simultaneous news that my Beloved Father was possibly dying from AML Leukemia...I was unable to even catch my breathe, let alone use the 10 second response time alloted in a meaningful manner.

At that moment, all I could do was hope for the next moment, for the ability to breathe once again, to not let the trauma overwhelm me, to continue to somewhat stand, to do everything in my power to not literally pass out.

10 seconds to respond to no more forever.

10 seconds to say whatever I'd not been given "permission" to express ever since we promised till death due us part.

10 seconds to state how I felt about now being a single parent, to vocalize my thoughts, my shattered dreams, my no more tomorrows, my darkened present, my broken heart, my violated trust, my ridiculed yesterdays, my abandoned todays...

10 seconds, not a half second extra of grace time, not even a minute, just seconds, only 10...that's all I "deserved" not one moment more...that's all I meant, all that I was, all that I mattered, all that, to you, I'd ever be...

Just 10 seconds, 10 lousy, insignificant seconds.

Damn, I wish he would just leave me alone!

2009-07-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

Dealing With Controlling Behavior After You Leave

One of the hardest things about leaving abuse is that the controlling behavior may continue, even after you're out of the house. Even if you get a divorce, the games may continue. It's not easy to deal with, but the following article can give you insights to why it happens and tips on how to deal with it.

~ Will The Games End Once You Leave ~

We have been through all the hurtful, horrible things our abusers have done to us. Possibly our children, too. We reached our limit, said ENOUGH and got out. This is wonderful, FREEDOM feels Great. Then the "new" set of games begin. These can be every bit as confusing and hard to deal with, especially when we are a bundle of emotions and trying to heal, to start with.

Once we leave, our abusers will do whatever they can think of, to try to gain back some control over us. They NEED a victim. They need someone to have power over and they will sink to any level to try to continue to hurt us, or promise us anything to get us back.

Let's start with them trying to get us back. In their minds we are their belongings, they don't want to admit when it is over, they don't want to feel they lost us. They are so sure of their power over us, they feel if they can say and do everything we want to hear and see, we will go back to them. Sadly enough, this often works.

When we first leave, so many emotions surface. Emotions we couldn't feel while we were with our abusers. More often than not, there is a sense of loss. The end of a relationship, whether good or bad - gives feelings similar to the death of a person very close to us. We have grieving to deal with. We lost a dream, our hopes, our plans of growing old together, etc. There is a lot to grieve over.

We went into this relationship thinking this was the right person for us. We were in love with them. Most of us changed our entire lives, for this person. Made them our center, everything we did was to make them happy, to adjust to their wants or demands. In the process of that, we lost ourselves. We became what they wanted us to be. We gave up things important to us or people they didn't want us around. You become very accustomed to living for them. They have worked very hard to get us to that point.

Then we are FREE, able to do whatever we want. It takes time for that to sink in. They usually have us unsure of our own choices, now we have to make all the choices. Everything is up to us now. Our minds are like a whirlwind, trying to sort it all out, plus trying to grieve and heal at the same time.

Then they call. Says they LOVE you, misses you, knows they were wrong and is so sorry. They never meant to hurt you. Can't we work it out, maybe we could try one more time and go to counseling this time. They'll promise to change, quit drinking or doing drugs. They'll spend more time with you and the kids. They'll communicate more and let you be part of decisions. They will listen when YOU speak and be more caring and understanding. Etc. Etc. Etc.

These are ALL lies. We have all heard them, probably too many times. I think they sell this right next to the "Pick-up Lines" book! The sad part is, we want to believe them. We want it to be true. We want our dream back, that person they used to be in the beginning. And often, we go back. I did, more than once. The abuse escalated and he thought he could get away with anything. He was wrong...

We have to be honest with ourselves, we know they won't change. We have to remember why we left and stay strong. I decided, after leaving and falling for his sweet talk, I'd do things differently this time. When I got this last RO, I made a promise to myself, for ME. I would have No Contact at all with him. Not on the phone, in person, not even a letter. That was on March 2nd of this year and I have held that promise as the most important thing I can do, for me and my daughter. It has worked!

This brings up the kids and how they use them to get to us. This can be very hard and hurtful to deal with. Our children become innocent pawns. They may tell them mom or dad's keeping me away, it's mom or dad's's fault, I really want to be with you all the time, if mom or dad would change their mind...

