31 March, 2009

There's no I in T E A M

Sometimes we all have the tendency to get so involved in something, so consumed by it, that even this very good in theory and initial intent cause might also threaten to divide the very supportive of community around us...

Reasons for conflict are often trite and petty...to be passionate about something is to also risk exposing a deep part of yourself as well.  By doing so, making ourselves vulnerable, our senses are heightened and our "hot poker stick" responses increase...thus even our very own "team members" become the likely targets of potential "lash-out" negative reactions...perhaps they didn't say something correctly or made a mistake or whatever, I don't know...

However, even though this may be somewhat understandable...that doesn't excuse the action...it's not okay to disrespect the very ones among your own network just because you're sensitive and they are there.  

In order to maximize any community/network's potential to produce positive results there must be a sense of acceptance, safety and upmost...loyalty.

True loyalty to one another allows the other to fail sometimes, it's okay...we all do it...

Without true loyalty we allow negativity among ourselves, members of the same team, to lead us..which is obviously just so tragically destructive and ridiculously counter productive of the very reason why we all are on the same team to begin with.

We don't all have to agree, that's okay...it's good...it's interesting, enlightening, etc.

But, for us all to truly be a team, one unified team, there cannot be any place whatsoever for self-seeking manipulation of the team's very essence, it's core.  

Those whose motives are based upon dividing the one team into many separate mini-ones via some juvenile approach of senseless drama must be clearly recognized and subtly called out.

The entire purpose of a team is that we are better together.  All together, we're stronger, we can do greater things, make a much larger impact, create significant change.  While separately scattered about we become lost, our visions reduced to easily glanced over clutter.



Myra Spearman has sent you a message.

Date: 3/31/2009


Hello Everyone: 

Today, I spoke with Illinois State Representative, Robert Pritchard. He is a long time proponent of abating domestic and family abuse. He needs to hear from everyone. I asked him to author legislation called, "Duncan and Jack Law" which would only allow "Supervised Visits" to non-custodial parents who have either 
1). Violated Orders of Protection and/or 
2). Received a Guilty Conviction stemming from domestic and or family violence. 

Before ordering visitation, a judge needs to make sure that there was no abuse in the home. If abuse is determined, the non-custodial parent should either be granted Supervised Visitation or No Visitation Previlidges at all. Please email him and let him know that you're in support of this legislation or similiar legislation. 


If you have something better to add please feel free... anything helps... 

Duncan and Jack are the 2 little children that lost their lives this week at the hand of their father. You can read the story at: 

http://www.chicagotribune.com/ news/local/chi-missing-boys-dead-31-mar31, 0,3316104.story

Abusers are Control Freaks

Domestic abuse is about control and power, usually a man getting and keeping control and power over a woman. To simplify it, someone who commits domestic abuse is a control freak, and for the sake of argument, we are going to use the pronoun "he." An abuser can't feel good about himself unless he feels he is in total control of a woman and the relationship.

The abuser will use physical violence, threats of physical violence, isolation, yelling, screaming, and emotional, sexual or financial abuse to attempt to control his wife and in return control the relationship. He will leave both physical and emotional scars as he tried to remain in control and stave off the feeling of his wife being out of his control. And as the economy gets worse, and recession sets in, and jobs are lost, and income falls… the more an abuser takes out his feelings of helplessness on his wife.

Victims of Domestic Abuse 

Domestic abuse happens to women of all ages, races and religions. Her economic or professional status is not an indicator of whether or not she will one day be a victim of domestic abuse. Domestic abuse occurs in the poorest neighbor and the priciest mansions.

Nearly 95 percent of domestic abuse victims are women. Over 50 percent of all women will experience domestic abuse in a love relationship and, for 24 to 30 percent of these women, the abuse happens regularly and over a long period.

According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Abuse, every 15 seconds a man or a woman becomes a victim of abuse. An abuser may seem gentle, loving, and kind to begin with. A woman might start a relationship thinking she had met her soul-mate, only to discover her mate had no soul at all.

Read more about domestic violence on First Wives World.

