PAS, if you don't believe it, you're a crazy #$%&@#$

Parental Alienation Syndrome, PAS, here's a PAS victim, there's a PAS victim, PAS victim, PAS victims, everywhere...makes my head spin. Wow, when did the majority of Women, most notedly, Mothers, become such Evil B-words?

The days of "Respect Your Father and Mother" seem to be a faded and distant memory for so many today, at least for those vocally speaking out...frequently, everywhere, with lots and lots of aggression. Because, apparently, Daddy can't be expected to respect this horrible thorn of his past, the one who went to hell and back bearing his child, this "crazy" woman who meanwhile cried tears of joy and thanksgiving throughout the entire experience.

Clearly, she doesn't deserve it...so we hear, because that "nuthead" he tragically was "forced" to endure being married to, is now grotesquely, not to mention, violently abusing him with PAS, which by the way most definitely should be a "Syndrome" regardless of the fact that no accredited affiliation recognizes it as such and regardless of the fact that PAS was conjured up by a Pervert promoting Child Molestation.

Yet in my humble opinion, (which probably doesn't matter, since you see, well I'm a MOM, enough said) at some point we are all victims of "Parental Alienation" ~ just like at some point we are all lied to, cheated, ignored, mocked, unappreciated and nearly always, not loved as much nor how we truly should be...

In which case, I guess we need a heck of a lot more Syndromes for all of those things too.

Sounds like we all should expect much higher taxes in 2009, considering all that the Court and Protective Agencies need to get up to speed on.

Parental Alienation Syndrome, although everything may look like its a crazy thing to be calling a Syndrome, it's not, you are...or so we hear, over and over and over again...

The Abuse Behind Parental Alienation as a Syndrome

I have a "beef" with Parental Alienation as a SYNDROME.

From our Holliston's site, Zero.Gossip...

Live In The Phoenix Area? Help Reunite A Daughter With Her Mom

If you live in the Phoenix area, feel free to print this and hand out to anyone you think can help.  

Not a day goes by that 25 year old Miranda Rhuda doesn't think about her mother.  She hasn't seen her since 1996 when she was just 13. Joyce Patterson is 52 now and believed to be homeless in Phoenix, Arizona.

Miranda last saw her mother July 18, 1996. Joyce and her husband were divorced and Joyce would see Miranda and her sister about every other weekend.


Joyce and Miranda at the age of 4

Alcohol tore into the family and overtook Joyce. Her alcoholism shattered the family and she went to live with her brother in Marion, Ohio after the divorce. Despite her demons, Miranda said she was a good mom. Unfortunately, her last memory of her mother isn't a good one.

"She came to visit for her birthday. We went out to eat and she was intoxicated. She made a scene and had a falling out with my older sister. I told her that she really needed to quit drinking and get it together."  Remember, Miranda was just 13 at the time. 

Joyce left on good terms and returned to her brother's home telling Miranda she would call her when she arrived. She never called. Her brother told Miranda that Joyce did come home, packed her things and moved out without saying where she was going. "Due to her alcoholism, she burnt out the family so when she said she was leaving on the spur of the moment, no one thought much of it," Miranda said. "But while everyone in the family wasn't surprised with her behavior, my mom and I were very close and there was no reason for her to up and take off." 

It was several years before anyone heard from Joyce. "About 6 years ago, I told my aunt, my mother's sister that I was trying to find her. She told me that my mother called her in 1997 whispering on the phone saying she had gone to Arizona with the hopes of getting sober. Some people had offered her help but that now she was being held against her will by a cult." Her aunt couldn't tell if she was under the influence or if she was in an unstable state of mind. Miranda's father told her Joyce had been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder so that, coupled with her drinking past made the family question anything she said.

"In 1999 someone told me that if I wrote a letter through the Social Security Administration, they would forward it to her if they had any records of her," Miranda said. It worked. "She called me in April that year. She told me that it was true she had been held by a cult and she was now sober. She said she was helping an older man in assisted living. She sounded really upbeat. We corresponded for about 2 weeks. In May, I called her on Mothers Day at the man's house and he said she asked him to drop her off at a shelter and he hadn't heard from her since."

There was no more communication for 5 years. Miranda tried the Social Security route again and sent another letter. Joyce made a collect call but Miranda wasn't home. She left a message saying she would call back. She didn't. Miranda had the phone company trace the call and it came from a pay phone at the Westward Ho building in Phoenix. The building houses senior citizens. That message was the last time Miranda heard from her mother. The same can't be said about the Phoenix Police. Joyce was arrested in 2007 on a petty theft charge but never appeared for court. Her address at the time was listed as transient. She hasn't been heard from by anyone since.

