31 December, 2008
30 December, 2008
29 December, 2008
Victims from all over the world need to get the message out about the network of people who “excuse abuse” and falsely accuse protective parents of hypothetical psychological theories in order to facilitate a change of custody to the abusive parent or grant visitation when it is not in the child’s best interest.
Send your story to: ParentalAlienationFraud@gmail.com
In response to the increased media attention surrounding the release of Alec Baldwin's book entitled, "A Promise to Ourselves," the National Network to End Domestic Violence, the Domestic Violence Legal Empowerment and Appeals Project, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and StopFamilyViolence.org release the following:
The National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV), the Domestic Violence Legal Empowerment and Appeals Project (DV LEAP), Stop Family Violence, and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, four of the nation's leading domestic violence victim advocacy organizations, call on the media and the courts to rectify the misunderstanding and misuse of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) in custody cases.
"Child custody cases are among the toughest cases courts have to handle. And in custody cases where domestic violence is involved, the judges have an even higher responsibility to ensure that the safety of family members is not dangerously impaired by misleading - and legally unjustifiable - 'parental alienation syndrome' theories," said Sue Else, president of the National Network to End Domestic Violence.
"Parental Alienation Syndrome" is a claim that has been used to suggest that some parents try to undermine their children's relationship with the other parent, typically the noncustodial parent, by making false statements about that other parent, most often in the form of abuse allegations. In fact, actor Alec Baldwin made that claim about his own child custody case in a recent interview with Diane Sawyer.
"PAS is being used by some abusers as a tactic to demonize parents' attempts to protect their children from abuse, denying victims of domestic violence justice in the courts. The fact that some parents behave badly in ordinary cases is no reason to ignore real abuse when it is presented to the court," also stated Else.
Joan Meier, DV LEAP's Executive Director, said, "PAS was invented to defeat child abuse claims - and it has been remarkably successful in misleading family courts into believing that women who are sincerely trying to protect their children and themselves from abuse, are just seeking to end the children's relationship with their noncustodial father."
According to NNEDV, DV LEAP, SFV, and NCADV, victims of domestic violence face a surprisingly uphill battle in family court to win custody of and safety for their children. All too often, courts award custody and unsupervised visitation to parents found to have committed domestic abuse. Many courts handling custody cases do not understand the dynamics of domestic violence and fail to properly factor in the impact of abuse when considering the best interests of the child.
"The most important factor judges should be weighing in making custody decisions is the safety of the mother and children, and the introduction of PAS overshadows this critical need for safety," said Rita Smith, Executive Director of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
Meier states that research has shown that children become "alienated" from a parent for a variety of valid reasons, most often resulting from the parent's own negative behavior and relationship with that child.
"The proponents of 'parental alienation syndrome' are purveying invalid junk science is not even legally admissible. PAS has been emphatically rejected by the Presidential Task Force of the American Psychological Association and by the National Council of Juvenile & Family Court Judges. Leading researchers in the field of custody have agreed that PAS has no scientific validity and the only courts to address the issue have found it inadmissible," said Meier.
"With the increased media attention surrounding the release of Alec Baldwin's book, it is important to let the public know that victims of domestic violence are being silenced through the use of 'parental alienation syndrome.' We cannot afford to consign thousands of children to unsafe custody or visitation with abusive parents because family courts have come to believe that abuse allegations mean nothing more than a campaign of alienation," said Else.
28 December, 2008
(While again, strongly noting that abusive situations follow an entirely different set of rules, this although good advice could very well be extremely dangerous for those dealing with an abuser, protection must always be safeguarded and at the first and forefront.)
BOTH parents in your children's lives is vital. What is even more important is that you back off and stop to think of how you are using your children to hurt the other parent. If you are in this category I strongly suggest you seek professional advise as you are damaging your children and hurting yourself. Divorces can be bitter, but what gives you the right to use your children as pawns to get what you want, hurt the other parent and inevitably prolong your children's healing. Contact with the other parent can be very painful and that's one reason why parents need to rely on friends and other support networks to work through difficult feelings. Remember, too, that time can be a great healer.
However difficult it may be, working together as parents while you are separating as a couple is so very important that it takes priority in the steps of your children's health and well-being. When children are involved, your divorce ends the marriage, not the family. Your relationship as parents continues and you as the adults have to ensure your children that you are the responsible adults and will do everything in your power to create a successful future.