30 March, 2009

Angela Shelton, Uncovering Cherished Laughter Amidst the Journey

Finding Angela Shelton Journey
Day 14

Joyful Projection

You've been thinking about yourself for 2 weeks!!  Good job!
In order to break old patterns and move into Joy - you have to face some pretty dark things somethings.  Much like removing a sword from your body - you have to see it first to be able to remove it!  Many times we want to ignore the sad or traumatic things in order to avoid feeling them when the trick in moving past them is moving right into the feeling and feeling it!  You feel it to release it and purge it!
The various tasks over the past 2 weeks are reminders for when you are in the dark places or faced with the possibility of a dark place. You can access your Joyful side by practicing little techniques like a dancing contest or a quick "bitch session" to really listen to yourself.  Today feel the Joy.  Feel what it feels like to be past all of these days and into a Joyful feeling. 

» Watch this Video
You can also watch this on 
The Survivor Manual 

» Spread Joy
Laugh today out loud in public
Just do it.  Laugh out loud.  If you can't do it, go rent a comedy or stroll through a bookstore and find some funny books.  Find something that makes you laugh and laugh out loud!!
Laughter is the best Joy medicine.
When you laugh, you immediately raise the vibration in your body.  When you raise the vibration in your body - you send out waves of good energy to others too so laugh out loud.  And when you do laugh, smile at someone too.  Try it in your car as you're driving.  See what happens.  Shoot someone a Joyful love tap by simply laughing out loud. 
We all have a story and we have all been through pain - and we could all use a Joyful reminder sometimes.  Be that reminder for someone today.  You will be doing great service work.   And this exercise is building pathways in your mind for when you are faced with a dark place. 

Tomorrow you can listen to a bit of Finding Angela Shelton and see the ways that it applies to you.  

  » Task
Feel JOY!
No matter where you are today even if you are standing in line somewhere, raise the vibration in your body by feeling Joy. 
Pretend like you are in love and feel it in your body.  Giggle giggle.
It feels very different than a bitch session. What color is it? 
What does Joy look like to you?  If you are so inspired, draw a picture or create a collage.  Make up a dance!  For those who say they do not have the time, think about how much time you have spent on trauma.  Has a panic attack, anxiety, obsession, complaint, or stressful situation ever ruined your day?  How much time did you spend on it?  If you recall, you probably stopped everything and spent time in stress. 
If you have time to stress, you have time to feel Joy and create something!
 By spending time creating something, it dramatically lowers stress and anxiety.

Angela Shelton
P.O. Box 39702
Los Angeles, CA 90039

P.O. Box 39702, Los Angeles, CA 90039, USA

29 March, 2009

It's All Going to be Just Fine (even fun)

Para mi Peki...mucho ty's for you...xoxo

Good 2 "Knows"

Since 1994 most states have adopted the recommendations set out by the National Council of Juvenile and Family-Court Judges, who advise that custody be given to the non-abusive partner

  • Questions about the marital home and divorce.
  • Questions about divorce and business assets
  • Questions about dividing retirement assets
  • Questions about inheritance and divorce
  • Questions about debts in divorce 
  • Are gifts considered separate or marital property?
  • Is property given as a gift considered joint property?
  • Can my husband get half of the house that my dad gave me?
  • Is property is divided by whose name is on the title?
  • Do I have to tell his lawyer about my personal bank account?
  • Can I make him repay the money he cleaned out my bank account?
  • Can I withdraw money from his account to help support our kids?
  • Are finances automatically frozen when a divorce is filed?
  • What am I entitled to if he sells property before we get a divorce?
  • How is everything split if it's a short marriage?
  • What am I entitled to after a long marriage?
  • Do we have to list all the community property?
  • What happens if we can't reach an agreement?
  • Is he entitled to my vehicle?
  • What can I do if the car is in his name?
  • What if he sells the business vehicle before we divorce?
  • What if he won't sign the car over to me like agreed?
  • Am I entitled to part of his bonus from work?
  • Is he entitled to my severance pay?
  • Do I have to give him half of my stock?
  • How are stock options divided after divorce?
  • How can I find out if my husband is hiding assets?
  • What should I do about property he leaves behind?
  • Am I entitled to part of the tax refund if we aren't divorced yet?

  • Regarding income tax debt, even if the divorce is final, you may not be exempt from future tax liability. For three years after the divorce, the IRS can perform a random audit of a divorced couple's joint tax return. If it has good cause, the IRS can question a joint return for seven years. To avoid any potential problems down the road, your divorce agreement should have provisions that spell out what happens if any additional penalties, interest or taxes are found as well as where the funds come from to pay for any expenses associated with an audit.

    Most divorce decrees call for one of the parties to obtain a life insurance policy to insure the value of alimony payments, child support or some other financial need. If you are the person for whom the insurance is obtained, it is critical that you are either the owner or irrevocable beneficiary of the policy.