"The Phoenix Police wouldn't do anything to help me locate her. They told me that she's an adult and if I had heard from her periodically, they wouldn't consider her missing. I was at a loss."  In November, the police officially listed Joyce as a missing person.


Joyce's daughter Miranda

Miranda took to the internet posting on Phoenix forums, missing person sites, just about any place she could think of.

To Anyone Who Reads This:

My name is Miranda Rhuda. I am 25 years old and I am from Ohio.
In 1996, my mother Joyce Darlene Patterson, age 53, went missing from Ohio. 
Since that time, I have continually searched for her with no assistance and no outcome. Recently, I found public records with her name and date of birth listed online. She is in Phoenix (somewhere). The last address given to the police in September 2007, was 813 W. Madison Street. This address is an industrial building which is boarded up. I know this because a man named Jeff Knapp, who is doing homeless ministries, has assisted me in checking it out.

I believe that she may be homeless. She may be a drifter. In the past, she has been an alcoholic and has had very serious mental issues. I really need to find her for family reasons and mostly so that I can get her off the streets and get her treatment. There is no reason for her to be homeless and/or stealing to provide for herself. She is 5 ft. tall, 117 lbs, brown hair, brown eyes. Her Date of Birth is 07/18/1956.

I am enclosing pictures of her. I would appreciate any help that you may be able to give me. If you could please post this somewhere or forward it on to someone who may be able to help me, I would greatly appreciate it.

If you or anyone else, has any information, please send me an email atmisswriter415@aol.com or call me at 567-219-0095. I can also be reached by mail at the following: Miranda N. Rhuda, 415 Dewey Street, Sandusky, Ohio, 44870.

Thank you and God Bless,
Miranda Rhuda

While all of this paints a tragic story. There is still time to fix it. That's the message Miranda hopes her mother somehow gets. Joyce, if you are reading this, your daughter has been looking for you for 12 years. No matter how bad you think things were, she wants nothing more than to help you. At the very least she wants to know you're ok. She has three kids who ask her where her mommy is. As much as she would love to jump on a plane and come to Arizona to look for you, she can't. Remember the times you spent with Miranda doing crafts, teaching her to bake? Remember walking to the dollar store to buy her a coloring book? Miranda does. It may seem impossible to repair the damage done or to get back the lost years. Nothing is impossible. You have family who not only want to help you, they need to help you. You just have to take that leap of faith. Miranda has a lot of pictures of you and her when she was young. The last photo she has of you is a mug shot. It's time to come home.

Bring Back MOTHERHOOD!

This following FABULOUS post was found on Anonymums, to whom I say Bravo for these sentiments, words, vision and strength!

Motherhood

The campaigns for fathers ended up degrading and excluding single mothers from all walks of life. They were wrong for working and leaving their children, they were wrong for being poor, they were wrong for leaving abusive relationships and maintaining the "status quo" that would have harmed or even killed them, they were wrong for nurturing their children(alienating). A few years ago, I saw many grumpy mothers in the supermarket, now I see grumpy fathers - mothers were never any worse at raising children, they just did it more, thats all. The difference?

Single mothers are still being degraded no matter what they do and considering she has risked her life and body to bring each and everyone in the world, its about time, people began to show her a bit more gratitude and respect. Single mothers cannot continue to endure the wrath of the community for another lifetime, its bad for our youth and bad for society. It says to the rest of the world: "We as Australians are selfish and undeserving of the life that our mothers have given us". 

The solution is that Australians need to be more aware of this factor. This also includes same sex parents who can raise their children just as well, but should not be treated like baby factories and have abusers walk all over them to resolve "fatherlessness". Its about time these fathers learn to take some of the responsibilities as to why a mother might be apprehensive at contact for the child. There is a real undermining of her reasons with little and in some cases large amounts of evidence as to why she would sacrifice the little time she has to herself to have the children stay with her for longer periods of time. 

We need to ask ourselves: 

Why are we calling mothers abductors of their own children? 

Why are we looking down upon mothers for trying to bring food into their homes by working? 

It is no wonder women want to abort and more are choosing to have children later in life .

We didn't just throw the baby out with the bath water - We threw the mother out too. 

Bring back Motherhood. 

Grow Up Divorced Parents, Share your Kids, it's Christmas

Don't be the "greedy kid" with your kids anytime and especially at Christmas.  Let's all try harder to take the beautiful Christmas sentiment of caring and sharing to a higher level and really live it out loud during all of the other remaining days of the year as well.

(Much needed additional note here as well...these sentiments DO NOT apply when one of the parents has been and/or is abusive, that is an ENTIRELY different scenario, with much needed ENTIRELY different rules, in order to protect the abused parties of the offender.)