The key task for parents as your marriage/relationship ends is to work toward building a cooperative parenting arrangement that:
- NEVER uses your children as pawns
- Always ensure that your children are seeing the other parent regularly
- Protect your children from adult conflict
- Encourage a positive happy relationship with the co-parent
- Model to your children a nurturing behavior
- Always provide your children with a stable and secure environment
- NEVER speak ill of the other parent ever when the children could hear
- Remember actions speak louder than words...your children can feel the anger...this is no way to raise your children
Children are used as messengers to relay issues about money from one parent to the next. Being used as spies to find out what the other parent is doing, seeing and behaving. Bottom line is that your children should never be involved in any issues that are adult related. If you can't speak respectfully to the other parent when your children are around....then don't. Wait until they are safely out of hearing distance or use e-mail...do anything but arguing, speaking rudely and disrespectful. This beats down your children's spirit and soul. They are a part of each parent. When you run down your children's other parent you are running a part of them down...and believe it that is exactly how they feel. This leads to your children having to lead two lives and eliminates truthful communication with you. They don't want to hurt you by saying they had fun at daddy's for fear something cruel about the other parent will come out of your mouth. They will feel guilty about loving the other parent for fear you will feel hurt...get over it. Your children have a right to love and have fun with the other parent. Would you rather they didn't? Who would this satisfy? Most children are resilient and highly adaptive. With care and nurturing, your children will adapt to separation and the new family arrangements. However, if your children witness a lot of ongoing parental conflict such as their parents shouting or threatening each other, their emotional development can be damaged. This is plain cruel.
Your children will do best after separation and divorce when both parents remain involved in their lives. Both the mother and father are important to your children for emotional support, protection, guidance, gender identity and their basic trust and confidence in themselves and in the world. Parents play a valuable role in child rearing that must not be taken away from them. The only thing your children should be concentrating on after the separation/divorce is to develop a separate relationship with each parent, and to spend time with each of them.
It's common for a mother or father to have strong negative feelings about the other parent that she or he feels it is in the best interests of their children to prevent the other person from seeing them. Although you may feel this is being protective, it will harm your children's emotional growth and development. Sometimes continuing the parent-child relationship is not advisable for example, when there is child abuse, spousal abuse or severe psychiatric illness. Seek professional help to make arrangements that are in the best interests of your children.
Do your best (whether or not the other parent is...it's better that your child has one parent that is working to make their lives better than none) to achieve some kind of workable relationship for your children. Try to:
1. Have respect for the other parents differences
2. Let the focus be the children, not on what the other parent has or is doing
3. Always settle disagreements through compromise
4. Avoid making assumptions about the other parent's intentions or actions
5. keep your agreements and promises (such as making child support payments on time, picking up and returning children on time).
Remember that the most important thing is that you are cooperating for your children's sake. Continue to keep conflict away from your children's ears and eyes. Eventually, your relationship with the other parent may become easier and you may develop a new understanding of each other.
One of the key ways to develop and maintain a good co-parenting relationship is to make a written parenting plan that is agreed upon by both parents. A plan has a number of advantages and can help ensure that the children are well cared for by both parents. A written agreement that outlines specific arrangements and understanding of responsibilities helps reduce assumptions and misunderstandings. Also, a lot of planning and organization goes into moving children from one household to another. For example, your child may want to take his fish with him, or needs a clean uniform for a game the next day. Managing these kinds of details requires planning. If you're organized, it can reduce the chances of arguing with the other parent over little things. Whatever the situation you find yourself in; there are always several options for resolving disputes. There are counselors, family mediators, and family lawyers who can help you choose the best course of action based on your particular situation. Some of the points have been repeated...they are worth repeating.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Laval_Denny
I have been victimized.
I was in a fight that was
not a fair fight.
I did not ask for the fight.
There is no shame in losing
I have reached the stage of
survivor and am no longer a
slave of victim status.
I look back with sadness
rather than hate.
I look forward with hope
rather than despair.
I may never forget, but I need
not constantly remember.
I was a victim.
I am a survivor.
27 December, 2008
Monday4 the Missing features Mystic Dawn Salazar, a "Sperm Donor" Abduction, PLEASE help bring Mystic Home!
Take a look at Mystic (pronounced Mystique) Dawn Salazar. She may very well be in your neighborhood but all is not well with this poor little girl. The National Center for Missing and Exploited Children list her as missing by way of "family abduction." Her biological father, Enrique Arreolo-Lopez and his wife Melissa snatched her from a stable family environment to a life on the run. It all went down in Mesa County, Colorado on August 17. That's the last day Jennifer Davis, the woman Mystic knows as "mom" saw the 6-year-old.
Complicated and convoluted doesn't begin to explain the young girl's life. She was born May 23, 2002. Her mother Twalla is the ex-wife of Jennifer's husband Amie. According to Jennifer, Twalla made an arrangement with Enrique after getting out of prison to get pregnant with the hopes of getting Amie back into her life--a "no strings attached" bio dad. Twalla did get pregnant but her attempt at getting Amie back didn't work. At the same time, Jennifer was also pregnant. She arranged her pre-natal visits around Twalla's so she could drive her to and from the doctors.