Our children don't understand this manipulation. They want to believe all this, too. They can unknowingly become a partner in the manipulation. Our children may get angry at us, even turn on us - for making mom/dad leave.

Trying to deal with this can be heartbreaking. Our children mean everything to us. We want them to understand and realize all the facts behind our decisions, but they can't. Most of the time they are too young and immature to even begin to comprehend these issues. We as adults, having lived through it, have a hard time understanding. We can't expect our children to either.

Our abuser may turn into the "model" parent after divorce. Spending time with the children, either in visits, on the phone, writing letters and a lot of times, trying to buy their way to their hearts. Big gifts mom/dad can't afford anymore - is a favorite with many of them. This can make us feel very intimidated and defeated.

We have to remember money can NOT buy love. Our children will in time, as they grow older and wiser, see through all these games. Then they will appreciate us, even more, for being there and being the constant in their lives. Unconditional love and a good abuse free home, will be the greatest gift they will ever receive from us.

They may go the opposite, ignoring the children. Acting like they don't even exist. Not paying the child support, because they are angry at our leaving, thinking this is a way to hurt us and get back at us. This can be devastating to the kids and put us in financial turmoil. We need to have Child Support Enforcement make them pay their child support. In the mean time, the State can assist you with cash assistance, food stamps and Medicaid. They can also get you and your children into counseling, to deal with these feelings, which can be a great help.

If none of this gets to us, they may bring mutual friends or family into the picture. Getting them to phone or drop by. Most of the time these people didn't know or realize there was abuse going on, to begin with so, they will usually speak highly of the abuser. They might say what a good provider they were, how good looking they were, what a great sense of humor they had, how we seemed like the perfect couple, etc. It could be anything to get us thinking of their good points. We know the whole story, though and have to remember that.

They may have someone join in with harassing us. Keeping us on edge with hang-up phone calls, or prank calls. Log every one of them, with the time and date. These need to be reported to the police and phone company. They can trace these calls and after 3 traces, can file charges on anyone, who is making them. A lot of times they use the Caller ID number block, in these cases the police will put a tracer on your line. They can and will find and prosecute them.

Maybe they will try to keep us in fear with actual threats or more subtle ways like driving by our houses, leaving items so we'll know they were there. They might send strange gifts through the mail, with no return address. All these things are to keep some power over us. It keeps us their victim, which they need to have. All these things need to be documented and reported to the police. We have to let them know, we will not be their victim or let them play their games with us.

When all else fails, they may try to get to us through the courts. This can effect us both emotionally and financially, not to mention be on-going and exhausting.

All these games mentioned and many others, are all to keep some form of power and control over us. How we react and deal with these situations will determine the outcome. Our own feelings are the core. We can choose to stop them, or let it continue. Stopping them, will not happen overnight, it will take time. But, there are plenty things we can do to make our situations better. Changing to a new, unlisted phone number, moving if need be and setting up supervised visits at a county office, so they don't know where we live.

The most important thing is never second guess yourself. We made a big decision, for many important reasons. Mainly to be SAFE and FREE, and to break the cycle for our children, so they could have happy, productive lives. Once we are out, we need to follow through. Document everything and report any unwanted activity to the police. Press charges when you can, don't feel sorry for them. These are choices the abuser is making, to try to keep us off balance. How we choose to deal with this is the difference between staying a victim or being a SURVIVOR.

No the "game" playing doesn't always stop, once we leave - it takes on many different forms. All of which can cause us emotional distress, while we are already trying to heal. We have to deal with it all, being sure of ourselves and with a positive attitude. Knowing we are the ones who are right and that the abuser is at fault. The truth will, in time, set you free! When you find you need support, call a friend or a counselor to help get you through it. When you need some encouragement or advice, we are always here for you! Most of all, stay Strong and Safe and know you are not at fault!

Return to top of Controlling Behavior

Written by Jolene ~ Survivor's Empowerment Zone, www.openSEZme.org

One Chic Mama: A Rose Is A Rose

2009-06-30T19:35:00.000-07:00

One Chic Mama: A Rose Is A Rose

People just love to see kids in hats. Especially cute hats. So whenever one woman would take her kids to the market, their cute hats made by her clever mom, "Nana", would get lots of attention. After this happened time and again, she decided she was on to something and Maggie's Rose was born.