Don't use holidays for tug of war

Monday, Dec. 15, 2008

By Mary Lou Aguirre / The Fresno Bee

Nearly 17 years ago this month, I was in the wedding of a relative. The bride and groom had bright smiles of happiness. The couple, then in their early 20s, danced to Luther Vandross' love song "Here and Now," the lyrics of which state "You're all I need."

Of all the weddings I have attended, and there have been plenty, I felt this marriage would last. This loving couple and their children shared a good-natured sense of humor which made their home, as Dr. Phil would say, "a soft place to land." This was especially true when our families spent Christmas together.

Unfortunately, the laughter and Christmas visits are over. The couple is now on the path toward divorce. To make matters worse, both sides are resorting to "parental alienation" --- Parental alienation is a fancy term for bad-mouthing the other spouse. 

My relatives are practically a case study on how NOT to handle a divorce.

"A lot of parents rationalize what they do by saying they're protecting their child from the other parent," Darnall explained during an interview.

In fact, the holidays often escalate the tension between spouses, he says.

"Holidays are a sensitive issue because most parents want a fair share of the time with the child," he says. "We place a high value at Christmas with being together. If one parent is blocking access to the child, then the other parent feels lonely and bitter."

Darnall provides warning signs of child manipulation:

Telling the child details about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce.

One parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up the family or changes in lifestyle.

Asking the child to choose one parent over the other.

Reacting with hurt or sadness to a child having a good time with the other parent.

Listening in on the child's phone conversations with the other parent.

Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respond to the child's needs, or scheduling the child in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit.

Encouraging any natural anger the child has toward the other parent.

Is a "friendly" divorce ever possible?

"There are people with children who can work very well together," he says. "They recognize the value for the children to have a loving relationship with the other parent. It's my belief that the majority of parents have a reasonably healthy relationship with their ex-spouses."

Parents, says Darnall, who continue denigrating their former spouses are risking their children's well-being. Children are affected academically and socially.

"It depends on the child's personality or character," he says. "Some are extremely sensitive, and others can brush things off. We do see gender differences. Males tend to act out and females become passive-aggressive.

The good news, Darnall says, is a parent will often stop the behavior once they see it in themselves.

"A lot of these problems are avoidable," Darnall says.

PAS, The "It's Not My Fault!" Syndrome

Oh Alex, you are so not helping efforts to validate Parental Alienation as a Syndrome...

Alex Baldwin's tirade against his minor child needs to be seen for what it is-child abuse. Not only is it child abuse but is also so typical of the mindset and the philosophy that Americans so easily resort to when it comes to taking responsibility for their actions. "It's not my fault."

Here is what Baldwin said after calling his little girl a "thoughtless little pig" and threatening to come from New York to Los Angeles to "straighten her out"-a threat to the kid's safety if ever there was one.

"Although I have been told by numerous people not to worry too much, as all parents lose their patience with their kids, I am most saddened that this was released to the media because of what it does to a child," he wrote. "I'm sorry, as everyone who knows me is aware, for losing my temper with my child. I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. You have to go through this to understand. (Although I hope you never do.) I am sorry for what happened. But I am equally sorry that a court order was violated, which had deliberately been put under seal in this case."

1. "Although I have been told by numerous people not to worry too much, as all parents lose their patience with their kids, I am most saddened that this was released to the media because of what it does to a child." - The man is not worried that what he said to his daughter would affect her adversely, only that what he said to her was released to the media. He is not concerned about how his abusiveness might affect the girl but how the release of the recording might affect her. Is this man in his right mind or is this indicative of just how much his character is flawed?

2. "I'm sorry, as everyone who knows me is aware, for losing my temper with my child. I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. "- The man is shifting blame and not taking personal responsibility for his words or actions. He is sorry for losing his temper but blames "parental alienation" as that which drove him to lose his temper. No, Mr. Baldwin, "parental alienation" is your perception of a stimulus provided to you through the circumstances in which you've found yourself. Parental alienation, whatever that is supposed to mean, is not some animated, sentient entity capable of doing anything. It hasn't arms nor legs, a brain to think with, or anything else that would enable "it" to "drive" you to do anything. Your loss of temper is a behavior you chose to deal with a situation. (Since he is referring to someone committing the sin of "parental alienation," he must certainly be blaming the child as the alienator-it's the child's fault for alienating him-"parental alienation" made him do it.)