When Mystic was born, Twalla brought her directly to Jennifer. While Twalla didn't give up custody, she would frequently bring the baby over to be cared for by Jennifer and Amie, who assumed the dad role in her life. Two years later, Twalla's parole ended and, according to Jennifer, started to disappear for stretches of time. "She'd drop her off in the morning and say she'd be back after work to pick Mystic up and then we wouldn't see her for days or weeks. In April 2007, I got a call from Twalla saying she had been arrested and was in jail. Mystic had been living with us full time the past 4 months." At the time, Mystic was 4 and Twalla had already signed over power of attorney's to us giving us guardianship for 6 month periods of time. And then she'd disappear. But we never thought twice because to us, Mystic is family, she's our daughter."
Twalla remained in jail for 6 months. "When she was released, we filed a petition for custody with the courts. Twalla had been arrested for aggrevated assault and we couldn't have Mystic living in that environment. At that point, we didn't know the bio dad's name. We knew nothing about him. Twalla said that her arrangement with him was to get her pregnant and that he'd never be a part of Mystic's life. She also said he had been deported to Mexico. When we filed the petition, we found out he hadn't been deported and was still working at the restaurant where he met Twalla. This man, of course, is Enrique Arreolo-Lopez and he was married and had a son. In fact, Twalla filed a child support petition against him and was collecting thousands while Mystic was in the care of Jennifer and Amie. Eventhough he was paying, Enrique never tried to see Mystic."
In February 2008, Jennifer and Amie went before a judge for the first time to get custody. "The judge granted Twalla visitation which included 2 hours for lunch and 2 hours for dinner 'at her discretion'. Enrique was to have no contact with Mystic until he had parenting introduction therapy. After that, if he chose to see Mystic, it had to be during a supervised therapeutic session. A legal representative was appointed to the child by the judge."
In April, Mystic met Enrique for the first time--an hour and a half session with a therapist. "For some reason, the therapist found it necessary to include Twalla in the session, but I was not allowed to be in the building," Jennifer said. There were three other sessions and then the counselor agreed to allow unsupervised visits.
"On the very first unsupervised visit with Enrique, they brought Mystic home wrapped in a fleece coat wearing a t-shirt and nothing else. They said she peed her pants during the visit. As they (Enrique and his wife, Melissa) were taking her out of the car in front of our house, with neighbors standing around, Melissa yelled, 'Maybe next time we can have a change of clean clothes in case she pees herself again.' Mystic looked mortified."
Enrique would take Mystic for about 9 hours on Sundays. "When she'd come home, she'd be withdrawn and would get aggressive with the other kids," Jennifer said.
All 5 Salazar children last Christmas (Mystic is girl on the right)
In all likelihood, Mystic Salazar is relatively safe. This is not a high profile missing children's case like Caylee Anthony in Florida. But relatively safe and safe are two different things. Mystic was abducted by her biological father--a man who had nothing to do with her for most of her life. And Jennifer Davis, the woman Mystic knows as mom is trying desperately to find her. While a judge says Mystic should be with Jennifer and her husband Amie in Mesa County, Colorado, law enforcement disagrees. Why? Because the bio dad, Enrique Arreolo-Lopez fled before he was served with the legal papers. And no one knows where he is.
The courts did grant Enrique and his wife Melissa visitation rights and those visits affected 6-year-old Mystic. "She would have nightmares after visits," Jennifer said. "She'd come into our room and crawl into bed with us. And that was not typical of Mystic. Sometimes she'd come home after a visit and was starving." At just 3'3 and 35 pounds, Jennifer said Mystic typically "eats like a bird." "On two different occasions, she came back from 9 hour visits saying she didn't eat at all. She said it was because her other daddy said there wasn't enough money for food today." Following those visits, Mystic would come home and eat as much as she usually ate in a day in one sitting. She was that hungry.
"We would tell the counselor this and telling him something wasn't right. Instead the counselor pushed for more visits. Another counselor pushed for Mystic to spend Labor Day Weekend with Enrique. Enrique had been providing the counselor with pictures of a smiling Mystic. We saw the pictures and pointed out they were from Chucky Cheese. What child isn't going to have a good time there? Another picture was at her birthday party where she was given a lot of gifts. We pointed out to the counselor that they were the Disneyland parents. They get to come in and do all the fun stuff for one day. But they don't deal with the day to day life."
It would get worse.
"Shortly before they took her, she came home from a visit with a red mark across her throat. This was during a visit they weren't supposed to have. They showed up unannounced at Mystic's baseball game and freaked her out. She started screaming and crying. She told Amie she didn't want to go, holding onto him. Enrique and Melissa were trying to force her to go. So we compromised. We asked Mystic if it would be ok if they all had lunch together. After lunch I walked Mystic over to Enrique's car and told her it would be ok and to go have fun with daddy. Later that afternoon, when they returned her to us, she had what looked like a ligature mark across her throat. I asked her what happened and she said, 'mommy, I don't know.' She said she forgot. You could tell she was real shy about it. I called Enrique when Mystic was out of earshot and Melissa answered the phone. She wouldn't let me talk to him. I asked her what happened and she said Mystic didn't have that mark when she was dropped off. We took pictures and gave them to the counselor and the attorneys involved with her case. Nothing happened."