Maggie's Rose is the cutest line of knit hats and headbands, each adorned with a lovely silk flower. When we received samples of these lovelies, my daughter just swooned! She had to wear the hat all around town that day, and, well, she got lots of compliments, too. Maggie's Rose hats and head bands are perfect for dress up, whether it's "like a big girl" or just for fun. Your girls will love that these hats and headbands are so cute, and you'll love that they're functional, too. Once the weather turns cool, this is a great way to keep your daughter's ears covered because she won't want to take these hats off! So take a peek at Maggie's Rose and watch your little rose just bloom when she tries one on!

Don't these men understand that you can't abuse a woman without abusing her children?

2009-06-30T12:02:00.000-07:00

Abuse, Work Hard, not Smart

I will forever marvel at the man who gathers his children warmly about himself, gives them tender kisses and words of love, then turns to the mother of his children, and gives her spite, cruelty , degrading words, and carries within himself the illusion that he is a good, loving righteous father.

These sights remind me of a couple I once knew. They loved their little boy dearly. The dotted on him as though he were the very son of God. As they both worked full time, the couple employed a nanny. Many times I was shocked by how degrading their manner was toward their nanny. Didn't they understand when their backs were turned, the nanny was the one in care of their child. A child receives their happiness or sorrow from their primary care giver.

If a father loves his children and has the slightest clue as to human nature and physics he should demonstrate the utmost kindness to his children's mother, and lift her up. In order for the mother of his children to provide a caring, nurturing environment for her children, she needs to be emotionally and physically strong.

Every time, he digs at their mother, tearing her down, he is destroying his children's world. So many mothers have to strengthen their hearts, bind them up, and turn to their children, and as an demonstration of love to them, refuse to pass on the abuse to the children.

Don't these men understand that you can't abuse a woman without abusing her children. Emotionally or physically. It's just another way of burning down the home your children are sleeping in.

Motherhood is one of life's most challenging tasks and mothers need all the strength they can get.

If a man wants to build up his children, he must also build up the mother of his children. Otherwise, he may work hard, but not smart. He working against himself.

Father's need to remember to honor the mother of their children, they need it.

Emotional Incest is Emotional Abuse that makes a Child feel Responsible for the Parent's Emotional Needs

2009-06-29T13:01:00.000-07:00

Emotional Incest - emotionally devastating child abuse

"One of the most pervasive, traumatic, and damaging dynamics that occurs in families in this dysfunctional, emotionally dishonest society is emotional incest. It is rampant in our society but there is still very little written or discussed about it."

"A touching scene? No. Emotional abuse! The child has just received the message that he/she has the power to save mommy's life. That the child has power over, and therefore responsibility for, mommy's feelings. This is emotional abuse, and sets up an emotionally incestuous relationship in which the child feels responsible for the parent's emotional needs."

(Text in this color are quotes from Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls by Robert Burney)

"Emotional incest from either parent is devastating to the child's ability to be able to set boundaries and take care of getting their own needs met when they become an adult. This type of abuse, when inflicted by the opposite sex parent, can have a devastating effect on the adult/child's relationship with his/her own sexuality and gender, and their ability to have successful intimate relationships as an adult."

It is not shameful to be abused. What is shameful is when no one helps.

2009-06-29T09:22:00.000-07:00

FaithTrust Institute believes that the best way to address domestic violence, child abuse, sexual assault and sexual violence is through a united front of religious and nonreligious resources. Skilled staff is available for trainings, seminars and keynote presentations in your area. All presentations include religious and pastoral issues, and are available throughout the United States, Canada and overseas.

While our workshops uniquely focus on building bridges between secular and religious organizations, our sessions are always tailored to the specific needs of your community. Accordingly, we train and educate a wide range of individuals and communities, both secular and religious. The following is an abbreviated list of the types of groups with whom we work regularly:

Statewide and local coalitions working to combat domestic violence and child abuse

Rape crisis centers

Seminary and university administrators

Churches, synagogues, congregations, mosques

Judicatory staff

Lay leaders and trainers

Chaplains

FaithTrust Institute’s

Four Program Initiatives:

Clergy Ethics

Offering specifically designed training and educational materials to help religious institutions of all faiths reduce incidents of sexual abuse by clergy and to train clergy on boundary issues.

Addressing professional ethics and sexual abuse through theological education.

Congregational Safety and Health

Supporting clergy and lay leaders in creating and sustaining healthy and safe congregations, emphasizing the prevention of child sexual abuse.