3. "You have to go through this to understand."- If ever there was an indication of the lack of critical thinking skills in the minds of Americans, this is it. This is something to which many resort in trying to justify their irrational and ill-chosen behaviors. Think a moment to what this man is actually saying: If you went through what I've been going through, then you would not condemn me. And, if you've never walked in my shoes, then you do not have the right to criticize me for calling my daughter a little pig." This man is claiming that the only way we could "understand" why he did what he did is if we had undergone this spookily-termed, "parental alienation." This man is not apologizing but trying to justify his bad behavior. And, he claims, you would understand why he abused his child if you had undergone his trials and tribulations. I don't have to have murdered someone to understand why someone resorted to bad behavior by killing his neighbor. I don't have to have sexually abused a child to know that it is ill-chosen behavior. I don't have to have stolen something that didn't belong to me to understand that stealing is wrong. How, I would love to ask Mr. Baldwin, would our understanding help us to "get it?" How would our undergoing "parental alienation" help us to understand that what Mr. Baldwin did to his daughter is somehow justified? After all, Mr. Baldwin seems to be saying if we had ever undergone "parental alienation," we would understand-cut him some slack.

4. "I am sorry for what happened. But I am equally sorry that a court order was violated..."- See how the man is trying to shift blame? What the man is sorry for, I cannot fathom, but I most certainly see that he is blaming the one who violated a court order. Baldwin cannot, at least as yet, just say that no matter what the circumstances were, no matter what the situation dealt, no matter what information he was provided to which he had to respond, that he was wrong-period-for lashing out at that child.

The past decades, if not a century, of psychoanalytical psychobabble has taught Americans that they are victims. If they act out with bad behavior, it couldn't possibly be the fault of the one who chose the bad behavior. It was "the circumstance's fault." If they get caught in some behavioral sin, then it wasn't their fault but the fault of someone or something that provided them with something to which they had to respond and did so badly.

Every circumstance, situation, problem, child acting out, a spouse acting out, a boss firing you, is just information provided to you. You get to choose how you are going to react to what is before you. All we ever do is behave. From the time we are born to the time we die, all we do is choose behaviors in response to a stimulus. What marks us as mature, sane, and rational is how we've learned to think critically through a bad hand dealt us and choosing the correct, socially appropriate and morally correct behavior.

Was one of Alex Baldwin's choices when his daughter didn't pick up the phone when he called to lash out in an abusive tirade at her? Yes.

However, thinking, and I mean using critical thinking skills, is what would have directed him to consider better alternatives. He could have ranted at the girl or he could have made a better choice. A little bit of maturity would have gone a long way in preventing his childish behavior.

Oh, Mr. Baldwin, we understand perfectly and are wondering,

"Just who is the child here?"

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Douglas_Bower

Emotional Incest, When Mommy Matters More Than Your Wife

There are many reasons why a husband puts his mother on a higher level than his wife, but I have found the most prevalent, by far, is emotional incest. Emotional incest occurs in childhood when a child’s emotional self is unwittingly violated. This happens when the energy in the parent-child relationship gets mixed-up and, rather than the parent taking care of the child’s emotional needs, the child is somehow responsible for taking care of the emotional needs of the parent.

More often than not, the child is unaware of his “de-selfing.” Being the “little man of the house watching over mommy” or the “chosen child” sets the child up to feel special. Therefore, when describing their childhoods, adults who have been emotionally incested frequently are unable to identify any problems or unresolved issues from their pasts at all. The emotional incest is often seen as “love,” even though there was an incredibly high price to pay for that “love”: the child must disconnect from his authentic self to please the parent.

Another problem with emotional incest is that it is so thorough. The child isn’t aware of the problem because it has been there almost since the day he was born. He has no other experience to compare it to. It is just “normal.”

I, as a clinician, start looking for it when the wife complains that her husband’s primary relationship seems to be with his mother and not her.  If you as the wife can see it, I know you’ve probably tried to get your husband to see it. If this hasn’t worked, you will need some outside help. Look for a marriage counselor who is very familiar with and experienced working with the effects of emotional incest. Give your husband this article. Give him a copy of my book, “The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing.” Read Pat Love’s book. Knowledge is the best hope for an awakening.

And how do you know you’re making progress? This paragraph is particularly written to men. Mainly you will know you are making progress when your primary relationship is with your partner, and she knows it deep in her soul. Your wife must feel primary, that is, number one. It doesn’t matter if you feel you are treating your partner as primary – your partner must feel this. Your behavior must be consistent enough for her to register it. Your behavior, words, and attitude must convey, “You are more important to me than my mother.” Mothers are important, precious, and need to be honored, of course, but there is wisdom in the Biblical instruction to “leave and cleave.” Leave your family of origin and cleave to your wife and new family. Think of your wife and her happiness first as you make choices this holiday season. You may be surprised at what gifts you get in return.

I send you clarity and strength: for breaking an emotionally incestuous bond is not easy. In fact, it is very, very difficult. But, as with breaking the incredibly strong bonds of addiction, people do it everyday. You can, too.

May this holiday season bring you love and peace.