In early August, the attorney assigned to Mystic came to Jennifer and Amie's for a home visit. While he was there, Twalla showed up to pick up Mystic for lunch. The attorney told her that she could only take Mystic for lunch but not dinner because it was too much for her.
"When Twalla brought Mystic back after lunch she said she would be back for dinner," Jennifer said. "When I reminded her what the attorney said, she cussed me out and said I screwed up and would never see Mystic again. The next day, Enrique had his visit with Mystic. Things were kind of weird because they showed up in a new vehicle--a minivan. When they dropped her off at our meeting place near a grocery store, they pulled around to a gas station and left their van near the pumps where we couldn't see it. They walked Mystic across the parking lot to me. The very next weekend, August 17, Mystic freaked out while I tried to get her ready to go for her weekly visit. She was screaming and crying and refused to get into the shower. She cried the whole way from our house to the store where we were meeting Enrique. The visit was supposed to be from 9:30 to 5:30. I showed up at 9:20 and we sat there waiting. I sat in the back of our van with Mystic holding her because she was crying. I was trying to reassure her that she would go and have fun. At 9:45, I decided to pull away figuring Enrique wasn't going to show. Then I had second thoughts because I thought that if I prevented the visit, we'd lose Mystic. So I stopped and waited for about another 10-15 minutes. Then Enrique came walking up with his son Manuel. There was no vehicle in sight. He said Melissa was at the counselor's signing papers. I had to literally pry Mystic's arms off of me because she was screaming that she didn't want to go. Enrique walked away with her and Mystic turned back to me a yelled, 'mommy, I love you can I have a hug?' Enrique let her give me a hug and I told her I loved her and that when she came home, we'd get ready for her first day of school the next day. They walked away and that was the last time I've seen her."
That night, Jennifer returned to the meeting place to pick up Mystic. She waited from 5:25 until 7:55. "I waited. I didn't leave that spot. I called Enrique's phone and it went straight to voicemail. I called the attorney and the counselor emergency number. I finally got a call back from the counselor's business partner and she said the counselor had been out of town for the past couple of days. What we found out later was that Melissa had dropped off her two children with their dad because he had custody. He said when she dropped them off, the van they were driving was loaded down with their stuff. They told him they were moving to Texas and they'd be back every 6 weeks to see the kids. She said she was going to nursing school. We also found out that although she had been telling people she was a nurse and worked in a doctors' office, she was, in fact, a receptionist, not a nurse. We also found out she had been arrested 10 years ago for shoplifting and using her children to do it which is why she lost custody."
The Mesa County Sheriff's Office doesn't think a crime was committed. "They said, because Enrique is her biological father, he has every right to have her. When we showed them the minute orders from court, the deputy asked me 'how do I know you didn't type that up on your own computer?' I couldn't believe it. There was a possible sighting of Mystic in town back in September. When I called the sheriff's office, they said there was no crime and they couldn't do anything. Mystic's court appointed attorney won't return our calls."
Two days after Enrique vanished with Mystic, the court issued an order that authorizes law enforcement to turn Mystic over to Jennifer and Amie if she's found and granting legal custody to them. "Law enforcement here in town say it's not valid," Jennifer said. "Because Enrique hasn't been served with it."
Enrique, as you recall, fled town and no one knows where he is. So, a technicality, and lack of common sense is keeping Mystic on the run. Jennifer, Amie and her family aren't sitting back. They are doing all they can trying to overcome the law enforcement obstacles and trying to find their little girl. Without the help of police makes it that much more difficult.
You can help if you spot her. Call any of these numbers immediately and help get Mystic home where she belongs.
L.E.A. - Mesa County Sheriff Dept.
Telephone Number - (970) 244-3500
ID Info - Mystic is a bi-racial, white/Hispanic female, 3' 3" tall, weighs 35 pounds, has straight light brown hair and green eyes. She has a silver bottom tooth, and her ears are pierced.
Circumstances - Mystic may be in the company of her non-custodial father, an adult female, and a male child. They may be traveling in a gold 2000 Chrysler Voyager with Colorado license plates 355SGZ.
|If you see this missing child or know where he or she is located, please contact the Child Protection Education of America, Inc. at (866)USA-CHILD or the law enforcement agency above.|
Please join us on Peace4 the Missing
Beautifully written by Holliston of ZeroGossip.Com
23 December, 2008
Why do PAS advocates so fervently fight Domestic Violence Laws and why do they seem (not to mention actively do so) to work so hard to get rid of the very laws that protect so many Mothers and Children of Abuse?