Healthy Families

Providing educational print and video materials addressing child abuse, domestic violence, and healthy teen relationships.
Training religious leaders to engage their communities in being part of a comprehensive community response to domestic violence.

Trafficking of Persons and Sexual Exploitation

Addressing global trafficking through educational materials for clergy and lay leaders.
Providing educational print and video materials addressing sexual violence.

Read more about our offerings in the following issue areas:

Domestic Violence and Child Abuse

Sexual Abuse by Clergy

Sexual Violence

Click HERE to request training for specific faith traditions, including Muslim, Jewish, Christian, or Buddhist.

Click HERE to view a listing of upcoming trainings.

Length and costs of trainings vary depending on your needs. Please schedule your presentation at least six months in advance. Fill out a speaker request form or contact FaithTrust Institute for price information and scheduling.

Am I a friend of worth?

2009-06-28T21:34:00.000-07:00

The Reluctant Friend

from Scream Quietly by Indigo

I see pictures and smiles. I’ve read the, ‘I can’t imagine my life without you in it’ confessions. And I wonder…so that’s what it’s supposed to be like. At times like a voyeur you witness the connection, the openness, the reality of what one would describe as friendship. Do we all define this bond with equal amounts of enthusiasm, accolades, and reverence? Am I a friend of worth and by what standards do we judge, gage that worthiness? What are we looking for in these strands that wound themselves around us tight – an acquaintance, companionship, or someone/something/anything to fill the empty space in our lives.

Strange is: Not knowing the answers and wondering if you have somehow missed the relevant meaning altogether. Awkward is: Not knowing exactly what is expected of you in friendship. I can nurture, listen, almost always give a helping hand – but is that the same? Friendship is a two way street. It’s easy enough to give of oneself, allowing for someone to give of themselves is – far from easy. Some days I’m not exactly sure how. Awkward is: Tripping falling over words, stammering for the right response and searching for something/anything to give you a hint on how to respond in any given situation. Complicated? It’s getting there.

Children who grow up in a sheltered environment often lack the social skills they might of otherwise learned. Add in the equivalent of lacking acceptance, love and self appreciation brought on by violent relationships and…most of my life has been centered around barely existing and participating in life and a whole lot of insecurity. If only those were the only factors – add in living with a disability (my deafness) and the world gets smaller by the moment. The desire to interact and belong on some level is always there. For those who would discount all or any of the above as being irrelevant in how someone may associate with another human being, “It’s my story, I lived it – leave it be.”

It’s not open for discussion of what I lack in understanding and empathy. That’s not the problem. In some twist of fate I turned out to be well rounded despite any of the above. Writing down one’s history in a memoir unlocks reality in a way you didn’t/couldn’t comprehended before the epiphany. The ‘ah, hah’ moment when it dawns on you there are no memories to guide what a friendship should be. The implications of living a lone wolf existence, leave one wanting to grasp what exactly it is you’ve missed out on. The camaraderie that you let your guard down with; the one person you can’t wait to share with; the people that somehow complete you; the ones that bring out the best of you and you them.

I’m learning…and some days it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to actively try to do in my life – is be a friend. Did I say/do the right thing at the appropriate moment? Was I understanding, supportive, encouraging enough? Did they get my off color humor, the at least I tried to lighten the moment tempest. Is it safe to let the vitriol escape, those unhindered, unbound lapses of opinionated – this is me, get over it whispers? Most of all is it worthy of friendship – mine and yours? When do I get to relax and stop worrying about the e-mail I sent out, my response/yours? Is it suppose to be this complicated and uninhibited? Is being me enough of an incentive to want you to know me?

How are you supposed to be a friend, when you’re never sure how to be one? It’s not an adult issue it’s a lifetime one…

Meet me in the stillness
Away from all this madness
I'll give you a piece of me
If you'll give me a moment
To let you into the corners of my mind

I looked into a stranger
And found my soul waiting there
It hit me like a siren
To see myself everywhere
And I saw that I knew him like the corners of my mind

And like every other soul
You feel the night come on hard and go slow
And life goes on and on and it goes
In the corners of my mind

So shed your skin for me
Let's pull back the covers
There's so much about ourselves
We're yet to discover
So won't you let me in to the corners of your mind

We pass on chance with our eyes to the ground
It only takes a minute to see what's around
But instead we choose to reside in the corners of our minds

So I stand before you now
Faulty but not broken
Fragile like the break of day
And sometimes sad like words unspoken
But I'll let you in
I'll let you in to the corners of my mind

And like every other soul
You feel the night come on hard and go slow
And life goes on and on and it goes
In the corners of my mind
(Nikka Costa -Corners of My Mind)

songs

2009-06-27T22:49:00.001-07:00

songs

Helping Children Cope with Divorce

2009-06-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

Helping Children Deal with Feelings of Grief

Problem: A divorce is one of the most devastating thing to happen in your children’s lives. They need to grieve over the loss but often need encouragement for how to express their sadness.

