I Missed Being Me

09 March, 2009

What are the three most common mistakes parents make after a divorce?

Expert: Ben Garber, author of Keeping Kids Out of the Middle

1. Undermining your partner.

This happens when Caregiver A says to Billy or Sally, "Don't listen to your other parent. Here's what we'll do." It can sound fun and conspiratorial: "Your mom's away. Now us boys can have fun," or outright damning: "Your other parent's a jerk. Don't listen to him!"

Kids need every opportunity to build and maintain the healthiest relationship that they are able to with each of their caregivers, regardless of the adults' feelings for one another. Unfortunately, human beings become physically mature enough to have kids long before they become emotionally mature enough to put their own feelings aside in support of the child's needs.

2. Enlisting your child as a spy, courier or co-conspirator.

When a parent begins to treat a child like a peer (a process known as adultification), the child feels complimented and eagerly accepts the new role. It feels like a promotion! But adultification cheats kids out of the opportunity to feel safe and cared for. It inevitably exposes them to experiences that they're not ready to cope with emotionally. The result is a huge amount of anger and anxiety, depression and distraction.

Don't ask your child to quiz their other parent when they're together, or report back to you afterwards. Don't let your own loneliness, neediness or stress make your child into a new best friend, or co-parent to a younger sibling (a process known as parentification). Get your emotional gas tank filled by other adults. Parenting means you refueling your kids, not the other way around.

You should give "we" messages. "We" communicates that the co-parents are mutually participating in a decision despite their differences, as in, "Last week you asked me if you could go to the dance. Your dad and I discussed it and WE think it's okay." Aside from the obvious content (go to the dance), WE communicates that the parenting team is always together, creating a safety net that communicates security to the child.

3. Trying to do it all alone.

Raising a child does, indeed, take a village. To make sure your emotional needs are met (not to mention getting some time away), it's critically important for you to have suitable co-caregivers. That doesn't mean getting married, necessarily; it sure doesn't mean staying married if you're in an unhealthy relationship. It means finding healthy support for you, and assembling a team to raise your child. Your adult partner could be a co-parent; maybe your sibling, your mom or dad, or your neighbor. Their pediatrician, clergy person, and a good child therapist can all be part of the team.

Interview by Anna Leuchtenberger

08 March, 2009

Peace4 the Missing Blog: Heroines of Peace

Domestic Violence Custom Online Search Tool

Divorce Recovery Links

Divorce Recovery Links:

	"The Stages of Grief" Discusses the 5 Stages of Grief
	"His Plan For Your Life" Hope for a new life with the right person.
	"Life's Lessons" Why We Have to Go Through Pain
	"Prayers for Serenity and Peace" Prayers For When You Feel Lost and Alone
	"The Garden of Serenity and Peace" 3 Pages of Uplifting Affirmations and Verses
	"Comes the Dawn" A Poem of Survival
	"The Weaving" The Plan For Our Lives
	"My Love Story" There really can be Happiness after Divorce.
	"Can I Save My Marriage?" A Look At Realism In Divorce
	"A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime" Why marriages sometimes don't last a lifetime
	"B. E. (The Beginning Experience)" A weekend retreat that will help you heal from your loss
	"Real Life" What happens in real life isn't what we expect
	"Things to Ponder" Some "tidbits" to make you think about your life.
	"The End" Why and How it ends.
	Let Them Go When people want to leave, let them go.

06 March, 2009

Toolkit To End Violence Against Women

Letter from U.S. Attorney General and Secretary of U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (PDF)

To provide concrete guidance to communities, policy leaders, and individuals engaged in activities to end violence against women, the National Advisory Council on Violence Against Women developed the Toolkit To End Violence Against Women. The recommendations contained in the Toolkit were reviewed by numerous experts in the fields of sexual assault, domestic violence, and stalking.

Each Toolkit chapter focuses on a particular audience or environment and includes recommendations for strengthening prevention efforts and improving services and advocacy for victims. We encourage you to consult all chapters of the Toolkit for instruction, guidance, and inspiration.

	Community-Based Services		Children and Youth
	Health and Mental Health Care		Educating the Public
	Civil Remedies		The Media and Entertainment Industries
	Criminal Remedies		Faith-Based Groups and Organizations
	Additional Justice System Responses		Sports
	Economic Security		Native Women
	College and University Campuses		The U.S. Military
	The Workplace		The International Community