Honestly, this makes no sense to me...nor does the "in your face" bitterness and "alienating" behavior and verbage of the "alienated" (ie. accusing) parent seem to make much sense at all either...
We need a break down of PAS in order to reveal what really is going on, what is true and what is just...sadly just another abuser's ploy to cover up his beatings...
Research, however, does not support his theory. In fact, studies have shown that the incidence of false allegations is very small.
In a 1990 study by Thoennes and Tjaden, 9,000 divorces in 12 states were studied. It was found that sexual abuse allegations were made in less than 2 percent of the contested divorces involving child custody.
Out of that two percent, only 5%-8% were determined to be false.
She went on to write that in Canada, hospital records involving sexual abuse allegations of children were reviewed. The review indicated that "... children of parents involved in custody disputes had as much physical evidence of sexual abuse as children of non-disputing parents."
Other studies have indicated that false allegation rates range between 2% to 8%.
Dr. Gardner developed, what he called, the “Sex Abuse Legitimacy Scale.” Dr. Gardner claimed that this scale can point out falsely accusing mothers and children.
Jon Conte, editor of the “Journal of Interpersonal Violence,” stated his opinion of the "Sex Abuse Legitimacy Scale": "“Probably the most unscientific piece of garbage I’ve seen in the field in all my life.”
Dr. Gardner self-published this scale, which has never been subjected to scientific scrutiny or empirical studies.
It's interesting to note that in his book, True and False Accusations of Sexual Abuse, Gardner wrote, " ...our present overreaction to pedophilia represents an exaggeration of Judeo-Christian principles and is a significant factor operative in Western society’s a typicality with regard to such activities."
22 December, 2008
The days of "Respect Your Father and Mother" seem to be a faded and distant memory for so many today, at least for those vocally speaking out...frequently, everywhere, with lots and lots of aggression. Because, apparently, Daddy can't be expected to respect this horrible thorn of his past, the one who went to hell and back bearing his child, this "crazy" woman who meanwhile cried tears of joy and thanksgiving throughout the entire experience.
Clearly, she doesn't deserve it...so we hear, because that "nuthead" he tragically was "forced" to endure being married to, is now grotesquely, not to mention, violently abusing him with PAS, which by the way most definitely should be a "Syndrome" regardless of the fact that no accredited affiliation recognizes it as such and regardless of the fact that PAS was conjured up by a Pervert promoting Child Molestation.
Yet in my humble opinion, (which probably doesn't matter, since you see, well I'm a MOM, enough said) at some point we are all victims of "Parental Alienation" ~ just like at some point we are all lied to, cheated, ignored, mocked, unappreciated and nearly always, not loved as much nor how we truly should be...
In which case, I guess we need a heck of a lot more Syndromes for all of those things too.
Sounds like we all should expect much higher taxes in 2009, considering all that the Court and Protective Agencies need to get up to speed on.
Parental Alienation Syndrome, although everything may look like its a crazy thing to be calling a Syndrome, it's not, you are...or so we hear, over and over and over again...
18 December, 2008
16 December, 2008
Joyce and Miranda at the age of 4
Alcohol tore into the family and overtook Joyce. Her alcoholism shattered the family and she went to live with her brother in Marion, Ohio after the divorce. Despite her demons, Miranda said she was a good mom. Unfortunately, her last memory of her mother isn't a good one.
"She came to visit for her birthday. We went out to eat and she was intoxicated. She made a scene and had a falling out with my older sister. I told her that she really needed to quit drinking and get it together." Remember, Miranda was just 13 at the time.
Joyce left on good terms and returned to her brother's home telling Miranda she would call her when she arrived. She never called. Her brother told Miranda that Joyce did come home, packed her things and moved out without saying where she was going. "Due to her alcoholism, she burnt out the family so when she said she was leaving on the spur of the moment, no one thought much of it," Miranda said. "But while everyone in the family wasn't surprised with her behavior, my mom and I were very close and there was no reason for her to up and take off."
It was several years before anyone heard from Joyce. "About 6 years ago, I told my aunt, my mother's sister that I was trying to find her. She told me that my mother called her in 1997 whispering on the phone saying she had gone to Arizona with the hopes of getting sober. Some people had offered her help but that now she was being held against her will by a cult." Her aunt couldn't tell if she was under the influence or if she was in an unstable state of mind. Miranda's father told her Joyce had been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder so that, coupled with her drinking past made the family question anything she said.
"In 1999 someone told me that if I wrote a letter through the Social Security Administration, they would forward it to her if they had any records of her," Miranda said. It worked. "She called me in April that year. She told me that it was true she had been held by a cult and she was now sober. She said she was helping an older man in assisted living. She sounded really upbeat. We corresponded for about 2 weeks. In May, I called her on Mothers Day at the man's house and he said she asked him to drop her off at a shelter and he hadn't heard from her since."