Solution:

1. Give each child a journal. They can write good news, sad thoughts, lists of accomplishments or anything they like. Reassure them that the journal is for their eyes only.

2. Mark regularly got his boys together and gave them paper and pencil. Each would write down his angry feelings, sad reflections, and any other unhappy emotions. Once the slips of paper were filled, the children threw them into a Pyrex dish, lit a match, and burned the bad feelings away.

3. Consider letting your child see a therapist. You can suggest he/she visit the therapist at least 2-3 times to get a sense for how therapy might be able to help. After that, they can choose whether to continue. Reassure them that many people (perhaps even yourself) find it helpful to have a trusted person to talk to at times like these. If money is an issue, many communities have clinics or therapists who offer counseling on a sliding scale based on need.

4. Let your children talk to a trusted religious advisor.

5. Ask a friend or relative to set up a regular confidential chat with your child. Cathy asked her sister Lisa to act as a confidante to her daughter Casey. Lisa would take Casey out for ice cream and go on walks with her. And everything they discussed was confidential. Cathy trusted her sister to have Casey’s best interests at heart, and it was easier for Casey to confiding in someone who was not her mother.

The Shadow Effect

2009-06-27T06:43:00.000-07:00

Take a journey from your darkest thought to your greatest dream

The Movie

The Shadow Effect is coming June 26th. Be uplifted by the power that is hidden beneath the surface of your conscious mind. Take this emotionally gripping, visually compelling journey into your mysterious shadow self—the hiding place for your most disliked thoughts, emotions, and impulses—and discover how by embracing your worst fears, you can step into your greatest self. Be transformed by Debbie Ford, the #1 New York Times best-selling author and internationally acclaimed expert on the human shadow, as well as some of the most brilliant and evolutionary thinkers of the 21st century. Be inspired to uncover the wisdom in your wounds, the blessings in your misfortunes, and the gifts that are waiting to be claimed where you may least expect them . . . in the dark. Learn more.

The Books

The Dark Side of the Light Chasers
The Secret of the Shadow
Why Good People Do Bad Things

Spiritual Divorce

2009-06-27T06:38:00.000-07:00

Often we become depressed or angry and have inner dialogues like "I can't trust anyone," "life sucks," or "I'll never let anyone do that to me again." All of our negative feelings and painful messages are stuffed within our consciousness. Left unexamined, we turn these toxic emotions and negative beliefs back on ourselves. Neglecting our inner wounds results in abusive relationships, addictions, obsessions, depressions, chronic illness, and a negative view of ourselves, others, and the world. And to make things worse, if we don't take the opportunity to look at ourselves and heal our pain, we are likely to repeat our failures.

It's imperative that we use this time to heal. Healing is the primary path returning us to a place where we see the perfection of our humanity. It is this awareness that gives us the opportunity to return to the deepest connection available to anyone -- our connection with our Divine Creator.

Spiritual Divorce: Divorce as a Catalyst for an Extraordinary Life

I wrote this book because I know firsthand how easy it is to use the breakdown of a relationship as an excuse to blame, to shut down, and to contract rather than to grow. I also know that our pain always has a purpose, which becomes clear once we’re willing to see our ex-partner as a teacher rather than an enemy. This book will take you by the hand, guide through an inner and outer revolution, and show you how to use your heartache as a CATALYST to reinvent yourself, recreate your life, and become the person you have always wanted to be.

“Spiritual Divorce saved my life. At a time when I thought I was drowning, I learned to swim. Thank you.”