    A Certified Divorce Financial Analyst can help you project several years into the future and determine if you'll have enough resources to support your current lifestyle as well as your retirement years.  This analysis should be completed prior to a settlement. If it is determined that you will be unable to maintain your lifestyle with the proposed offer, you have established a good case to request more assets, alimony or child support.

    There are multiple resources and methods used by financial professionals and attorneys to uncover potential hidden assets. Being aware of these may help you avoid being victimized by a dishonest spouse. Forensic accountants are generally the most commonly utilized professionals to assist in this area.

    20 March, 2009

    Anyone Planning on Buying Chris and Rihanna's Abuse Awareness Book?

    This is just so wrong on so many levels, need we even say them out loud?  Chris and Rihanna are already writing a book about domestic violence?  Together?  With Clinical Experts?

    Can Brown turn it around?

    He's back with Rihanna, but legal and image woes remain

    March 6, 2009 

    Even as singer Chris Brown faces two felony charges for his alleged brutal beating of girlfriend and fellow music superstar Rihanna, I've learned his management team is working feverishly on a plan to turn around his fast-sinking career options.

    Brown appeared Thursday in a Los Angeles court, where his arraignment on charges of assault likely to cause great bodily injury and making criminal threats was postponed at his request.

    The charges stem from an incident early Feb. 8. A police affidavit says the couple got into a fight after Rihanna found a text message from another woman on Brown's cell phone.

    Brown pulled his car over and tried to push Rihanna out, but she was still wearing her seat belt, police said. Brown pushed Rihanna's head against the window, punched her with his right hand and then continued driving while hitting her, the affidavit states. He also bit her on the ear, the affidavit says.

    The 19-year-old R&B star remains free on $50,000 bail. If he's convicted, the possible sentence ranges anywhere from probation to four years and eight months in state prison, said a district attorney spokeswoman.

    Before Brown loses any more endorsements or movie deals, a plan is in place to rehabilitate his badly tarnished image. ''The only way Chris can possibly reverse things is to come clean and help raise awareness about abusive relationships,'' said a source close to Brown's legal time.

    Along those lines, I've learned Brown and Rihanna -- who has taken him back (but with key provisions outlined below) -- will co-author a book about abuse and go on a talk show whirlwind to speak directly to their fans and the general public. It is widely expected that Brown's high-profile attorney, Mark Geragos, will broker a probation deal for his client that will involve no jail time.

    In the meantime, the Brown team's working title of his career-recovery plan is ''Project Mea Culpa.'' It will involve not only Brown's telling of his increasingly abusive behavior toward Rihanna, but also partnering with clinical experts in the field to add credibility to the couple's efforts.

    ''Obviously this is a public relations campaign, but it only will work if there's genuine healing, contrition and a path to preventing future problems. ... It's another example of trying to turn a bad situation into something good ... where people can learn to change habits,'' said the source.

    •    Part of the deal involves a contractual agreement between Rihanna and Brown. Word has it, the alleged abuser has agreed to pay Rihanna ''as much as $10 million'' and possibly more ''if he as much as squeezes her arm the wrong way,'' said the Brown insider.

    13 March, 2009

    Crazymaking - Drives You Nuts!


    ==== Abusers often engage in 'crazymaking'

    When you are told to do two opposite things and then chastised because you did one and not the other, that is an example of crazymaking.

    Crazymaking is a guaranteed way to control someone because you can never be right. If a person requires two opposite things from you, point out that this is impossible and that you cannot do this.

    Here is an example from an old joke: A mother gave her son two shirts. At a family gathering the son made a special effort to wear one of these to please his mother. When he arrived, his mother was angry. "Why?" he wanted to know. "Because you did not wear the other shirt, " she replied.

    Crazymaking can happen in a variety of ways. For example, in a discussion a person might say two opposite things. You are lead to believe that he/she changed his/her mind and you accept the last statement as what was meant. But later in the week, when the issue comes up, he/she says, "Well, I already told you such and such" which was the first thing he/she said. In short the discussion with you was set up so that no matter what happened the person can say that he/she did what was agreed. Note: 'crazymaking' really will make you crazy after a while...

    The Loneliness of Crazymaking

    By Dr. Margaret Paul
    December 31, 2006

    In order to manage another's crazymaking behavior, you need to name and manage the painful feelings of loneliness and helplessness that occur when you are at the other end of crazymaking behavior.