There was no more communication for 5 years. Miranda tried the Social Security route again and sent another letter. Joyce made a collect call but Miranda wasn't home. She left a message saying she would call back. She didn't. Miranda had the phone company trace the call and it came from a pay phone at the Westward Ho building in Phoenix. The building houses senior citizens. That message was the last time Miranda heard from her mother. The same can't be said about the Phoenix Police. Joyce was arrested in 2007 on a petty theft charge but never appeared for court. Her address at the time was listed as transient. She hasn't been heard from by anyone since.
"The Phoenix Police wouldn't do anything to help me locate her. They told me that she's an adult and if I had heard from her periodically, they wouldn't consider her missing. I was at a loss." In November, the police officially listed Joyce as a missing person.
Joyce's daughter Miranda
Miranda took to the internet posting on Phoenix forums, missing person sites, just about any place she could think of.
To Anyone Who Reads This:While all of this paints a tragic story. There is still time to fix it. That's the message Miranda hopes her mother somehow gets. Joyce, if you are reading this, your daughter has been looking for you for 12 years. No matter how bad you think things were, she wants nothing more than to help you. At the very least she wants to know you're ok. She has three kids who ask her where her mommy is. As much as she would love to jump on a plane and come to Arizona to look for you, she can't. Remember the times you spent with Miranda doing crafts, teaching her to bake? Remember walking to the dollar store to buy her a coloring book? Miranda does. It may seem impossible to repair the damage done or to get back the lost years. Nothing is impossible. You have family who not only want to help you, they need to help you. You just have to take that leap of faith. Miranda has a lot of pictures of you and her when she was young. The last photo she has of you is a mug shot. It's time to come home.
My name is Miranda Rhuda. I am 25 years old and I am from Ohio.
In 1996, my mother Joyce Darlene Patterson, age 53, went missing from Ohio.
Since that time, I have continually searched for her with no assistance and no outcome. Recently, I found public records with her name and date of birth listed online. She is in Phoenix (somewhere). The last address given to the police in September 2007, was 813 W. Madison Street. This address is an industrial building which is boarded up. I know this because a man named Jeff Knapp, who is doing homeless ministries, has assisted me in checking it out.
I believe that she may be homeless. She may be a drifter. In the past, she has been an alcoholic and has had very serious mental issues. I really need to find her for family reasons and mostly so that I can get her off the streets and get her treatment. There is no reason for her to be homeless and/or stealing to provide for herself. She is 5 ft. tall, 117 lbs, brown hair, brown eyes. Her Date of Birth is 07/18/1956.
I am enclosing pictures of her. I would appreciate any help that you may be able to give me. If you could please post this somewhere or forward it on to someone who may be able to help me, I would greatly appreciate it.
If you or anyone else, has any information, please send me an email firstname.lastname@example.org or call me at 567-219-0095. I can also be reached by mail at the following: Miranda N. Rhuda, 415 Dewey Street, Sandusky, Ohio, 44870.
Thank you and God Bless,
Don't be the "greedy kid" with your kids anytime and especially at Christmas. Let's all try harder to take the beautiful Christmas sentiment of caring and sharing to a higher level and really live it out loud during all of the other remaining days of the year as well.
Monday, Dec. 15, 2008
Nearly 17 years ago this month, I was in the wedding of a relative. The bride and groom had bright smiles of happiness. The couple, then in their early 20s, danced to Luther Vandross' love song "Here and Now," the lyrics of which state "You're all I need."
Of all the weddings I have attended, and there have been plenty, I felt this marriage would last. This loving couple and their children shared a good-natured sense of humor which made their home, as Dr. Phil would say, "a soft place to land." This was especially true when our families spent Christmas together.
Unfortunately, the laughter and Christmas visits are over. The couple is now on the path toward divorce. To make matters worse, both sides are resorting to "parental alienation" --- Parental alienation is a fancy term for bad-mouthing the other spouse.
My relatives are practically a case study on how NOT to handle a divorce.
"A lot of parents rationalize what they do by saying they're protecting their child from the other parent," Darnall explained during an interview.
In fact, the holidays often escalate the tension between spouses, he says.
"Holidays are a sensitive issue because most parents want a fair share of the time with the child," he says. "We place a high value at Christmas with being together. If one parent is blocking access to the child, then the other parent feels lonely and bitter."
Darnall provides warning signs of child manipulation:
Telling the child details about the marital relationship or reasons for the divorce.
One parent blaming the other parent for financial problems, breaking up the family or changes in lifestyle.
Asking the child to choose one parent over the other.
Reacting with hurt or sadness to a child having a good time with the other parent.
Listening in on the child's phone conversations with the other parent.
Refusing to be flexible with the visitation schedule in order to respond to the child's needs, or scheduling the child in so many activities that the other parent is never given the time to visit.
Encouraging any natural anger the child has toward the other parent.