Healing action steps: Part 1

Select a journal that you love and dedicate it to the sole purpose of helping you to heal and grow through your divorce. Use it freely and frequently to express whatever feelings, thoughts, or insights arise within you. Keep your journal nearby to use during these exercises.
Take a few slow, deep breaths, allowing your body and mind to relax completely. Dedicate this time to furthering your healing and promoting your well-being. Close your eyes and allow your attention to rest in the area of your heart. Now imagine what it would be like to use your divorce as a spiritual journey. Consider for a moment that the feelings and circumstances surrounding this event are here to awaken you. Declare that the process you are going through right now is a holy one, divinely designed to bring about a positive change in your life. As you do this exercise, you may find that what arises in you is anger, upset, or resistance to acknowledging your divorce as a spiritual journey. Trust that whatever emerges is perfect and appropriate. When you're ready, slowly open your eyes and free-write your feelings, thoughts, or insights in your journal.

Healing action steps: Part 2

Create a quiet environment free from distractions. Take out a pen and a pad of paper and begin writing your divorce story, complete with all the drama and emotion you feel about the events that transpired. Use language that expresses your deepest, darkest feelings. This is not a time to censor yourself, to be kind, or to take responsibility for your actions. Give yourself permission to bring forth whatever needs to be said concerning yourself, your partner, and your divorce.
Make a list of the facts about your divorce, without any story, drama, or judgment.
Go back and read your divorce story. As you revisit each detail, ask yourself, "Is this fact or fiction?"

A Perfect Love

2009-06-27T01:06:00.000-07:00

by Rose Sweet

After divorce some amount of healing can occur through friends, community support, and learning to change certain behaviors. But complete healing of our souls and spirits, and restoration to a place of total joy, can only come from the one who created us. Do you really know him yet?

He's strong and vibrant, powerful and perfect. He gave you life and calls you by name. He knows every inch of you, inside and out, and adores you despite your flaws. He sees in you what no one else sees, and he values you more than life itself.

He sends you flowers in the springtime and baskets of fruit in the summer. He brings you sunshine in the mornings and rainbows to let you know he is still with you even in the tough times.

He would never leave you in a rut, so he sends the change of seasons to spice up your life. When it's hot, he sends shade and cool water. When it's cold, he provides you with the heat of a fire and the comfort of warm wool.

He promises to meet your needs, dry your tears, and be your strength in time of trouble. He is the rock on which you can build your life, your home, and your family. He will be your husband. He also will be father to your children and love them more than you ever could.

He is the maker of heaven and earth. He is power and glory and might, and at his name every knee shall bend and every head shall bow.

He will never betray you or abandon you, and he will heal your broken heart.

He loves you.

He is with you always ... even after divorce, even until the end of time.

Scars are mere reminders of the past, they don't tell your story of today

2009-06-27T00:05:00.000-07:00

Steps To Recovery For Survivors of Abuse

The subject of recovery for survivors of abuse is not often talked about. What happens after you leave? How to you go about rebuilding a normal life after divorcing an abusive husband? For anyone who has left an abusive relationship, the following article offers help and guidance to make the transition a little easier.

I'm out - now what?

Congratulations! You are free. You have worked hard for this, planned, sacrificed, endured, give yourself a big hug. Being free is great – and scary.

Change is always difficult, even if it's what we want and a change for the better. The adjustments we must make not only to our daily life, but our way of thinking are so huge we may be left feeling overwhelmed. This puts us at risk of losing sight of our dream or worse – back in the arms of the abuser.

It's important to make sure we don't feel overwhelmed and adjust comfortably to our new life.

Relationships:

Many women who have just come out of a long-term abusive relationship are just dying to get a 'real' relationship as soon as possible. Many feel they have been emotionally alone for a very long time - and they have. Unfortunately, getting into another relationship too soon isn't always wise. We haven't had time to find ourselves and we are at risk of falling into the same trap of abuse again. Behavior changes slowly, not just for the abuser but for us as well.

If you already have your eye on some guy and are afraid you will lose him, don't be. If the feeling is mutual, he will wait and allow you time to heal. Don't allow yourself to get desperate and jump from the frying pan into the fire!

New dreams:

While in the abusive relationship we dared to dream. Now is the time to look at those dreams and see if it's what we still want. Our needs and wants change and that's ok. Better to change our mind and move forward than to plug away at something we no longer want just because we said we would.

Make a new treasure map: Get a big sheet of paper and write big words on it like “my job is…” “I live in ….” Have a good think about what you want and write it down. Get pictures from magazines, draw sketches, look at it every day. That way it becomes a reality. Then start planning how you can get those things. The important thing is to write it all down like it has already happened. Don’t say “ I want to live in Atlanta with my family." Say “ I NOW live in Atlanta with my family”.

It’s not some wish that may or may not be fulfilled. It’s a statement of reality, a reality which WILL BE.