    Trust Me, It Isn’t You

    October 25th, 2008

    Please permit me to get straight to the point. If you are married to The Crazy-Making Husband, in his head and heart, your very existence is the problem.

    Yes, you read my words correctly. What you do or don’t do, think or don’t think, feel or don’t feel isn’t what activates his crazy-making. It’s the fact that you exist.

    Though he may deny it, the core reason is that The Crazy-Making Husband doesn’t want to be a husband. In fact, he doesn’t want to be a grownup. As his wife, your existence ‘demands’ he be both. Take a survey of women whose husbands drive them crazy. I guarantee not one will report that her husband accepts responsibilities willfully, or gracefully — especially relational responsibilities.

    11 March, 2009


    Featured Evidence
    What An Ass! 

    There are those moments that will stick with you forever. Your first kiss. Your wedding day. The birth of your first child. And of course, the first time you walked into the bathroom and saw something this insane. You don't know whether to laugh, cry or scream.

    You would think this would be one small step for man. That's right. Just slip the little piece of cardboard right off the holder and into the garbage can. There's no special clip. You don't have to tinker with any tough latches. Nope, it's just a simple flick of the wrist. But nooooooooooo... It would be so much easier to just place a brand new roll right on top of the old empty one. Perhaps keep it there for posterior. Or maybe it has sentimental value... For the love of God, there has to be some reason, he's decided to leave it there.

    09 March, 2009

    Women in Crime Ink: Murder in Disguise

    Women in Crime Ink: Murder in Disguise

    3 Most Common Mistakes: Kids and DIvorce

    What are the three most common mistakes parents make after a divorce?

    Expert: Ben Garber, author of Keeping Kids Out of the Middle

    1. Undermining your partner.

    This happens when Caregiver A says to Billy or Sally, "Don't listen to your other parent. Here's what we'll do." It can sound fun and conspiratorial: "Your mom's away. Now us boys can have fun," or outright damning: "Your other parent's a jerk. Don't listen to him!"

    Kids need every opportunity to build and maintain the healthiest relationship that they are able to with each of their caregivers, regardless of the adults' feelings for one another. Unfortunately, human beings become physically mature enough to have kids long before they become emotionally mature enough to put their own feelings aside in support of the child's needs.

    2. Enlisting your child as a spy, courier or co-conspirator.

    When a parent begins to treat a child like a peer (a process known as adultification), the child feels complimented and eagerly accepts the new role. It feels like a promotion! But adultification cheats kids out of the opportunity to feel safe and cared for. It inevitably exposes them to experiences that they're not ready to cope with emotionally. The result is a huge amount of anger and anxiety, depression and distraction.

    Don't ask your child to quiz their other parent when they're together, or report back to you afterwards. Don't let your own loneliness, neediness or stress make your child into a new best friend, or co-parent to a younger sibling (a process known as parentification). Get your emotional gas tank filled by other adults. Parenting means you refueling your kids, not the other way around.

    You should give "we" messages. "We" communicates that the co-parents are mutually participating in a decision despite their differences, as in, "Last week you asked me if you could go to the dance. Your dad and I discussed it and WE think it's okay." Aside from the obvious content (go to the dance), WE communicates that the parenting team is always together, creating a safety net that communicates security to the child.

    3. Trying to do it all alone.

    Raising a child does, indeed, take a village. To make sure your emotional needs are met (not to mention getting some time away), it's critically important for you to have suitable co-caregivers. That doesn't mean getting married, necessarily; it sure doesn't mean staying married if you're in an unhealthy relationship. It means finding healthy support for you, and assembling a team to raise your child. Your adult partner could be a co-parent; maybe your sibling, your mom or dad, or your neighbor. Their pediatrician, clergy person, and a good child therapist can all be part of the team.

    Interview by Anna Leuchtenberger

    08 March, 2009

    Peace4 the Missing Blog: Heroines of Peace

    Peace4 the Missing Blog: Heroines of Peace

    Domestic Violence Custom Online Search Tool

    Divorce Recovery Links

    Divorce Recovery Links:

    "The Stages of Grief"
    Discusses the 5 Stages of Grief

    "His Plan For Your Life"
    Hope for a new life with the right person.