Is a "friendly" divorce ever possible?
"There are people with children who can work very well together," he says. "They recognize the value for the children to have a loving relationship with the other parent. It's my belief that the majority of parents have a reasonably healthy relationship with their ex-spouses."
Parents, says Darnall, who continue denigrating their former spouses are risking their children's well-being. Children are affected academically and socially.
"It depends on the child's personality or character," he says. "Some are extremely sensitive, and others can brush things off. We do see gender differences. Males tend to act out and females become passive-aggressive.
The good news, Darnall says, is a parent will often stop the behavior once they see it in themselves.
"A lot of these problems are avoidable," Darnall says.
15 December, 2008
Oh Alex, you are so not helping efforts to validate Parental Alienation as a Syndrome...
Alex Baldwin's tirade against his minor child needs to be seen for what it is-child abuse. Not only is it child abuse but is also so typical of the mindset and the philosophy that Americans so easily resort to when it comes to taking responsibility for their actions. "It's not my fault."
Here is what Baldwin said after calling his little girl a "thoughtless little pig" and threatening to come from New York to Los Angeles to "straighten her out"-a threat to the kid's safety if ever there was one.
"Although I have been told by numerous people not to worry too much, as all parents lose their patience with their kids, I am most saddened that this was released to the media because of what it does to a child," he wrote. "I'm sorry, as everyone who knows me is aware, for losing my temper with my child. I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. You have to go through this to understand. (Although I hope you never do.) I am sorry for what happened. But I am equally sorry that a court order was violated, which had deliberately been put under seal in this case."
1. "Although I have been told by numerous people not to worry too much, as all parents lose their patience with their kids, I am most saddened that this was released to the media because of what it does to a child." - The man is not worried that what he said to his daughter would affect her adversely, only that what he said to her was released to the media. He is not concerned about how his abusiveness might affect the girl but how the release of the recording might affect her. Is this man in his right mind or is this indicative of just how much his character is flawed?
2. "I'm sorry, as everyone who knows me is aware, for losing my temper with my child. I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. "- The man is shifting blame and not taking personal responsibility for his words or actions. He is sorry for losing his temper but blames "parental alienation" as that which drove him to lose his temper. No, Mr. Baldwin, "parental alienation" is your perception of a stimulus provided to you through the circumstances in which you've found yourself. Parental alienation, whatever that is supposed to mean, is not some animated, sentient entity capable of doing anything. It hasn't arms nor legs, a brain to think with, or anything else that would enable "it" to "drive" you to do anything. Your loss of temper is a behavior you chose to deal with a situation. (Since he is referring to someone committing the sin of "parental alienation," he must certainly be blaming the child as the alienator-it's the child's fault for alienating him-"parental alienation" made him do it.)
3. "You have to go through this to understand."- If ever there was an indication of the lack of critical thinking skills in the minds of Americans, this is it. This is something to which many resort in trying to justify their irrational and ill-chosen behaviors. Think a moment to what this man is actually saying: If you went through what I've been going through, then you would not condemn me. And, if you've never walked in my shoes, then you do not have the right to criticize me for calling my daughter a little pig." This man is claiming that the only way we could "understand" why he did what he did is if we had undergone this spookily-termed, "parental alienation." This man is not apologizing but trying to justify his bad behavior. And, he claims, you would understand why he abused his child if you had undergone his trials and tribulations. I don't have to have murdered someone to understand why someone resorted to bad behavior by killing his neighbor. I don't have to have sexually abused a child to know that it is ill-chosen behavior. I don't have to have stolen something that didn't belong to me to understand that stealing is wrong. How, I would love to ask Mr. Baldwin, would our understanding help us to "get it?" How would our undergoing "parental alienation" help us to understand that what Mr. Baldwin did to his daughter is somehow justified? After all, Mr. Baldwin seems to be saying if we had ever undergone "parental alienation," we would understand-cut him some slack.
4. "I am sorry for what happened. But I am equally sorry that a court order was violated..."- See how the man is trying to shift blame? What the man is sorry for, I cannot fathom, but I most certainly see that he is blaming the one who violated a court order. Baldwin cannot, at least as yet, just say that no matter what the circumstances were, no matter what the situation dealt, no matter what information he was provided to which he had to respond, that he was wrong-period-for lashing out at that child.
The past decades, if not a century, of psychoanalytical psychobabble has taught Americans that they are victims. If they act out with bad behavior, it couldn't possibly be the fault of the one who chose the bad behavior. It was "the circumstance's fault." If they get caught in some behavioral sin, then it wasn't their fault but the fault of someone or something that provided them with something to which they had to respond and did so badly.
Every circumstance, situation, problem, child acting out, a spouse acting out, a boss firing you, is just information provided to you. You get to choose how you are going to react to what is before you. All we ever do is behave. From the time we are born to the time we die, all we do is choose behaviors in response to a stimulus. What marks us as mature, sane, and rational is how we've learned to think critically through a bad hand dealt us and choosing the correct, socially appropriate and morally correct behavior.