Make a new list of goals, let your imagination run wild…Get excited, know it can happen. You once dreamed of being free from abuse, it happened. Believe in yourself and follow your heart.

Practical matters:

Now we have to take care of everything for ourselves; paying rent, bills, dealing with finances, taxes, insurance. If we didn't deal with these things before this may all seem a little bit daunting. If a problem seems to big, break it down into small chunks and deal with it one little chunk at a time. If you need help, ask for it.

If he abuses your credit

If your ex is applying for credit with your social security number here are some things you can do to stop him:

Contact the creditors who gave him credit under your name and SSN and tell them he acquired credit fraudulently using your information without your permission.
File a police report.

Contact the fraud department of the major credit bureaus (contact information is below).

Equifax
www.equifax.com
Report fraud: 1-800-525-6285
Order a credit report:
(800) 685-1111
P.O. Box 740256
Atlanta, GA 30374-0241

Experian
www.experian.com
Report fraud: 1-888-397-3742
Order a credit report:
(888) 397-3742
P.O. Box 1017
Allen, TX 75013-0949

Trans Union
www.transunion.com
Report fraud: 1-800-680-7289
Order a credit report:
(800) 916-8800
P.O. Box 6790
Fullerton, CA 92834

Tell them another person is applying for credit using your social security number and ask them to place a red flag. This will require creditors to contact you before approving additional credit using your name and number. Ask them how long the flag is posted on your account and how you can extend it if you need to. Follow up all your phone calls with a letter and keep a copy.

Here is a really good link for information on what to do if someone misuses your social security number: http://www.ssa.gov/pubs/10064.html. You can also have your social security number changed. Here is a link to the Social Security Administrations Domestic Violence page: http://www.ssa.gov/pubs/10093.html (scroll down the page to find the the information)

Planning time:

You won't constantly be running around like a headless chicken making sure everything is 'just so'. You may however be working for the first time in years and not used to this new schedule. Plan ahead. Make a day for paying bills, a day for laundry, a day for shopping and spread it out over the week so that it suits your new lifestyle and you don't get overwhelmed. You won't get it right first time! Just move things around until you have a system that works.

Hobbies and interests: what are they?

What ever you want them to be! I always wanted to do crafts and make soap. Make sure you allow yourself to indulge in 'you' things. Hobbies give us pleasure and also help us to reclaim who we are. It could be something you loved to do before your abuser came along and then life with him made it impossible or he made you stop. Maybe it's a new thing you want to try. Sewing, reading, rock climbing, watching TV, what ever, it doesn't matter. Remember, this is a choice, you are not compelled to take up a hobby! Perhaps you like to sit and watch an old movie, or read a book, go ahead, indulge yourself. The important thing is you are pleasing your self, quite literally.

Support network:

It's a whole new world out there and you don't want to face it alone! We know jumping into an intimate relationship isn't the answer, but we do need a support network. Hopefully we were able to build a support network as part of our escape planning. Friends, family, co-workers, counselors, it's important to maintain these relationships after we get out. If we weren't able to form these relationships before leaving the abuser, now is a great time to start. Many of us were distanced from our family and friends by the abuser who tried to isolate us. Now is the time to pick up the phone and call your friend, your sister or who ever you used to share a good relationship with. Reforming these bonds with our loved ones will also help us to heal.

Time to heal:

Ah, so much to do and it's a struggle that's for sure. But please, take time to smell the roses. Look around, appreciate what you have – freedom from abuse and peace. Admire the beauty in nature, watch the squirrels, walk through autumn leaves, feel the sun on your face - or the rain! Healing is important. Join a survivors support group, physically or online. Get into counseling even if you didn't before you left. Make sure you recognize the signs of abuse and your own self worth so that you don't get involved in another abusive relationship.

Rewire your brain:

After enduring years, possibly decades of negative input about our bodies, cooking, skills, abilities, sexuality, personality and everything that makes us what we are, our thought patterns become stuck into believing it's true. We learned to act in certain ways in order to protect ourselves from further abuse and harm. We built up mental ways of coping with the impossible and bearing the unbearable. We learned to survive. Those survival mechanisms and thought patterns got us through and they are still with us, but they are now obsolete. We need to rewire our brains to react positively to daily events and to ourselves. We no longer need to apologize for things that aren't our fault, or blame ourselves for another person's behavior.