    "Life's Lessons"
    Why We Have to Go Through Pain

    "Prayers for Serenity and Peace"
    Prayers For When You Feel Lost and Alone

    "The Garden of Serenity and Peace"
    3 Pages of Uplifting Affirmations and Verses

    "Comes the Dawn"
    A Poem of Survival

    "The Weaving"
    The Plan For Our Lives

    "My Love Story"
    There really can be Happiness after Divorce.

    "Can I Save My Marriage?"
    A Look At Realism In Divorce

    "A Reason, A Season or a Lifetime"
    Why marriages sometimes don't last a lifetime

    "B. E. (The Beginning Experience)"
    A weekend retreat that will help you heal from your loss

    "Real Life"
    What happens in real life isn't what we expect

    "Things to Ponder"
    Some "tidbits" to make you think about your life.

    "The End"
    Why and How it ends.

    Let Them Go
    When people want to leave, let them go.

    06 March, 2009

    Toolkit To End Violence Against Women

    Toolkit To End Violence Against Women, from the National Advisory Council on Violence Against Women and the Violence Against Women Office
    Chapter Navagation

    Letter from U.S. Attorney General and Secretary of U.S. Department of Health and Human Services (PDF)

    To provide concrete guidance to communities, policy leaders, and individuals engaged in activities to end violence against women, the National Advisory Council on Violence Against Women developed the Toolkit To End Violence Against Women. The recommendations contained in the Toolkit were reviewed by numerous experts in the fields of sexual assault, domestic violence, and stalking.

    Each Toolkit chapter focuses on a particular audience or environment and includes recommendations for strengthening prevention efforts and improving services and advocacy for victims. We encourage you to consult all chapters of the Toolkit for instruction, guidance, and inspiration.

    Chapter 1. Strengthening Community-Based Services and Advocacy for Victims Community-Based ServicesChapter 9. Intervention and Prevention for Children and Youth
    Chapter 2. Improving the Health and Mental Health Care Systems' Responses to Violence Against WomenChapter 10. Educating and Mobilizing the Public About Violence Against Women
    Chapter 3. Enhancing the Response of the Justice System: Civil RemediesChapter 11. Engaging the Media, Advertising, and Entertainment Industries
    Chapter 4. Enhancing the Response of the Justice System: Criminal RemediesChapter 12. Engaging Religious, Spiritual, and Faith-Based Groups and Organizations
    Chapter 5. Additional Justice System ResponsesChapter 13. Promoting Healthy, Nonviolent Attitudes and Behaviors Through Sports
    Chapter 6. Promoting Women's Economic SecurityChapter 14. Nation to Nation: Promoting the Safety of Native Women
    Chapter 7. Promoting Safety and Nonviolence on College and University CampusesChapter 15. The Role of the U.S. Military in Preventing and Responding to Violence Against Women
    Chapter 8. Promoting Safety and Nonviolence in the WorkplaceChapter 16. The United States Within the International Community—Responding to Trafficking in Persons

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    Related links for coping with a divorce or breakup

    To Learn More: Related Helpguide Articles

    Related links for coping with a divorce or breakup

    General information about divorce and relationship breakups

    Separation and Divorce – Advice from a relationship psychotherapist on how to accept a relationship is over, cope with the fall-out, and move on. (BBC)

    Coping with Separation and Divorce – Helpful tips on how to cope with and recover from a separation, divorce, or relationship breakup. (Mental Health America)

    Separation and Divorce – Tips on finding emotional support while going through separation or divorce. (Canadian Mental Health Association) 

    Recovering From a Break-up – Article describes what you can to do recover after a breakup, including how to cope with painful feelings and learn from past mistakes. (UC Riverside Counseling Center)

    Divorce Matters: Coping With Stress and Change (PDF) – Practical guide to restructuring family life and coping with the loss and change that come along with separation and divorce. (Iowa State University)

    Divorce and breakup coping tips

    10 Steps to Recover from a Divorce or Breakup – Describes ten ways to help you recover from a breakup or divorce, get your life back on track, and guarantee a bright relationship future. (ThirdAge)

    The Top 10 Ways to Survive a Breakup without Breaking Down – Offers advice on how to make it through a love breakup and learn from the experience. (CoachVille)

    Relationship Break-Up Living in the Void  – Tips for making it through the pain of divorce and feeling your grief. (Thriveafterdivorce.com)

    How to Survive a Break-Up – Month-by-month advice for coping with a divorce or relationship breakup. (goodtoknow.co.uk)

    Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Gina Kemp, M.A., and Melinda Smith, M.A. contributed to this article. Last modified: December 08.