Was one of Alex Baldwin's choices when his daughter didn't pick up the phone when he called to lash out in an abusive tirade at her? Yes.
However, thinking, and I mean using critical thinking skills, is what would have directed him to consider better alternatives. He could have ranted at the girl or he could have made a better choice. A little bit of maturity would have gone a long way in preventing his childish behavior.
Oh, Mr. Baldwin, we understand perfectly and are wondering,
"Just who is the child here?"
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Douglas_Bower
14 December, 2008
13 December, 2008
Guidelines for Detachment
Separating from “The Loser” often involves three stages: The Detachment, Ending the Relationship, and the Follow-up Protection.
Observe the way you are treated. Watch for the methods listed above and see how “The Loser” works.
Gradually become more boring, talk less, share fewer feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore “The Loser” into lessening the emotional attachment, while at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.
Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be — a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.
If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.
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If “The Loser” is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment — a small price to pay to get rid of “The Loser”.
Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself — responding with comments such as “I’ve been so confused lately” or “I’m under so much stress I don’t know why I do anything anymore”.
Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember — “The Loser” never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. “The Loser” will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to “play confused” and dull, allowing “The Loser” to tell others “My girlfriend (or boyfriend) is about half nuts!” They may tell others you’re crazy or confused but you’ll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you’re in the process of detaching.
Don’t start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to “lay low” for several months. Remember, “The Loser” will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.
As “The Loser” starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotional numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.
Remembering that “The Loser” doesn’t accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions — ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.
Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can’t feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they’ve probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of “I’m not right for anyone at this point in my life.” If “The Loser” can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.
If “The Loser” panics, you’ll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner — a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you’ve lost control again.
Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don’t agree to the many negotiations that will be offered — dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as “The Loser” has contact with you they will feel there is a chance to manipulate you.
“The Loser” will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you’ll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you’ll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.
Don’t try to make them understand how you feel — it won’t happen. “The Loser” is only concerned with how they feel — your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.
Don’t fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how “The Loser” is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.
Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if “The Loser” finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.
Don’t use terms like “someday”, “maybe”, or “in the future”. When “The Loser” hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.
Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens — we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle — thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation — we’ve given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position — always say the same thing. “The Loser” will stop playing a machine that doesn’t pay off and quickly move to another.
“The Loser” never sees their responsibility or involvement in the difficulties in the relationship. From a psychological standpoint, “The Loser” has lived and behaved in this manner most of their life, clearly all of their adult life. As they really don’t see themselves as at fault or as an individual with a problem, “The Loser” tends to think that the girlfriend or boyfriend is simply going through a phase — their partner (victim) might be temporarily mixed up or confused, they might be listening to the wrong people, or they might be angry about something and will get over it soon. “The Loser” rarely detaches completely and will often try to continue contact with the partner even after the relationship is terminated. During the Follow-up Protection period, some guidelines are:
Never change your original position. It’s over permanently! Don’t talk about possible changes in your position in the future. You might think that will calm “The Loser” but it only tells them that the possibilities still exist and only a little more pressure is needed to return to the relationship.
Don’t agree to meetings or reunions to discuss old times. For “The Loser”, discussing old times is actually a way to upset you, put you off guard, and use the guilt to hook you again.
Don’t offer details about your new life or relationships. Assure him that both his life and your life are now private and that you hope they are happy.
If you start feeling guilty during a phone call, get off the phone fast. More people return to bad marriages and relationships due to guilt than anything else. If you listen to those phone calls from a little distance, as though you were taping them, you’ll find “The Loser” spends most of the call trying to make you feel guilty.
In any contact with the ex “Loser”, provide only a status report, much like you’d provide to your Aunt Gladys. For example: “I’m still working hard and not getting any better at tennis. That’s about it.”
When “The Loser” tells you how difficult the breakup has been, share with him some general thoughts about breaking-up and how finding the right person is difficult. While “The Loser” wants to focus on your relationship, talk in terms of Ann Landers — “Well, breaking up is hard on anyone. Dating is tough in these times. I’m sure we’ll eventually find someone that’s right for both of us.” Remember — nothing personal!
Keep all contact short and sweet — the shorter the better. As far as “The Loser” is concerned, you’re always on your way somewhere, there’s something in the microwave, or your mother is walking up the steps to your home. Wish “The Loser” well but always with the same tone of voice that you might offer to someone you have just talked to at the grocery
store. For phone conversations, electronics companies make a handy gadget that produces about twenty sounds — a doorbell, an oven or microwave alarm, a knock on the door, etc. That little device is handy to use on the phone — the microwave dinner just came out or someone is at the door. Do whatever you have to do to keep the conversation short — and not personal.