We need to understand that everyone is responsible for their own behavior, including us! We can't make someone abuse us, they choose to do it. We can't make them stop abusing us either, for the abuser must choose to stop the abuse themselves. You are not responsible for his behavior, you never were. You are responsible for your own behavior, however.

How do you want to wear your hair? What clothes do you want to wear? What kind of music do you like to listen to? Watch what you want on TV. Do the laundry/housework/dishes when you want to. Make your life suit your convenience.

Habits are hard to break. Just be aware and catch yourself if you slip into your old ways and stop for a moment and think 'does this work for me?' Make sure you break the cycle and don't let it happen to you again.

Dealing with him:

If you still need to have contact with him because of joint property and/or children, make it as easy on yourself as possible. If you are selling a house, let your realtor deal with him as much as possible. If you have legal issues about divorce, see if your courthouse has a Family Law Facilitator or some other form of mediation. Check with your local Women's crisis center too.

In the case of child custody, he may use picking up or dropping off the children as an excuse to harass you. I have read posts on the message boards recently of abusers using this opportunity to grope their ex-partners and then fly into rages when their crude advances are rejected. Have him collect your children in a public place, or from a location at which you are not present. Have someone else around if he must come to your home – that way he can't harass you.

If he does begin to harass you, get a restraining order and call the police every time he violates it. Having the restraining order and a police record of his violations will also help you should you need evidence of the abuse in court.

He has a new girlfriend:

How could we be replaced so easily? This is a tough one and let me tell you, I’ll bet my side of the bed didn’t even get cold the day I left! He doesn’t love this women, he is just insecure and needs someone, anyone, who will have him. Pity her, you know what he has in store for her…He will use his new girlfriend as an emotional punch bag and sooner or later, a physical one too.

Knowing all that doesn’t make it any easier though does it? You are going to feel what ever you feel; anger, shock, pain, humiliation, jealousy, confusion… That’s ok, don’t be hard on yourself for having feelings. It’s your capacity to feel and be human that makes you what you are. Acknowledge your feelings, give yourself a day to ‘mourn’ if it makes you feel better, but don’t wallow in it. Allow yourself to feel – don’t allow yourself to be overcome by your feelings.

Post on the board, talk to a friend or counselor, express your feelings in a healthy way.

Remember: YOU LEFT HIM. Remember WHY you left him and get on with your day.

*****

Being in an abusive relationship strips us of all our self-confidence, makes us feel worthless and unattractive. We need time to heal and reclaim ourselves. By pursuing our hobbies we reclaim a part of our personalities and outline our strengths. By dreaming and planning, we assert our own importance and define our right to have what we want. By planning our time we become decision makers. By beginning or expanding our support network we create a social life. By helping ourselves, healing ourselves and loving ourselves, we will in turn be able to help, heal and love others.

Copyright © Heather Jayne 2001, 2002. If you are in an abusive relationship, Heather's site offers extensive information and resources about domestic violence, tips for leaving your abusive relationship, and support for after you leave. You can visit her site at Leaving Abuse.com.

Following these steps to recovery for survivors of abuse can help you begin to live a full life, free from threats and beatings. If you would like more information about abuse, the following articles can offer some insight:

Quote of the Day
No one ever flew forward in life, looking backward. Therefore, the scars are just a reminder of where you have been, not where you are today, oh beautiful spirit... - Unknown

Emotional Abuse
When Words Hurt
Abuse Effects On Children
When Controlling Behavior Continues
More Articles on Abusive Relationships

Today, on the Susan Murphy Milano TalkRadio Show - Why Do We Live With Destructive People?

2009-06-17T09:05:00.001-07:00

Why Do We Live With Destructive People?

LIVE Today on the Susan Murphy-Milano Radio Show!

Online, Interactive TalkRadio, 6/17/09 at 4pm EST.

Why do live remain in relationships with people who are toxic? Who make us sick? Who manipulate and reek havoc on the live of our children and us?

Grab a cup coffee and join in on the conversation today June 17, 2009 on the Susan Murphy Milano show at 3:00 p.m. central standard time.

To listen to Susan's TalkRadioShow, please go here: www.blogtalkradio.com/susanmurphymilano

Are you looking for a domestic violence support group? Consider joining at the link HERE.

To find out more about Susan, purchase her books and/or book her for an appearance, please visit her website at www.SusanMurphyMilano.com or contact ImaginePublicity at imaginepublicity@gmail.com

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